It all began with watching a documentary called Wartorn. This documentary showed the impact PTSD had on American soldiers. I sat and watched and kept feeling like I get this, this is how I feel. Then I would say I am not a hero or a warrior. I have not fought for anything in my life, really. Soldiers would describe this need to isolate and feeling like they did not belong or no one understood them. I kept thinking YES, this is me. How a simple shopping trip in the grocery store presented the possibility of having to face people I knew in a difficult time. I didn't realize I was on auto-pilot keeping my head down letting fear of embarrassment grip me. I would leave the store light-headed and walk out without my change.
 People have always said I am detached. I am either very aware of what might be going on, or missing anything that really is going on around me. I do not absorb facts; I learn only through repetition. My brain has acted in survival mode since I was at least twelve. I thought I hid my anxiety pretty well. I tried to combat it with exercise and a six-pack here and there.
 I kept researching about childhood trauma and it’s long-term effects on health, behavior, and emotional wellbeing. That is when I found the ACE study. My score is high it terms of the types of toxic stress I was exposed to. I have been trying to understand why my brain works in the way that it does. I never knew why I had no impulse control, why people would categorize me as out of touch, or in my own world.  I have begun compassion training and different mindful methods that have decreased my anxiety and increased happiness. I notice things in my environment that I would have overlooked before. I anticipate other people’s needs and am able to connect more.
 This has changed my entire life.
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