Aasma Kamran 💫

Whenever I needed you, truly and completely, you were not there & even if you were, I felt misunderstood. You have wronged me in ways I cannot tell & that, my love, breaks my heart a million times over.

I freaking hate goodbyes. That's it. I cannot explain that empty feeling. Please don't ask why I'm crying if you cannot figure this out on your own. I love places & people. I am not a leaver. I invest myself too much while knowing it will hurt in the end. But I do it anyway. I guess this is the way I am & always will be.

Maybe I'm too much for people. Maybe it's in the way I connect or how I pour my heart out every damn time that I end up hurting myself by setting certain expectations. Maybe it is because I feel too much & give too much. Maybe I must let them do their thing and love them from afar without complaining.

Does it feel good to make me feel unwanted? You do know I feel upset, right? Just please stop. It's already hard not being kissed by you at random moments. Don't make it harder for me by NOT expressing what you feel.

I have a big heart, but it is sensitive. If you raise your voice on me or say something that triggers sadness, I'll be distant from you. I'll pretend I'm doing okay, but I'll be crying myself to sleep. When you act differently than usual, I'll keep bothering you, pick fights with you, argue over silly things just to get your attention.

What do you do when your favorite people start acting a little edgy? How do you tell them you do not like their energy at that moment & they appear far from your approach even when they're physically next to you? Who do you turn to when you feel they won't accept there's something off about how they are behaving?

If someday, you finally gather the strength to ask how am I doing? I'll tell you I feel sad. I feel unloved & worthless if you are not around or when we are not talking. I might cry a bit, but I will certainly make it visible that I see happy couples all around me, and I am not someone who is jealous or ungrateful; I just feel deprived sometimes. I hope one day when I tell you this, you hold me in your arms, plant a kiss on my forehead, and say, 'I'm sorry for making you feel that way. Let me love you all over again & this time, I'll do right by you."

Somedays, I look at you & wonder, will you ever be able to truly understand what I am going through? I observe how your eyes are constantly in search of something mesmerizing. I wonder if I look that appealing to you? Now that some years have passed and you have seen me vulnerable, and at my worst, does my voice sound like poetry to you? Does my smile still make you want to stare at me for several moments? Do you still want to catch my attention while I am busy doing my thing? I guess I will never be able to ask you. I have stopped asking questions.