aCATNAMEDFISH

it’s ninety-nine degrees outside, four fuck-thousand percent humidity, and my husband was like, “i’m gonna go for a bike ride.” and i was like “why. no. why. don’t put us on the news like that. local fool collapses on unnecessary journey. don’t do it.” so he says he doesn’t want to “hide in the house” because the sun is shining. bruh. honeybruh. “the sun is shining” does not cover it. its hot outside. its motherfucking hot as fuck outside. our outdoor plants have been crying into their hands all week. whole cars are melting into the sewer. our fucking patio umbrella developed sentience to ask me for lemonade this morning

@robotmango, you need to work for the weather forecast - this was both hilarious and so vivid it made me stand up and get some iced tea.

this is a great idea, thank you. here goes. my audition tape for the weather channel. dearly beloved. we are gathered here today to have a fucking funeral for the outdoors. it had a good run, with all its creeks and clouds and shit. pretty great. now it’s ten-thirty at night but still ninety-two asshole-sweating degrees and humid as fuck. everything is hot and slimy, like being a “borrower” that got trapped inside a bottle of shampoo and then accidentally microwaved. you can see on my doppler radar that nothing is moving around out there because everything is probably dead. the only alive thing is the mosquito currently trying to drill a hole in my leg. no surprise that all the shitbag mosquitos are fine, since the thermostat of hell is always at the devil’s preferred temperature. this forecast has gotten away from me a little, but in conclusion fuck the sun

I think I’ve reblogged this before, but “the thermostat of hell is always at the devil’s preferred temperature” is fucking poetry

the gasp is what sent

The gasps HKHJGJGJ

in sixth grade you were either a cucumber melon bitch or a warm vanilla sugar bitch

the fuck does this mean

this is japanese cherry blossom erasure

Hey y'all I still don’t know wtf this means

Umm I was kinda mature for my age? I was a moonlight path bitch

this post is also sweet pea erasure

hawaiian ginger reporting for duty asking wtf we’re not included

NICE

If I caption this “I can haz cheezburger?” do you think the fabric of time and space will rip and we’ll be flung violently back into our own past?

At this point being flung back that far might well be worth it.

how many hands you got

two? don’t see how that’s relevant

that’s still four people

will smith isn’t gay. he has a wife and three beautiful, talented children

I can’t believe this post predicted the live action Aladdin genie

I don’t have context for this and I hope I never get any

cranky because you haven’t had any prophetic dreams to aid you on your quest aren’t you

This gives a whole new level of creepiness to when random men tell you to smile.

People who talk about the 50s like they were this golden Era frighten me

do you ever see your sibling and just have this overwhelming urge to smack them for no reason? like my brother will walk into the room and i’m like “oh man i guess i have to end you”

You don’t understand how much this post has ruined my life. My older sister won’t stop mentioning the Cain Instinct. Every time I hear the name Cain I run in fear, It’s not funny anymore. She’ll literally say “im feeling the Cain Instinct” just before she attacks. But all I’m feeling is the Abel Instinct. Someone save me. I am a sacrificial lamb and God is my sister with a pillow.

hey Disney i got a great idea for seven Tarzan sequels you’re not gonna believe

Isn’t it crazy how women are supposed to be in their 20s their whole life.