Im Already Gone

I've been in a weird funk lately. Little ball of everything: financial responsibilities, romantic hopelessness, and the crushing realization that I'm not as interesting as I used to be. At least, i had more to say once upon a time. Now I have trouble making small talk to the person sitting next to me at the bar. Part of me wondered if it was a confidence problem. So I slept with a few people to see if it would get my boost up again. Actually did the opposite cause now I occasionally have trouble performing in the bedroom. As if I didnt need that weighing in on my insecurities on top of being flabby, short, ugly and uninteresting. I've been having a bit of trouble seeing the upside in life. I'm at the beach with beautiful 90 degree sun in my face and I still want to cry. Theres people I miss who I shouldn't, and theres people I should miss but dont. I finally swallowed my pride and apologized to the boyfriend of my ex girlfriend that I was fooling around with. I dont think it made things any better. I'm no longer the groomsman of my buddy's wedding due to him and his girlfriend splitting. I always used to admire their relationship and the solid foundation it seemed to have but I guess that was just a show. My head is still stuck on a girl. Well 3 in particular that all ended up with the cliche dumped story. I don't know why I torture myself like that. I think its cause I enjoy causing myself pain then viewing myself from a 3rd person point of view as someone who is different and trying to understand their pain. I dont want a cry for attention or anything, but it would feel so nice for someone to acknowledge my grief. I'm tired of smiling when I just feel like punching a wall and crying. I'd like to talk to someone about it, but everyone is caught up in their own problems, and part of me doesnt want to bother them. Part of me also feels like nobody gives a shit, and people only want to interact with me cause I sell weed. Which is fine and all, but I kind of missed the days people hit me up just to talk or goof around or whatever, rather than just pop by for their weed and leave after 5 minutes of small talk.