I decided to write about it.

It's been months, again, since I last saw you, since I left for work and just never came back, to you and your apartment, to what used to be my favourite place. I gave it all that I could, but we just couldn't keep up with one another. I became someone else and you stayed the same

it's about you, still I don't know how, but you are the softness  to all the edges in me when it comes to you, there are lights it's all alive

Smoke your smell was my favourite your pale body a universe I never got tired of discovering scars and freckles, planets and their moons hands orbiting bodies you were mercury and I, neptune I thought this is it white lines and stars exploding we laid so close you told me about the sun when I realised I wasn't yours

Sometimes, I imagine seeing you, running into you in the street, saying sorry before realising it is you, how I would awkwardly say hi, probably blush and all that. You would be surprised, say my name the way you used to, make my heart pick up it’s pace. We would talk, you would pretend all is fine and that you are doing just great, talk about some big plans, as if I don’t see right through you, as if I wouldn’t notice the runny nose and gum chewing, the blank eyes and your restless hands.  I miss those hands. I would know and you would too, I would try not to ask about it but you would see it on my face, making lame jokes as if to assure me you’re fine, even though you are not, even though we both know you haven’t been for a while. I would pretend with you, too scared to do otherwise, I would just wanna stay there a bit longer, hear you say my name just one more time. You would ask me how I’m doing, I would tell you about my travels, about how small Cape town looks from table mountain, about the dirt in Durban, how freedom feels when you’re running along the coastal walk in Bondi, about how you would love Byron bay, I would tell you about how we almost bought weed from this weird guy in a corner in Bangkok, about the parties on the islands that I don’t even remember. You would laugh and say something like ”cool” before a mutual silence, because you are still the same, I still know you way more than you would ever admit and I know that nothing has changed, and you would know that I have, that something has shifted, this would scare you. You would look at your phone and tell me you have to go, I would want a hug, the hug I didn’t get, the one I really needed that time, you would probably not give it this time either. I would say goodbye and you would say ”see you”, cause’ you’ve never been good at goodbyes and even though it’s over, that it’s been over for a while now, you will probably always pretend it’s not when we see each other, running into one another in the streets, I would let you, I will probably always look for you at the places we used to be. But the most important thing is that I would go, and even though I'd might turn around, only to see if you would do the same, I would keep walking.

I told you, about the space Our hands in the pocket of my winterjacket Suddenly there was none left December days and nights in your bed, I used to draw invisible circles and eights on your skin

It’s insipid, but your bed was the best and your body, my favourite one I still know you by heart

After we broke up they told me to point to where it hurt I pointed to every end of me from my toes to my fingers to my head they did not understand and I could not explain how it felt how the pain moved in when you moved out  my body, an empty home I had not loved anyone before you

I have learned that self care is not bath bombs or manicures new shoes or lace lingerie it’s deleting his number and not answering his calls it’s to stop running to him when he asks you to because he forgot how to function without you when he’s high and your name is the only one he can think of it is to give back the shirt he gave you, the one you’ve been sleeping in ever since, because it smells of him and that first night you met it’s to stop trying to be everything to someone who doesn’t care to hold you when you really really need it, and you have held him through countless highs and nights it is to realise how it doesn’t matter how much or how hard you try, he will never do the same for you and to realise that he is not your responsibility and when you’re drunk and it’s 2 am and you worry and miss him like crazy, it’s self care to let your friends carry you home and tell you how you deserve more than someone who doesn’t even call you on your birthday, that you deserve someone who (perhaps not moves mountains but who) tells you how fucking great you are because you really are and it is self care to know that, to love what is you despite how he made you feel, to realise you are worth every goddamn good thing in the world and that when it comes to you, he is not it

What we were has become scars in my brain memories sewn into flesh your words and you are a ghost haunting my mind when I think of nothing I always think of you

The first time we met you told me you were tired, I told you I was too 1.57 am and I got on the last train only to sit next to you for the first time you had been travelling for eight hours straight to see me and suddenly you were there you took me home that night, holding my hand the entire walk home I haven’t been able to think of anyone else but you ever since

You were so many of my firsts, I'm never as nostalgic as when it comes to you I still dream of you sometimes but waking up alone doesn't hurt so bad anymore and I think this is what it feels like  falling out of love

How are you supposed to get over someone who left so abruptly. Who promised you the world. Someone who promised to always be around

I'm leaving again, I'm going places you've talked about but will never see, I have left you before but never like this, this time I won't miss you like I used to this time, it's not about you

I have never had the guts to tell you I love you not even when I was drunk even though I think sometimes I might have

the smell of your three dollar soap has been the smell of home for years now I want to cry when I think of us now in between drunken kisses with strangers and hot shots on saturday nights I don’t know what to do without you I wish you weren’t all that is home

I wish I had marked you a love bite on your left shoulder the shape of a heart so others will know I was there  and that you will never again be who you were before me you once called me and told me you loved me

it no longer hurts like it used to I am all that is left that is all I need