not a perfect soldier

it had felt like bucky had been spending all of his unlimited amount of free time now mourning over things that he couldn’t change. it was easy when he had something to do, kept his mind off things, but eventually, all of those things end and all that he’s left with is his thoughts, and it’s a dangerous place to be. so he tries to fill up his sadness, his grief, and all the trauma that he had neatly tucked away in boxes with something else. but he didn’t have anything to fill them up with anymore. he had agreed to come here because of some fucking morale booster but bucky knew that he wasn’t the right guy for that job, maybe someone had let them know that bucky needed to get out of his apartment for a bit, see the outside world until he retreated back into his hole. 

when he hears steve say his name, he winces, he had thought of what he would have done in this kind of situation, having repeated it in his head numerous times when he couldn’t fall asleep, all the things that he would have said. he remembers going to where he was supposedly buried and kept asking him to not be dead, just pull one more miracle, if he could, and now here he was. his jaw clenches, his fists tighten and he brushes off something someone says, he hadn’t been paying attention to them anyway. he doesn’t know why he’s angry, but it was like the love and grief he felt didn’t know how to come out, so they chose anger instead. when he meets him, his hands are the first to react before his brain does, he pushes him into the wall before distancing himself, looking away. “what the fuck steve? you’re alive and you didn’t even—” didn’t even tell me, didn’t come to me first, i would have let you in. it could have been their secret, he had been good at keeping those when it came to steve. “fuck.”

anger was to be expected in the face of this. there had been time to go to bucky ever since he’d been brought back to this world from where he’d been taken -- time to explain, time to make it better. realistically, steve knew that bucky should have been one of the very first people that he went to upon his return into a world that didn’t truly feel like his own any longer. maybe it was the guilt weighing him down, or perhaps the fear of what would be put out into the open if he bothered to have done that. there was no good reason for any of it. and steve would be damned if he was going to make one up just to make them both feel better about the situation at hand. 

sam somehow feels simultaneously hot all over and like someone’s dumped a bucket of ice over his head. it’s not exactly that he wasn’t expecting it - part of him always thought that there was this spark between them, something kindling, not quite enough to be acknowledged, but there all the same, electrifying the air between them.

but mostly - mostly it’s that sam wrote it all away. he was angry when steve was gone, not only being saddled with a moniker people hate him for carrying, but for going without a word to him about it. for leaving him with all this grief and no place to put it. sam had to grieve his friend, his best friend, and his memory. try to carry his legacy when it’s not even comparable for a Black man. he had to grieve his love for him, a love unspoken, a love kept to himself. a love he couldn’t even bring himself to whisper between motel sheets and car seats and plane rides, no matter how much he wanted to. it was a lot to grieve, even more to do alone, stuck angry and upset on answers he’ll never get.

sam’s grieved a great love before. sam’s never gotten to say goodbye before. no one told him it would hurt just as much as the first time around, just differently. that he’d have to learn to cope again. to breathe again. and none of that was helped by the fact that he was dead for five years, coming back to an older sister instead of a younger one, to nephews he’s lost too much time with already, and other friends lost without goodbye.

and having steve back brought all of those feelings back too, messy and uncomfortable and making sam realise they’ve scarred instead of bruised because when you love someone so deeply it never really goes away.

but leaning back in his seat, sam can see how hard this is for steve. knows how hard it is - his epic speeches of confidence don’t always carry over into his personal life, sam learned quickly.

“seems like being able to read you like a book hasn’t changed for me, huh.” he tries to hold steve’s gaze. “but steve i…i don’t even know where to start. i think - i think i must’ve known something was there between us but. but where was the time for it, you know? and - shit, steve i grieved you. in all those ways.”

going into this, he didn’t expect all that much. time had obviously passed by -- shorter on sam’s end, perhaps, but it had passed. even in the decades that had passed steve by, there had been a small part of him that had kept some hope that he would be able to return home and finally get out everything that he had been holding in for far too long. you’d think for someone that had too much experience being too late for everything would make him act quicker. somehow it had never worked that way. he was always hesitating just a little too long -- always too late.

sam had obviously mourned, thinking him dead in the time that had spanned in this world after he failed to return from his mission. that weighed heavily on a person. they all knew the risks that came in this life, the sorrow that could take grip when a loss struck. no matter how many times any of them went through it, it would never get easier. and, though this thing between them had always remained unspoken, steve knew what sam had gone through all those years ago in a far too similar situation. he’d never wanted to be the one behind that sort of hurt whenever it came to the man that had stolen his heart with that friendly, understanding smile. those warms eyes that always seemed to melt steve down. 

“there was never any time for it. between, well, everything that the universe kept throwing our way.” he tried to brush it off, laugh in the face of that sorrow, but it just came out feeling more hollow than anything else. “i don’t expect anything here, sam. i never did. a part of me may have hoped, sure, but i understand a lot has changed since i just vanished. i never wanted to put you through that sort of grief again. as much as i wish some things could have been done differently, we both know that’s not the way the world works.” his gaze finally does drop, unable to hold sam’s for too much longer.

          @acapsiicle​​    //    “  YOU  NEVER  MENTIONED  WHERE  you  ended  up  after  you  returned  all  the  stones  .  ”  he  can’t  help  but  be  a  little  curious  .  after  all  ,  there’s  always  the  risk  of  breaking  the  fabric  of  reality  when  it  comes  to  time  travel  .

          @acapsiicle​​    //    “  SO  HOW  DOES  THIS  whole  captain  america  thing  work  ?  there’s  two  of  you  now  ?  ”

          SHE  SHAKES  HER  HEAD  .  “  i’m  afraid  not  .  you’ve  seen  the  smithsonian  exhibit  .  it’s  VERY  star-spangly  .  and  the  og  shield  was  not  really  doing  you  any  wonders  !  ”  they  know  it  was  like  a  whole  patriotism  stunt  during  the  40s  ,  but  it  doesn’t  mean  it’s  not  entertaining  as  hell  .  “  nah  ,  i’ve  got  time  so  i’m  down  to  chill  .  i  didn’t  know  you  sketched  .  you’ve  got  layers  to  you  .  ”

“ aw , thanks mister ! always like a good encouraging thing . keeps me going . “ and if it makes him a little extra cash in the future , then he’ll definitely keep it going . “ ned blinked , “ you’re telling me your DM’s aren’t popping ? wow . “ sure , there’s a lot of assumption going on , between being a public figure and getting a lot of romantic attention , but he was a simple man . “ there’s always something to be said about self - care and doing it in the most romantic day of the year , after new year’s . so , you know what ?  i respect it ! high - five ! “ without thinking , he holds up a hand for the other to slap .

    “steve.”  the  name  tastes  foreign  on  his  tongue..  not  to  mention  the  fact  he  still  felt  a  little  bad.  steve  wasn’t  nearly  a  name  strong  enough  for  a  man  like  captain  rogers.  but  he’d  respect  the  other’s  wishes.  "the  tree?”  vision  repeats,  making  his  way  towards  the  object.  “would  you  like  me  to  sit?  stay  standing?  i  wouldn’t  want  to  mess  with  your  vision,  sir..  please.  direct  me.  let  me  know  what  you  would  like  me  to  do.”

@acapsiicle​​

WHERE: SHIELD.

“look alive, barnes.” it’s the first thing that bucky hears when he snaps out of the brief moment where he had pretended that he wasn’t here. he’s had his arms crossed looking at all the agents. technically, bucky was here to boost morale but he’s done a pretty shitty job at that. he had come because he felt like he still owed a debt of some kind, and by the time that he had gotten here he had already regretted it. when someone asks him a question he grunts out half a response before he needs to give himself a break from the group of people. big crowds weren’t his favourite thing, in fact, he had felt like he was suffocating in here which is why he finds it all amusing that he would be here in the first place. it isn’t until the door opens, and someone is saying ‘rogers’ that bucky snaps his head up, looking across the way that he meets steve’s eyes.

it’s nice, to see steve relaxed. it’s been a long time since they’ve been in each other’s company like this; easy, joking, happy. and maybe the end of the world has come again, in its own weird way, but they aren’t fighting. they aren’t running. it’s just them.

sam laughs. “oh that’s how it is? i guess your ass in a cheer uniform is a good consolation prize for losing – though, how fair is racing you anyway? i need like, a five minute head start at least.”

though, for as much as sam loves teasing steve – honestly, he should list it as one of his hobbies at this point – he thinks steve must have something else up his sleeve to be cooking for him like this. and sam almost wants to let steve bring it up, if there indeed is something to bring up, but the tension is palpable, strung up in a tight heat between them like a bowstring pulled taut, ready for fire. and god, it hangs heavy in his heart. so sam bites the bullet.

“so breakfast. threats of a little cheer uniform.” he jokes, then softens. “what’s going on, steve?”

“that’s how it is.” reminiscent of their very first meeting that had always stood out in steve’s mind from the very first time he had laid eyes on sam. never in a million years had he ever imagined something would click so effortlessly into place just from seeing someone. maybe a part of steve had known the two of them could fit together like two broken puzzle pieces, scarred and damaged from things neither of them could ever help. “seemed only fair to give you some sort of consolation prize. i’ll even give you a fifteen minute head start just to be a swell guy.” 

steve knew something had to give at some point. either he would have, or sam would have. the latter had won out, and now he was presented with a whole new level of uncertainty. he’d never been good at this sort of thing no matter what other people may say or think. steve had never grown out of that awkwardness whenever he had feelings for someone. never knew the right thing to say or do without feeling like he was making a complete fool of himself. 

“alright, alright. you got me. i wanted to talk.” gaze drops, second guesses himself all over again. what if this ruined everything that they had now?? what if steve was looking too far into this when there was actually nothing there?? he couldn’t lose sam. not in any capacity. 

BRUCE’S   FOCUS   IS   ON   HIS   PHONE   that   is   quieter   than   usual.   for   the   first   time   in   decades   his   phone   was   off   silent   ,   as   he   patiently   awaited   a   phone   call   .   .   .   a   lead.   he   turns   to   the   gentleman   beside   him   with   a   confused   look.   ❝   me ?   ❞   he   points   to   himself.   ❝   you   sure   ?   can’t   promise   i’d   be   any   good.   ❞   he   says   ,   knowing   damn   well   that   he   would   be.

“something tells me that isn’t exactly true,” he offers up with a faint, teasing smile at the man. there was just something about his look -- the way he held himself. steve just knew that it would translate incredibly well into a drawing. “i’m sure, though. only if you got the time, of course. i wouldn’t want to keep you if there’s something important you gotta focus on there instead.” 

          KATE  GLANCES  UP  FROM  THEIR  PHONE  .  it  takes  a  moment  to  register  what  steve’s  asking  .  she  can  attribute  that  to  delayed  auditory  processing  .  “  you’re  telling  me  the  star-spangled  man  himself  wants  to  sketch  me  ?  ”  they  jest  .  “  yeah  ,  i’m  fine  with  it  dude  .  although  ,  how  long  would  it  take  and  how  still  would  i  have  to  sit  ?  ”

“ why , mister rogers .. i’d be honored . “ and of all the things that this supposed resurrection could’ve given him , a kind of time like this with one of his childhood heroes (  if not the childhood hero that phillip looked up to  ) was surreal . he’d definitely try and hold it back , not scare the other off . might not even mention the trading cards until maybe another day or so if they even get to that point .

most people assumed steve had likely died whenever he never returned from his effort to put the infinity stones back where they belonged. or, perhaps, he had simply vanished or stayed in a different time. there were quite a few rumors and theories on it, more so when he made his return to this world alongside the others that had been brought back from the dead.

steve had always planned to return. he’d given sam the shield before leaving, content to move on from captain america once he returned. maybe he could finally settle down, live a quieter life now that things were finally starting to look up more in the aftermath of thanos’ defeat. the stones had all been returned safely, but steve never made it back as he’d been meant to. 

something went wrong. to this day, steve still isn’t sure what happened or how he was pulled from the timeline on his way back, but he never made it. instead, he was pulled into another time -- another dimension entirely. dimension z, it was called. a place where time worked differently, as did the rules of the world. in this dimension armin zola was in control, experimenting on people, doing whatever he pleased. 

waking up strapped to a table is never an enjoyable moment, and though he managed to escape zola’s clutches, he took an innocent child with him after seeing the baby in the lab as well. over the next few years steve spent in this place, he raised the child that had become ian. with plans to take down zola once and for all as ian became old enough, steve remembers everything fading black, nothingness surrounding him until he was back in the world that had once  been his. 

❝ sure. ❞ she gives a warm smile. ❝ i do want to let you know i’ve never POSED like this before so sorry if i’m not the best muse. ❞

“i promise there really isn’t much to it, if that helps at all. it’s actually a lot easier than you might thing.” with his free hand, steve motions to the chair opposite him. “it helps to just do something you’d naturally do. forcing it never really helps.” 

@acapsiicle​

“Oh you’re an artist.” Sersi smiled, the warmth touching her espresso colored eyes. “Can I see?” She didn’t want to blatantly invite herself to his table, perhaps he was waiting for someone- but the way she adored art, and appreciated the craft of those who were gifted, overruled her usual politeness. 

“not professionally, but... i do enjoy it. always have.” warming instantly to her, steve gave a nod of affirmation, motioning to the chair opposite of him. “yeah, of course you can. please, take a seat and i can show you a few things.” taking his sketchbook, he flipped to a page that showcased the park, filled with the various trees and flowers. “you can flip through, if you’d like to.”

sam eats slowly as steve talks, an electric energy fizzling around his chest at how comfortable this is. and god, the way the feeling jumps to something so viscerally charged when steve winks at him, he briefly wonders if steve can feel it in the room it’s so strong. but sam brushes off the silly thought, and returns the playful ribbing.

“cute, you think you’re the only pretty face. what, i can’t cook and be pretty too?” sam bites his lip, pretending to hide a smile. “i’ll take you as my personal cheerleader any time, though.”

he does feel it, too. of course he does. steve had done all of this, aside from just wanting to hang around sam, for an actual purpose. leave it to him to get distracted and try to brush it off for as long as possible. seemed he never did learn his lesson even knowing where waiting always tended to get him. but it’s there in the room -- the charged energy, that electric feeling in the air.