A Blinding Call To Prayer

Because your friends don’t show up

To the big things.

Life is what happens between cancellations

Caused by fame sicknesses and

A poor case of FOMO.

99% of living is getting bailed on

By your god

By your lawmakers

By your parents

when I see a friend suffering and

all I want to do is help.

I just want to tell them that

I appreciate their existence,

but I can’t

because I am afraid they will think

I am not being genuine

or speaking my true thoughts.

I have never really felt listened to.

Oh you fucking wish you could.

You want to so fucking bad.

I can see it in you

and it makes your skin crawl.

You want to pin me down on your bed on a dark evening

and try things you've only ever wished you could,

but weren't allowed to try.

You want to bite my neck

and leave purple marks on my skin

in secret places.

You'll love how my short hair is easier to pull

to bring all of me with it.

You can be as rough,

and as brash,

and as loud

as you want to be.

You already resent me,

because I'm the one that's

put you in this position.

Told you I love you.

Tell you I love you.

Still. Constantly.

Gazing upon you with wonder in my eyes, with a flutter in my chest;

true emotion,

that I've thrust upon you,

begging you to accept,

and gotten to know you

completely.

We ALWAYS knew it was coming.

And you want to so fucking bad.

You wanna fuck me, that's okay.

Let's do it.

Let's make it the dirtiest fucking thing you've ever seen.

We can beat the fuck out of

each other, I don't care!

Because, maybe if we scratch and bite in one area of our relationship,

we'll stop kicking and screaming

she and her, but I do too.

When it's hard to find where I'd be in my brain,

depersonalization gives more meaning to my tattoo.

A part of me wishes you styled with different effort,

because that part of me dreamed of being a person of extremes.

I used to be the slut to smirk

when I kissed a girl after I got a new piercing.

I'm grateful you have meat on your bones and hair on your face.

I tell you I love with confidence that scares me,

the last person I said that to

didn't seem to care for me.

Of course there's pros and cons to everyone.

The ones in you I've never seen before.

My Ramona, that watches out for the holes in me,

I can’t decide what love is

I’ve gotten it from weird places

And given it to strange people

But I still don’t understand it.

I’m sitting here

alone at night with four clocks ticking above me and it’s midnight.

Somehow it’s still lighter outside than in here.

A lot of things are brighter than what’s in here.

Though I can’t decide how bright the inside of me is.

Some minutes throughout the day

I wish I was dead so badly that I smile at the thought of never having existed.

I look at the backward moving clock like it’s gonna give me answers

and wish I had never gone anywhere or done anything.

But then sometimes, like last night, I have dreams where it’s only me and you.

The sun in your smile sheds some light on my hopeless insides

but there are still things brighter than what’s inside here.

I think love is just to choose it.

To look at the flaws in something bright,

to see through the misunderstanding you created,

to share your shine back with the one who loves you.

I LOVE YOU.

I love the hopelessness that trapped me until you laughed so loud it got scared away.

I love the anxiety that kept me from leaving too soon, because I would’ve never seen you if you hadn’t picked my favorite bad guy to stand next to one day.

I love the dark clouds that follow me around because the warmth in your embrace convinces them to hold off a little while.

I’ll never know what love is.