Ramblings of Someone

I have not missed you, for it seems that the only time(s) when i use this blog, are for when I am horribly lonely and/or sad. Three cheers for feeling horribly lonely because you don’t feel as close to any friends as you’d like, in part because of one ‘friend’ becoming horribly toxic and you shutting yourself out to new prospective friends- and, the big one, because the friend who you felt closest to- closer to than anyone else you’ve EVER met- offed herself about a year ago. and next month will be about the anniversary of the day my horrible gut wrenching paranoid suspicious were confirmed- that yes, her sudden goodbye and disappearance DID mean she was dead BECAUSE SHE KILLED HERSELF.

OH, YEAH, THERAPY??

NEED TO SCHEDULE THE NEXT APPOINTMENT STILL. BUT DOESN’T HELP WITH THE LONELINESS THAT COMES FROM FEELING SEPARATE FROM EVERYONE AFTER EXPERIENCING WHAT I’VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF- A REALLY CLOSE FRIENDSHIP. THAT IS, BTW, WHAT I’VE DREAMED OF. JUST A CLOSE FRIENDSHIP.

And idk...just....it hurts you know and I’m ornery and cranky lately and as well when people reach out who i don’t really know it feels uncomfortable and i shut off and turn into ‘funny me’- who, btw, is REALLY fucking funny sometimes- and joke about it and brush them off because i don’t feel close enough to anyone to talk about it to so i’m stuck in a circle of misery.

And idk, besides that, people who are just like....super aggressive with their friendship kind of scare me too which might be in part due to the ‘friendliness’ of the person who ended up being super toxic (like really if i try and talk to you and you tell me that i should go back to watching vids bc i prefer watching the vids to talking to you and just being constantly like that just ugh it was not fun)

but like...idk, to me friendship is a dance, and i saw that with this friend who i was close to...we started telling funny stories about spiders and joking around lightly and then just...kept joking and then started talking about our lives and likes and dislikes and it was perfect in this weird way. And while she was there a part of me was like “yes....this is what i wanted, a good friend, someone close” and i felt this complete comfort around her and she felt more comfortable around me and it was good but now it’s gone and just idk.

and no-one’s ever really ‘danced’ in that way before like my bf and i ‘danced’ and we’re dating and that’s great but i don’t feel...I don’t want to bring him down. this friend i felt was already kind of at my level of “calm, sympathetic, funny, talk-toable, and able to turn a mood around” and I was at that level but....now i’m not.

just so much has happened and now like...I forgot all i’ve learned about being able to deal with people!!!! “oh yeah shit is rough right now X, Y, Z” and before I might have been like “wow that’s rough but hey *light joke mixed with good advice” and now either I’m  like “wow that’s rugh buddy hahah how’s the weather” or like “*insert stereotypical self help book advice*” and just idk.

I want to be friends again, like joke constantly and whatnot but i don’t feel i can, I feel so separated from them, I guess.

The people I have added on the mmo that i lobby in I don’t really talk to besides my ape-friend. (his username is close to that and we talk and idk if we’re very close but he’s fun to talk to sometimes)

And my boyfriend, of course. But he’s been really late the past few days and i think it’s just cause both of our sleep cycles are off but also- really, really late, so i’m getting all insecure feeling, like “oh god what if he doesn’t like me anymore what if he’s just too nervous to say it what if he likes someone else and what if that someone else wants him to dump me” and stuff and just.

I mean, if he did stop liking me, i’d like to know, and us to remain friends and all. and honestly? if we mutually liked another girl (I’m bi/pan but i haven’t told him because insecurity and nervousness) I’d totally be fine with a thing like that. (assuming she was, too ofc.)

And that and finals are coming up and i have a therapy appointment the same day as finals and i thought i scheduled it well but finals for that class are a bit later int he day so i should be able to make it- depending on how long it takes me to finish- but it’ll be fairly close. I think I’ll leave earlier to get my bus pass filled and all.

I’m also trying to make some friends at college- and by trying, i mean hoping for- and i went to the anime club a few times. I haven’t for the past few weeks though, since i’ve been damn exhausted, and i know it’s my fault but i still feel so damn lonely.

me and my other friend- rune- haven’t talked a bunch either, but we have chatted, and that’s always nice.

I think imma go play a game of league to pass the time, get my first win of the day. (fwotd? fwod?? idk) and then maybe play more fallout3.

maybe, hopefully, this blog will end up with some comedic content, and gain some followers.

tbh, that’d be cool. just an anonymous blog to simultaneously vent and make masses of people laugh.

So yeah. As of right now, I have my boyfriend, and one other person who i consider a good friend, who I’ll refer to as Rune. I have a few other people who i’d like to consider friends, but can’t, really, since I feel as if they don’t see me as a good friend. I feel like, due to how rarely we talk, they’re more of ‘happy acquaintances’

There’s one person I used to know, we weren’t really very close. She goes to my school, now. I think i make her uncomfortable, but i’m not sure. I try and talk to her, when i run into her, but If she leaves to somewhere else, i won’t follow her or ask to. It might, of course, just be that she actually is short on time, or that she really doesn’t want to interact with me.I’m not sure which, and i don’t see her that often, so it’s not something i’m going to worry about too much.

I just really would like some friends, but i can’t just go up to people like, “hey, wanna be friends?”. (oh, i used to, hah. *After talking for a day as a kid* “friends..?” *holds out hand for handshake*) I need to get to know them, ramble to them about stuff, have them ramble to me.

What sucks, is i’m horrible at messaging first. I was lucky, as Sal wasn’t, but...well, she’s gone. And due to falling apart, mew and i don’t talk too much anymore, though we are still friends. Mew- he always said things like “oh, i don’t mind, so long as it makes oyu happy” when i asked if he wanted to do something. He once said something like “nothing really makes me happy, so i go with what makes others happy”

and I guess that hurts, too, since it made me feel like he wasn’t really enjoying our time talking, and only went along with it since i wanted to. I’d like to be friends with him, still, and i know that I guess that’s some serious depressive symptoms. (he can’t go to a doctor, but he said he’s pretty sure he has bipolar depressive disorder?? I don’t remember, exactly, it was a while ago) But still, i always feel like a bother, and i want people to enjoy their conversations with me as much as i do with them. It hurts.

I digress- I suck at messaging first. Lately, though, I’ve been trying. With a few people. I know what it’s like to suck at messaging first. But it also seems like they never message me first back. And, a facebook thumbs up reply? That’s pretty much a ‘this conversation is over’- or at least it feels like it. I know i just linked you a funny thing, but we were talking about it. I guess if we played more things together, it might be different, but I just don’t play flight rising anymore. I love me some dragons, but the play itself was...very grind-y.

I have a few of them added on facebook, as one does, and i send them links here and there, but i still feel...like i’m annoying them, i guess. I want to laugh with someone, not worry about if i’m annoying them, joke around, but i can’t really find people who i feel comfortable doing that with. I wish i could, but when i try i always feel like they just want the conversation to end. Others, who try and talk to me more, and get closer and closer to me, I often feel uncomfortable with.

One such person constantly asks me to add them on facebook. (I talk with them on a game) and i tell them that i only add people i’m close to. They really want me to add them, but hte more they push, the less i actually want to. They pushed less for a while, though i still didn’t really feel comfortable around them, but the other day they greeted me with a “did you add me on facebook yet” and the uncomfortable-ness spiked. Also, they tend to push to know more about me, in the ‘fill out this questionnaire about any and everything about you’ way. I’m not sure why, but that puts me on edge.

Another person is...quite enthusiastic about, pretty much, everything. I met that one through the same game. They can be seriously passive-aggressive sometime, and I’m not sure whether or not they realize it. They’re very affectionate, and i don’t mind e-hugs, but when they try and give me e-kisses, it makes me uncomfortable, due to me having a boyfriend. (and, well, even if i didn’t, i don’t see this person like that) He did it again after i already let him know it made me uncomfortable, but it was long enough ago that when he said he forgot i believe him. He still makes me uncomfortable, though.

Another person, who i don’t talk with anymore, was suicidal. I attempted to help them, when in a situation where i should have reported them to the proper people, but since i knew them for a short time prior to realizing it and finding it out, I attempted to just be there for them, and urge them to talk to someone close to them in real life. As that went on, at first it was just them not eating, or being able to eat. Cutting themselves. Drinking. I tried to help, we played the game together some while we talked. However, as the game itself holds very little of my interest, i often end up in the lobby. We’d ‘dance’ in the game (really just spinning in circles, it’s a common thing when you just want to talk and relax). Talking to him, though, was tiring, as he always talked about his problems. I’m often the ‘group therapist’ as i joked with some friends i had a while ago, since i was the one people went to to listen about their problems.

now, I’ll take a moment to say why i was doing better, at the beginning of knowing the suicidal person. I’ll refer to him from this point on as Jim, as i can’t think of a better name, and Jim isn’t his real name.

At the beginning of this, i did have some friends. I was still losing interest in this game, but I still got on to talk to my boyfriend, and a few others. We hung out, did treasure hunts, etc. One of my two close friends was having a hard time, but me and my other friend were there for him. We’d talk and joke and relax- when there was silence, it was comfortable. Sal, as I’ll refer to one of my two friends, and Mew as the other- mew being the one going through the hard time.

Sal and i were close- i met her through a chance of luck. She let me know early on, that sometimes she wasn’t in the mood to talk, and I felt okay with that, since as she explained, it felt as if she put to words a piece of myself i could never quite vocalize. We grew close, or what i believe was close. She was, probably, my best friend. I introduced mew to her, and the three of us were friends. I had found a group of people who i felt fully comfortable with. Things were good.

Then, one day, mid-late january, Sal messaged me, had me ‘test’ a treasure hunt. In it was her accumulated game-wealth. ‘thank you for everything, goodbye’- and she was gone. A part of me knew, but ‘knew’ it couldn’t be true. I hadn’t seen one of the signs. I messaged her on another game, and i got a reply. I thought she was just quitting the game, maybe. “this goodbye is, regrettably, permanent”. She game me her account details. A part of me still knew. Or dreaded it, i suppose. A month later, the account logged back on, and i thought it was Sal- however, it was one of her friends. Her friend told me that she wasn’t sure how much she could say, and i told them i just wanted to know if Sal was okay. It was then that this friend informed me of Sal having killed herself. I always said, before, how i couldn’t cry. Or could only cry at cartoons. I cried harder, then, then i ever have. Typing this, almost a full year later, still hurts. I informed mew- he didn’t take it well. We stopped talking, mostly. We still...talk. somewhat.

Back to ‘jim’. Obviously, after this news, I was not in the mood to talk to most people for a while. The only one i talked to was my boyfriend, as we do a roleplay thing, and it provided the perfect escape. That as well as him being a sympathetic ear, he was the only one outside of the family i live with that i spoke to. I did...talk to jim, to an extent. Not much- he messaged me, as was normal. However, as he had done before, he started getting...pissy. He complained how he always messaged me, and how i never messaged him. He had done this before I lost sal, but then, being in a better place mentally, i could endure it. It wasn’t as draining. It still bugged the fuck out of me, but i could deal. I barely talked to him. He enjoyed hugs, so i gave them, tried to make him feel better.

He, however, kept saying things. Like telling me i didn’t really care. that he should just end it. that i didn’t really want to talk to him. When i tried. Talking about music, or games, or anything, he said “just go back to watching your videos, i know you don’t really want to talk to me”

Before, i was joking about giving him a stuffed tiger i owned. He latched onto that, and often told me ways i could mail it to him. It made me uncomfortable, and he often said things like “you didn’t lie about it, did you?” He said other things that made me uncomfortable, too. Two times, i said if he didn’t stop being so passive aggressive, i’d stop talking to him. The third time, i did. I told him that i hoped he got better, i added him to my ignore, and that was that. One of the other times, he came into my clan chat and said something to my clan.

Something else that bothered me, was that he’d often get into accidents. He kept saying that he got drunk and was in the hospital. Once, it was four times within a two week period. He always got out the same day. I...really don’t believe he was telling the truth, and that made me wonder how much of anything he said was the truth.

Luckily, i saw him after that, just in-game. I didn’t react to him, but a part of me is glad he’s okay.