words left unspoken

gone.

“You broke my heart and you didn’t even mean to.”

“I stood outside with a cigarette in my mouth, remembering that I told my mother I would never start such a disgusting habit. And now she begs me to put the habit down, but how could I when that’s the taste you left on my lips before you left?”

“I wish I could turn back time and walk down a different hallway - so maybe I didn’t have to meet you, I wish I could erase every memory you left me, I wish I could forget what it was like to feel your arms around me, I wish I could forget the feeling of your lips against mine, I wish I didn’t know what your voice sounded like - so that way I don’t have to hear it every time I fall asleep at night, I wish you were some stranger I saw in the hallways during passing periods because you were always impossible to miss, I wish I didn’t have to go to back the high school I had graduated from that Sunday dressed in all black, I wish I didn’t have to walk up those stairs; legs shaking, my breathing shallow, I wish I didn’t have to see you laying there, flowers surrounding you as I clung to your cold and hard hands, I wish I didn’t have to walk away, knowing that you wouldn’t walk by my side, I wish I never met you, cause then maybe it wouldn’t be this hard.”

“You wanna know what hurts the most? When you already have no one, but the one person you do have is dead at 16. When he’s the person you tell everything to, and I mean everything. You tell him how your day went, you find yourself in your car talking to him, and you start thinking of what he would say to you if he was there, you start praying at night..hoping he shows up in your dreams. But here’s the worst part of it all, he doesn’t show..he stopped showing up in your dreams a year after he passed away. And now it’s been a year and five months since he’s left you, and you wonder if he has left you for good this time. You wake in the middle of the night by your own screams, your pillow drenched from your tears, you’re screaming..screaming for him to come back. Because even though he has left, he is the only thing you have to hold onto.”

“If you were still alive, there would be one less tattoo adorning my body. The date August 13th of 2015 would just be that. There wouldn’t be nights of waking up from tears drenching my pillow, crying for you to come back. Your birthday would only be a date that would remind me of who you’re going to be, not of who you use to be. If you were still alive, I wouldn’t be trying to prepare myself for waking up everyday with out you here.”

“im not even going to try to be poetic about this pain that i’m feeling because there is nothing poetic about it, there is nothing beautiful about it, and there is nothing romantic about an epic love that was left unfinished. youre gone and there’s nothing poetic about the way you left. there’s nothing poetic about being up until 4 in the morning, crying and wishing for you to come back. there’s nothing romantic about waking up in the middle of the night with my pillow drenched in tears and me screaming your name, theres absolutely nothing beautiful about this type of pain. and you wanna know the worst part of it all is? the fact that there are people who are still in love with people who have every chance to get them back, but havent even tried. and i envy them..i envy them so much because if i even had the slightest bit of a chance to get you back, i would take it in a heartbeat. but im afraid its a bit too late for that. heaven decided to take you instead. im angry, im bitter, im furious, im resentful, im destroyed, im torn, im broken, i am all these things and more because you have left. you had always told me to remember the night we spent behind stage in the dark, the only light peaking through was from the stage entrance..i remember seeing you perfectly even in a place with no light, i remember how beautiful you looked and i know men arent known as beautiful, but you were. i remember how happy i was and i remember holding onto you for dear life because i didn’t want that moment to end. i remember going home that night, terrified because i knew i was falling in love. i was terrified that you were going to be the one that broke me completely. i remember telling you that this was either going to make me or break me. i remember how selfish i was to walk away from someone who made me completely and unbelievably happy. i remember how stupid i felt when i let you go. days, weeks, months had went by and all i remember was that all i wanted to do was to see you, i wanted to see if you were happy. i remember expecting to see you at games or the carnivals our town held, or out and about, but i never did. the last time i saw you you were cold, you were laying in a wooden coffin..i begged you to stay, i begged you to come back. i begged you to wake me up from such a horrible nightmare. i clung to your cold hard hand and i kissed your forehead just like you did to me.but i can tell you right now that i would gladly take any day back just to see you again, even if it was a day we were bitter to each other..i would take anything back to see you, to tell you everything i have been wanting to tell you since the day i walked away. but it make sense now..when i told you that you would make me or break me, well…you broke me. i know you didn’t mean to but fuck. i loved you..oh god i loved you…i was just so scared of the idea of love at the time that i couldn’t push myself to tell you, so i ran. oh god, and i still love you. and i still beg for you to come back to me. because nothing makes sense without you here.”

“I remember looking up at you and seeing everything I ever wanted and I guess that’s what scared me the most.”