write stuff here about stuff

I’m strong but I’m weak. I’ve grown but making friends or being in community is still a hard topic for me. When you made me, why did you make me feel so hard? And if you made me feel so deeply, why not have those needs be met in a loving and consistent community?

I could become a jaded man. I could become a hardened person for this. I could protect myself by developing a thick shell. I could live in a sound proof room - a bullet proof encasing. I could just not have any expectations for friendships. Yet you came to soften my heart and to see the things that make your heart cry. You came to make me meek and poor in spirit. 

If I was writing my life, I wouldn’t have written it this way.

I don’t see how the pieces fit. I never really wanted loneliness, rejection, and pain in my story. And what I thought would be my ticket, academics, didn’t align in college. I also thought I would have close friends. Some days were so hard and I’m still just a kid inside. 

But I’m not bitter or angry right now. I’m curious and broken. I’m exhausted and scared. 

I don’t see much in myself. I might be worse off emotionally than I was graduating high school. I have wounds to prove it. 

What’s next? I don’t want to live another 4 years repeating this so please bring some closure. My parents are getting older and the clock is ticking on life. 

I wish I could have a dream where we’re sitting down chatting. I need to see your meekness, love, and gentleness. Looking at words doesn’t cut it right now. 

To do lists.

Regrets.

Anticipation.

Self-doubt.

Reliving the past. 

Everything can change in an instant.

In the blink of an eye, Jesus could return. Then, all the deeds of men would become transparent. All my actions and motives will be stripped naked. My life, down to the detail, would be revealed for what it was. Did I do that thing for others? Did I do that thing to appease people? Was it really just for myself? Before God, I will be so aware of my faults. I’ll have wished I had the hindsight to go back and just have loved. This is why we should also pray for deeper faith. With great sorrow, man will be surprised that a “clean” record of fellowship and friends did not equate to a transformed life.

The whole game will change.

Now, people go about their ordinary life. I worry about grades, friends, finances , being appreciated and respected (nothing “bad” per-say). Right now, we try to maximize pleasure but in due time the only thing that will matter is whether you knew Jesus.