Desideratum

I don’t know why things show up when you don’t need them to. You know what? It’s like they are purposefully showing up just to hurt you, just to show you what you lack, just to show you how little your worth is. I started to take my attention away by not checking if there are any updates. But whenever I read or look at something, names of people that I don’t wanna be involved with just keep on showing up. It sucks that this morning, I’ve been reading this Nietzsche article for my philosophy class and your name shows up I MEAN IT SHOULDN’T BE THERE. Why can’t you just leave me be? Why won’t you let me have a quiet life? Why do you show these little signs whenever I start thinking that everything’s okay?

I’ve been feeling a little down lately; a little more than what I’m used to. And I hate it. I hate it so much that it pisses me off whenever I see something that might trigger that emptiness, that nothingness. 

First of all, why do I find myself to be an ugly human person? I ridicule myself. I ridicule what I look like. And I hate myself when I do that, because I know that I shouldn’t. Someone told me that maybe, just maybe, I start putting myself down because of my past relationships. The way that they leave me alone, they always and will always make me feel worthless. I’m guessing that those were the triggers I used to promote my twisted mentality about myself. But there are times that it wasn’t even about that, there are times when I just look at myself and critique all my flaws. Sometimes I just want someone to tell me I’m beautiful and that I would accept it with all my heart and soul. I mean, some people do call me beautiful but my mind just won’t let me accept the compliments.

Second, why do people leave me and then either find someone who is better than me in so many levels or just compare me to their past experiences? I’m sick of this bullshit. I know I’m not the best person there is but I think I still have the right to be treated as someone that is precious. Am I that easy to forget? Haven’t I showed you people how much I love you? Or like you at least? I gave you all the efforts that I can so why are you always leaving me? Am I bound to be alone? Is this what God has written for me? I sometimes think that my self esteem issues are things that I brought upon to myself but now, I think that the biggest factor affecting it is how people toss me aside like I’m this small piece of trash. 

Hello I'm sorry I wasn't able to visit tumblr for a very looooooooooooong period of time. So thanks for your question!

Hey, it's good to be back. It's the most awaited holiday and I should be happy but nahh, I got a very sad confirmation; that no one would be sure about me, no one would be sure about not letting me go.

I know I'm a bitchass and I have a bitchass attitude. I often have mood swings but I know everybody does, right? I just want to clear things up. I don't understand myself either. I don't and can't understand why I have sudden outbursts about things and sadly, I direct all the bad aura to other people. That "people" being my boy friend.

He just said one of the saddest things ever, that he doesn't want to meet my parents for a get-to-know session because he wants me to fix myself up. I told him that I'm so sure about him that I want them to know him better. And you know what he told me? That I should stop being moody (ahhh, i understand this part), and that there's this something in him that stops him from devoting 100% of his self to me. You get what that means right?

That he's not so sure if this thing would last so he still doesn't want to meet my parents. Well, that's the only implication that I can get from his statement.

I got myself  an ultimatum.

hi there, stupid.

hey, hades.

I'd like to tell you that you make me giddy every time i think about you. i hope we would get closer to each other. i mean, i'd like to spend more time with you. tho i know that you like somebody else, and that someone is waaaaay too high above me, i still hope that things will get better. being friends with you would be enough. no scratch that, it may be or may not be enough for me. who knows? but the only thing that i want to happen right now is to get to know you better.

it's just that you have the qualities and talents that i adore. and it isn't easy to hide my giddy feelings when i'm around you. thank god for supportive and helpful friends. lol kidding. just please stop being so attractive. and being so hot. hahahaha 

yours truly,

To the best man ever, thank you for keeping up with all my requests. Thank you for the life you provided me. I don't know what to say, you've been with me through everything. You allowed me to do things that I wanted to do. You trusted every word that I have said. But to be honest, not all of them are true. I'm sorry if I'm not able to keep up with you. I'm sorry if I'm not the best daughter you could have. Don't worry, I always try to make up for all the broken promises I made. Thank you for letting me take up this degree in a very expensive school. Really, thank you for that. I think that would be the greatest sacrifice you ever did for me. You started working just to earn extra money. You're already 61 and I know that it's hard, but your efforts always surprise me. I would never be this fortunate if you are not my father. 

Daddy, my dearest daddy, don't ever ever ever forget that I won't ever ever ever leave you. Please let go of your fear that I would abandon you in the near future because I will never ever ever do that. Time is running fast and I know that I have to show you all my affection; and I will. I love you forever and ever, dad. I may not be sweet and clingy but I still tell you how much I love you. I miss you so much. Please take care of yourself because you work in a place that is far away from home. And again, I love you so much. 

your daughter,

Dear person I hate,

Dear person I like,

Dear ex boyfriend,

Dear ex girlfriend,

Dear ex bestfriend,

Dear bestfriend,

Dear Santa,

Dear Mom,

Dear Dad,

Dear future me,

Dear past me,

Dear person I’m jealous of,

Dear person I had a crush on,

Dear [future] girlfriend,

Dear [future] boyfriend,