aaya’s mind

This is the journal of my sick heart. The heart that falls in love way too easily. Will it be ever healed? Can it even be healed? This sick heart of mine just longs for another. Its sickness is loneliness.

This is the journal of my helpless soul. The soul that will look for its second half forever and ever. Is there a chance for her? For them? Will there ever be a time to meet? The soul has lost herself in this never ending search.

This is a journal of my broken mind. The mind that sees only the worst. Will it sometime see the beautiful? Did it ever see the other side of things? The mind has been blinded by all the bad that it stopped seeing the good.

“You cannot fall in love whatever happens.” I tell myself as I step into what could be the biggest mistake of my life.

Nobody ever looked at me like that, nobody ever told me things like that. And the chemistry…! Could this connection be what people call soulmates or even twin flame?

I cannot jump into conclusions. I cannot overthink this. “Leave it, go with the flow, it is what it is.” I repeat to myself.

I just heard a saying. “Love is the death of peace of mind.” I think I’m gonna stand by that.

You cannot lose control again. You cannot let go of the chains that hold you together. It would be a tragedy otherwise. You are still not whole and I don’t think you’ll ever be.

This first feeling is nice, but you know very well it won’t last forever. So hold the chains tight, like your life depends on them. You build this defense yourself so don’t let anyone break it.

You can act like you belong to them, like they have power over you, but you know very well it’s just an act. So do your best and when it’s time to let go just let go. You won’t break because they didn’t and they’ll never have the power over you.

Day by day make your chain defense tighter and denser around your heart. It will be lonely but you can do it. I trust you.

I was such a fool. I still am such a fool. I feel so pathetic, thinking that the one I left for his emotional unstability had changed. That he was going to be different.

I think I hate when someone changes without me. I don’t want anyone to change for or because of me. But I want to help people become better themselves. I know, I am selfish.

I’m grateful. To all my closest. To you.

To all my closest. Thank you for standing by my side. Thank you for support. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for not giving up on me. I know it’s not easy with me.

They broke me. They broke my mind. All of them. All of the ones before you.

I have this feelings. That you don’t like me as much as you tell me. That I’m annoying you every time I talk to you.

I know these feelings are just fabricated by me. By my broken mind. But I can’t seem to lose them. It’s exhausting, you know?

Can I tell you this? Won’t you despise me after this? Can I be honest with you? Can I trust you? I want to trust you. You’re different. You are special to me.

Can you change my broken thoughts? Can you fix my broken mind?

I feel ugly like this. Like I don’t deserve you. I feel like running away. But you’re holding me with an invisible ribbon. I can’t run away.

I must heal. And you are my remedy.

Did you know, that love is chemical process in your brain? You can compare it to the addiction on cocain for example.

The more you take, the more you want. And that's exactly what I feel for you. The more I see you, the more I want to be with you.

You are my addiction, babe. But you know what? I will be strong. I won't let you destroy me like the others did.

I must admit. I was blind. I was confused. Everything till this moment wasn't love. Maybe something close to it but not exactly love.

I knew the moment I met him it was it. And it wasn't even long date. It was just one drink. But it was so wholesome.

My mind. My mind is a warzone. A battlefield. It is a chaos in there. It is scary.

You know what? You are a coward. You let your parents plan your whole life, make choices for you, tell you what to do. I`m not even surprised. World is full of cowards.

I can't stand this. These constant changes. This constant overthinking. This never ending anxiety.

This constant feeling of whorthlessness. Like I am nothing for you, just another body.

But.

When you bump into the same kind of people over and over again; people who seems so nice at first, but they leave when they get what they wanted; u start to question if you should trust people.

I have this feeling again. Feeling that I just want to disappear. I'm curious how many people would miss me.

I've been thrown off balance. Again.

Maybe the universe is telling me something, when it comes to him. I kinda can feel it telling to focus on myself first.