Thats Your Highness To You

I hope you realize all that I’ve done and do for you constantly. I hope you remember that after you toss me aside once you’re done with me.

How do you cope when you know the one you love is just going to leave you? I wish I didn’t know, I feel like it’s easier to not know and then in the moment it’s like wow! But just knowing makes it much worse. And you think and wonder why you won’t end it first...but you know you can’t hurt the one you love. I’ll keep playing the part even though it kills me everyday. I just know I am making him happy right now. After all I’m just a pawn in someone else’s game. I should really get used to being used....

I just want to leave. This life, this body, everything. Charlie doesn’t understand me, he’s going to leave me and I know it. I’m fully aware. It was a great run, had lots of fun. But we aren’t serious, it isn’t going to be any more serious than it is now. It never has never will be. I love him, truely and honestly I would do absolutely anything for him...but sadly I don’t think I can say that for him. Am I just a pawn for him to use, who knows. I’m used to being pawns in people’s games. Why do I always cling to people that I know will leave me in the end? I should keep myself guarded and protected but I just cannot live without another person in my life. I hate relying on people to make me feel something. I hate relying because people disappoint constantly. I honestly have no support system in my life. I wish I could say Charlie is one of them but even if I give him a glimpse of my mental illness...he acts like I’m crazy. Or he at least looks like I’m crazy. I wish I could tell him every thought, feeling, but I can’t. I’m afraid he’ll leave me faster than he will. I feel trapped in my own mind. Trapped in an endless cycle of losing.