what happens when you meet god at a young age and god wants to be your teacher and your mother and your lover and your only friend

(what happens when god wants nothing and you put words in her mouth, just to feel wanted)

wizard prodigy. he breathes magic. mystra's favour crackles in the palm of his hands with the brightness of a thousand suns

he loves and loves and loves. he is a creature of wanting.

he hungers, too, for recognition (does he crave equality or power? it depends. that is the ugly truth at the very center of his being, beating like a second heart: it depends)

still, a pure soul: everyone deserves a chance, he will give it to them, he will bleed and bleed and bleed until everyone is saved

(god asks you to blow yourself up)

(you want to. you want a way out. you want to stop starving. you want to stop hurting)

(did you pray for this?)

notes:

gale is autistic. it might make him a bit arrogant or unaware of the effect his words can have. this is also the reason he keeps blabbering about magic even when no one else in the room cares

gale was groomed by mystra, and while he might romanticize the situation, i will not. he doesn't understand the extent of the abuse until the very end... once the brain is defeated and he realizes he didn't have to die for it

the evil side's golden boy turned cannon fodder turned ultimate loser

spoiled, rich brat now grown enough to be considered an adult, without riches nor reputation

still an asshole, though.

with centuries of prejudices to dig himself out of, a slow process, a stupid endeavor, but what's left to try?

is there a life after the war? (does he deserve to have one?)

after, he disappears into london-- finds a library, lets himself be bullied by an old woman (edna) who shows him how to use the computer (marvelous invention)

his friends are no longer his friends. his mother goes to paris where the shame is no heavier than a shawl. his father rots in prison. he pretends he does not love him enough to care (a lie) (a lifetime of them-- his only true inheritance)

after a while he knows enough to get himself a job in a non-magical shop, where no one knows his name nor cares about the ugly tattoo on his forearm

CHILDHOOD / -annie was a career tribute, but not really of her own volition. her family wanted her to win to gain prestige, and they trained her since birth with that exact project in mind. perhaps despite her parents' wishes, she grew up to be kind and sensitive. still, they thought she had all her chances of being chosen as the capitol's sweetheart. -however she didnt volunteer during all her earlier years -her family was pretty wealthy. she was an older daughter. her little sister, nettie, died of drowning around seven or eight. -the male tribute, felix cove, was a career tribute too, very ambitious. his family was… rough, especially on him. had been beating him for years, ever since he had turned 11 and hadn't volunteered. being now 18, this was their last chance… they both knew that if felix didn't participate in the games, his family would never forgive him (they probably threatened him too). and annie knew that if she wasn't the one volunteering first, he wouldn't go (ambitious, but not brave) annie and him were basically best friends, so when her hand was raised, it was as much for him than it was for her own family -she didn't know what she was getting into when she joined the games. she followed her mother's expectations of her, she did it for felix, but she didn't really realize what these expectations actually meant until felix's death -felix was her first friend, her first boyfriend, her first everything. while it didn't work out romantically, they both agreed they were each other's soulmates. they were extremely close, almost twin-like, always in each other's space. -felix and annie knew finnick rather well, had been training with him for a long time. felix used a trident too, while annie's specialities were traps with fishnets and being endurant. -she had a crush on finnick, which felix was well-aware of. he probably tried to set them up during the tour (mostly to avoid talking abt what it would mean if one of them came back and not the other) she definitely fell in love with him. -she got along with mags very well, and immediately saw a family figure in her. finnick probably noticed that too. annie is a gentle person, who doesn't really mind quirks and accomodating her personality to make it easier for others to interact. literally the kind of person to go on her knees despite being in a beautiful and precious dress just to say hi to a kid, so the kid won't have to look up and feel self-conscious.

THE 70th HUNGER GAMES / -during the games, felix and her sided together. they survived a few days, until other tributes found her. the tributes were… more hungry for violence than they were for actual death, which is probably why few had been killed after the first bloodbath. the career tributes liked to Play. -people often assume annie's trauma comes from the beheading, but it's a little bit more complicated : they held her while they did it, making sure she'd see, and then told her to run so they'd be able to chase her. -them letting her go just to make the game go on longer pissed off the gamemakers, who triggered the earthquake, which. definitely made the games go faster -she ran and hid until the dam broke. i think she might have already been near the water when it happened, which made it "easier" to welcome the added water rather than try to outrun it as most would. once the water filled the arena, she didn't really want to swim, but she couldn't let herself die either. maybe she got a gift that she knew finnick had obtained for her, so she held on and started swimming -she spent a Long time swimming, fr. she is strong. like. swimming for days & keeping herself alive despite having no solid ground to stand and rest on kind of strong. -also note that all that time was spent listening to other tributes drowning, or drowning others. she got her win by drowning a desperate tribute who attacked her. this is probably what truly broke her : this last act of violence that wasn't the arena, but hers -when she won, she didn't really. realize

POST-VICTORY / -they didn't celebrate her as much as they usually do with victors because… she didn't really kill much, and to people watching on tv, her accomplishment didn't seem that big. on top of that, it was evident from the moment that she stepped out of the arena that she had very severe ptsd and physical conditions that couldn't be ignored -because of how long she spent in the water, she had ear infections relatively severe that needed to be treated immediately. because the capitol wanted to parade her a little, and because she didn't express her pain in a way they understood/believed, they didn't immediately give her the treatments she needed, which led to a loss of hearing -she can hear loud noises, as well as guess what has been said from reading lips. with people close to her (such as finnick and mags) or people who know how to, she usually signs -she is believed to hear noises that don't exist, which is often sounds from the sea, like waves rushing against the shore. triggering events or very loud noises can lead to hallucinations of screams similar to the gurgling sounds of drowning tributes, hence why she puts her hands over her ears. she also hears the voice of nettie, which is why she may giggle at inappropriate times -after the games, she has settled in the victors' house and spent a year without approaching the water. its finnick who helped her get reacquainted with what she loved most. after that, she can be found floating in the water, eyes closed, smiling slightly. it helps her calm herself down

SECOND REAPING, THE REBELS / -when she was reaped her second time, it was so triggering that she felt like the dam had broken once more. she thought she was back there, that she was going to die. it's like all these years of trying to learn how to be alive didn't matter, because the capitol was going to steal it all from her. -when mags volunteered instead, annie couldn't stop crying. contrary to popular belief, she is aware, she is extremely aware. she knew what it meant for mags to go instead of her. the guilt of her death is still with her -she made finnick promise a thousand times to come back to her. it was all that seemed to matter to her. -i think annie made the choice not to be told about the rebels. told finnick to do what it takes to get out. told him that she didn't care what happened as long as he came back -when the capitol captured her… let's say it was both triggering and underwhelming. the torture was good in the sense that it was real. it was bad in the sense that it felt like dying. the most triggering and scarring for her wasn't the torture but the screams from the others, like peeta and johanna. -i think even if she shies away from the truth of that event, she knows what happened and she has an acute understanding of the bond shared between peeta, johanna and her. especially so with peeta bc they're definitely made of the same wood, both fighting for someone else and both suffering from an unstable sense of reality -the wedding was the most beautiful day of her life. the proof that they had survived. -annie was not aware of her pregnancy when finnick left. -they kept his death from her for as long as they could afford, which was not a very long time. despite what everyone expected, annie did not fall to the ground wailing crying sobbing throwing up. she went incredibly quiet. an uneasy aura circled her and swallowed her. -she continued to help as much as she could. especially with children and food. she did what she was asked, stared into oblivion when she had nothing to do -when came the votes for new games, not only did annie vote no, she also explicitly stated that finnick wouldn't have wanted that either. it's the first time she showed any kind of assurance, a brief reflection of who she might have been prior to the games -when the war ended, she went back to district four and had her son, tild.

trigger warning: parental death.

so maybe life isn't perfect. maybe he is dating a girl he should have broken-up with years ago. maybe he should have left that god-awful job years ago, when it was just a degree & not an essential paycheck. maybe he should have called his mom more. maybe he shouldn't be smoking. that doesn't mean it won't get better

fine!!!! maybe life isn't perfect right now. but it could be, right?

maybe the girl he's dating breaks up with him on a random tuesday at two o'clock -- a time he would never have been available at if he hadn't gotten himself fired a week earlier. maybe when he tries to call his mom to tell her about it (after a year of barely checking up on her because he didn't have the time to do so), he gets sent to her voicemail. maybe later that day, he gets a call. the call. the one that tells you the most important person of your life died. yes, that call. and on top of that? he's pretty sure he has asthma, and the smoking is making it so much fucking worse

none of it matters

(except it does)

because life really isn't perfect, it's even kind of terrible. so of course it starts again, and deniza breaks up with him again, and mom still dies, and he still coughs like an old sailor while crying his lungs out after that fucking call.

of course it matters. especially when he keeps waking up, relieving that shitty day, the shittiest of his life so far, again & again & again, ad nauseam (and even after that)

at first he thinks it's for him-- the repetition. like a god-sent lesson

(it isn't)

and then it's just that. a repetition without divine instruction: a bit of bad luck, caught in someone else's existential crisis. bad news on top of bad news on top of bad news

until it stops

and yes he tried to figure out who was stuck and yes he did come up with a name and yes he wanted to confront them, and yes he did, but what do you tell to the universe's favorite one? you ruined my life?

(it wouldn't even be true)

(they ruined a passing day)(turned it into an eternity)(sacrificed all the memories & replaced them with that unending day)

now the day's new, and life is still shitty, and he doesn't know how to live in a world where everything doesn't go wrong 100% of the time

a family of scientists & inventors

(mama was as much of a genius as papa, but her work became his became a legacy wearing his name)

mama never really forgave the world for the erasure of her name. started to self-medicate as to avoid considering the widening chasm of irrelevancy in her own field of study after years of childcare. after a while, the abyss was too big to ignore. so mama fell headfirst into the sink. didn't get back up. was found lying in vomit & half digested happy pills.

dad didn't become a better father because of it. he did become a better scientist: stole the last of mama's work, every piece he had yet to claim.

ceri grew up knowing papa had no interest in her. saw him prefer her brother, who had more of a scientific mind. ceri didn't. ceri didn't like science, or medicine, or even reading. ceri had a taste for the outdoors, for figure skating and climbing places that she should definitely not climb. cery's intelligence was in her body: in the moving of her limbs, in the easy charm of facial expressions shifting with ease, in the surety of her physical strength.

in short: ceri was such a disappointment.

flash forward a few years. papa starts working on a very special project. a very secret one. he doesn't tell ceri, though he tells lev.

so of course ceri goes to investigate. she climbs the stairs of the tower, touches a metal rod she shouldn't have touched, while the storm outside grows hungrier.

you guessed it:

(death by lightning)

life ends. ceri ceases to exist.

then papa finds her. doesn't mourn his daughter-- too late for that. he has an idea. papa decides that he can create the miracle of life twice.

so he cuts her open & re-arranges her perfectly. he has to change a few parts but that doesn't matter. he'll give his daughter her life back. she'll be perfect. (he's willing to change her a little to make her perfect)(such a small sacrifice) she'll be the proof that he is the greatest scientist of all time.

rinse, repeat. electricity, a shock to level a city, and then ceri's surprisingly beating heart.

(papa got it wrong)

(papa got her wrong)

(wrong eye color wrong hand wrong everything)(she's so acutely aware of exisinting inside her own corpse)(let her out)(LET HER OUT)

but it doesn't matter. because papa needs her to smile for the cameras.

papa's girl.

papa's dead girl.

she's never been good at being human. the doctors could give you a very long list of the specific ways in which she failed at her one task, but the truth is her brain was simply wired differently. they knew from the get-go. got her tested when she was five, because of a speech delay that they couldn't seem to fix. (spoiler alert: she could speak. had just decided not to. told her mother a few years later: "i didn't have anything interesting to say")

she has a really flat affect. she trusts what you say & means what she says. your joke will miss, hers will not register.

she works in a public library.

one day, late at night, she hears a sound in the parking lot. she goes to investigate, because a few weeks prior, the same thing happened and she found a couple of kittens roaming freely. (she took them home. named them mu & stash.) this time, it's not cute baby animals.

meet dusara. (it crawls up her neck, infiltrate her head through her ear. the connexion is near immediate, like a lightning strike) it does not have a name but kamak gives it one anyway, though she doesn't speak it: dusara has the reigns. she can only watch as it happens; as her body moves; as her voice expresses surprise & interest & anger, a myriad of variants it never got to experience until now)

makshi!dusara is an exquisite creature. sunshine in a bottle. beautiful & loud & so very good at being who you need her to be.

(the alien studies mankind. takes notes.)

(makshi screams, but the body's lips barely quiver)

it lasts a year, then two.

dusara leaves.

kamakshi remains.

& her life, unchanged, is forever ruined:

a job where everyone loved her better after

a family who finally had a chance to admit they thought their beloved daughter would always be a burden-- how amazing that she had seemingly gotten over decades of disability in the span of a week!

lovers & friends, more interested in the alien version of her than the human one

loosely based on the maid of gévaudan

she inherits the curse of the beast on a sunny afternoon, august 11th of 1765, while trying to protect her little sister monique from what appears to be a gigantic wolf.

nothing happens the next day. nor the day after that. it's a full moon cycle later that things start to change: her nails growing faster than she can file them, the tip of her teeth biting into her lip, etc. it takes two full moons for the worst to happen: shapeshifting into the thing she killed, their souls merging into one terrible creature.

the beast is not a quiet companion. it growls and hisses-- grows more powerful with the approaching full moon. and when it comes (it always does) the beast takes center stage, its hunger a well without bottom.

no choice but to leave her village: yvonne fakes her own death & the creature, a morbid painting of their final moment, the maiden & the wolf in an embrace that even death won't put an end to.

yvonne told her sister about her secret, and both begin a journey to find a cure to the oldest's curse.

(spoiler alert: none is found)

monique grows older. monique leaves her youth behind while yvonne looks as she did on that fateful day. monique doesn't want to run anymore so they stop. monique marries, monique has children. yvonne watches. grinds her teeth. wonders if love will ever feel like anything but untamed hunger.

(yvonne's desire is its own creature of fangs & knife-sharp nails. it's its own secret)

monique dies.

it's at that pivotal point of the story that yvonne understands the price of eternity, and finds that it's not worth enduring: the beast is given free-rage. it hunts through the world like a demon on its last leg. it doesn't know when the leash will be tugged on.

(centuries of feral hunger)(centuries of quiet humming)(centuries of not having to be human)

when yvonne finally wakes up, startled by her own thirst for a choice, it's 2026 and everything is so different she might cry.

the making of a life with a leashed feral beast in the back seat.

yvonne finds work as a cleaning lady: perhaps the only thing in her life right now that makes some kind of sense.

the supe's psychiatrist.

chosen by god, they say. but truth is, her mother made her what she is, a disaster in multiple acts. you'll be great, you'll be fantastic — compound v for the baby of one of the doctors involved in the project. a gift from vought to mrs. bane ; for your service, they say. her mother is ecstatic. already, she dreams of what her daughter will do: she sees her breathing flames or flying. an extraordinary path for her extraordinary baby.

but the girl develops no such ability. henrike is quiet in ways only those who listen know how to be. the girl is never angry & never joyful. mother is not worried: her baby will be great, will be fantastic. the refrain becomes hymn, and soon enough the girl repeats it to herself. when nothing else makes sense, she can go back to this moment. the maternal belief & the unshakeable force of it. but the powers never seem to appear, and soon enough mother gets sad. the kind of sad that cannot be cured. the kind of sad that is only chemicals & braincells failing to do their job. the kind of sad we blame on the economy, on her love life, on her stressful work. but truly, this is the kind of sad you only get because of a fucked-up society demanding more of you each day. it's the whole system destroying, cells by cells, her little bubble of happiness, until her brain is no longer able to produce any kind of dopamine. mother is depressed & mother no longer believes in greatness.

the girl watches. the girl stays silent. when mother cries herself to sleep, she can feel it all the way to her room. she follows the slow jolting rhythm of her breathing & finds herself joining mother into the bed. hands on her chest, the hollow beatings of her heart under her hands. be happy, mom. be great. & so the cells reorganize, the brain connects the dots until it is releasing the needed chemicals. soon enough, mother is laughing. mother is happy. isn't that amazing ?

they have a new routine. whenever henrike is around, she plays with her mother's body until it stops betraying her. mother doesn't go to work, now, because mother can't stand to be far away from her baby. henrike thought it was what she wanted, but mother doesn't want the girl to go to school or bible camp anymore. mother wants her all to herself. they'll steal you away, she says at night. they'll steal you from me. that idea is stronger than any supervillain: once it has blossomed, it doesn't stop growing.

she is fourteen when the rose of her mother's paranoia finally starts to wilt. which is to say, mother is nothing but that same rotten idea. they'll steal you away, and now she's screaming at her baby. henrike, you can't go out. they'll steal you !! the screaming becomes flying hands becomes a red cheek and tears. henrike wants to go, says it in as many clear words as she can, louder than she's ever been; but mother doesn't want to hear.

it happens very fast. another scream, a fist searching for bones to crack, the girl's fear smelling stronger than gasoline. tears, her mother repeating, i can't let you go, i can't let you go. until the words become: stop fucking crying. hands on her throat, to keep her where she is __ to keep her trapped. henrike stops breathing, fists clenched. her mother stops breathing, hands opening. mother doesn't start breathing again, even after henrike has gotten away & swallowed an enormous gulf of air, hot tears down her cheek.

the girl becomes a teenager ; we could tell you of her dry eyes at her mother's funeral, her sadness a weight on her shoulders — how does one carry grief when one is to blame? we could also tell you of her moving in with her grandparents, the silence of her grandfather's gaze (a fear, she knows, of what her mother had turned her into), the noise of her grandmother's presence always watching her (an anger, she knows, born out of what she has turned her mother into)

life is uneventful because henrike wishes it so; she is rarely invited anywhere & prefers to spend time in her books, lost between pages that never fail to make sense. her passion doesn't appear gradually: it strikes her, one day, like a flash of lightning, upon reading a sentence, a paragraph, a small portion of knowledge soon to be stored in her brain. her mother was depressed. her mother was sick. there is no cure but there are solutions, and all those solutions were dreamt up by ordinary doctors. but the girl is not ordinary ... she is great, fantastic — and if she could not save her mother, then she will rid the earth of the evil that killed her. (don't you realize, girl, that it was not her depression that led her into your murdering hands?)

it is with the knowledge of her own power that she goes to college to study both psychology & medicine. impossible, they say. too much work & so little time. but henrike holds on; her only hobbies are reading about material that classes have yet to reach. she is not passionate, she is obsessed. soon, people are no longer people, but play things, little rats meant to be experimented on. the body, great machinery she can manipulate — hoping to get the perfect result.

but the girl made a promess to her grandmother; at twenty-one, she would go to one of vought's interviews. get yourself a job as a superhero, darling! henrike's desire to be in the public light is almost as inexistant as her desire to save anyone from robbers or murderers — but henrike's weakness seems to be her grandmother's pleading gaze, no longer afraid of her extraordinary granddaughter. a miracle, she tells her friends, truly god sent!! and henrike does not wish to make the same mistake twice (that would be a scientific disaster ; shame is the result of a repeated failed hypothesis) so she goes to vought, introduces herself & lets them film her, watch her, interrogate her. her path to the final stage is easy to create: a few twist of her wrist, the right words & the right amount of serotonin ... a done deal, really, until she is summoned to edgar stan's office for a private one-on-one discussion.

you would make a terrible superhero, he says, to which she nods in agreement. she is no liar, only a truth-wielder, knowing how to turn facts into weapons. she is no hero, no matter how you decide to twist the situation: she has no empathic bone in her body, refuses to run unless chased, and has no desire to belong to the public scene. when edgar stan pushes the papers toward her, the done deal is no longer about becoming part of the seven: how about working for us, miss bane? — finish your studies, and come back.

doctor bliss! the supe's official therapist. her grandmother's dream in mind, she has to say yes, no matter how shitty the deal is: she knows better than to refuse employment in one of the biggest companies of the country.

life is good until it is not. from simple therapist she becames tv host: doctor bliss, a joke on your screen every friday night — psychoanalyzing citizens & shooting them with just enough dopamine to never forget the experience. if she doesn't completely abhor the scene, she absolutely hates her job as the seven's therapist. entitled idiots, self-absorbed & ignorant — she wants out. it is her husband who pushes her to approach madeline with her resignation letter. you deserve better, he says. imagine the family we could have, he says. i love you, he says. only one of those things hits her where it matters; the first one. she is meant to be great, fantastic, extraordinary! her dream had been to discover a cure for a disease that no one can see & no one knows how to fight. how could she let that go in favor of a shitty tv-show & a few appointments with overpowered idiots?

camilla hect, the locked tomb, she/her.

mercymorn the first, saint of joy, the locked tomb, she/her.

elide lochan, throne of glass, she/her.

lorcan salvaterre, throne of glass, he/him.

manon blackbeak, throne of glass, she/they.

amren, a court of thorns and roses, they/them.

lae'zel of crèche k'liir, baldur's gate iii, she/they.

horror universes.

natalie scatorccio, yellowjackets, she/her.

dani ardor, midsommar, she/they.

mari ibarra, yellowjackets, she/her.

natalie scatorccio, yellowjackets, she/her.

lisa sherwood / the hag, dead by daylight, she / it.

dystopian universes.

aloy, the horizon games, she / they.

modern universes.

fleabag, fleabag, she/her.

patrick jane, the mentalist, he/him.

shelby goodkind, the wilds, she/her.

tim ahern, the newsreader, he/him.

gerry carroll, the newsreader, he/him.

elena rygg, game changers, she/they.

ryan price, game changers, he/him.

dorri, sherri & terri mackleberry, the simpsons, she / her.

annie edison, community, she / her.

jessica day, new girl, she / her.

magical universes.

enid sinclair, wednesday, she/her.

agnes demille, wednesday, she/her.

jane of the volturi, adapted to interview with the vampire, she/her.