a big b with a big itch

trigger warning: suicidal thoughts

it's so easy to do the things you don't want to do but have to when life feels so sure it's going to turn out good.

i just got an email saying i'm qualified and ready to start training and i feel so much better now. i don't want to die anymore knowing i have something to look forward to.

after reading that email, i was up and running. i didn't feel like wasting my days sleeping the hours away. i wanted to go out. play with the dogs. walk around. dress up. do the things i need to get done, even if i don't want to, but it felt good getting them done knowing my mind was at a better place.

the notion of staying alive was hard to digest even when i have so many people around me who support me and show up for me but just knowing that it gets better after months of sitting in anxiety is just the breath of clarity that i needed.

i'm so grateful for the experiences that have brought me to this point but i don't want to get into the headspace of wanting to kill myself again. i know there's so much to live for, so many people who look up to me, so many things waiting for me, but it gets hard just trying to live when you know it would be so much easier without this weight on my back making me feel uneasy of what is to come.

i should be happy of the multiple possibilities that i am capable of but the thought of not having security is what scared me the most these past weeks and i don't want to feel scared like that ever again.

what's pissing me off is that i don't think i understand that. i'm getting angry over something that should well be in my control. i'm here all over again making the same mistake of driving less than an hour to his place, another hour to where we (he?) wanted to be, and back. that's four hours used for driving. all of that effort and this was just for fun? this can't be.

i don't know why i'm so angry when i literally signed up for this. i consented to it. i allowed for this to happen. maybe i was expecting a kindness in return. for all the effort i tried to make up for myself. wasting away what parts i have for another rich man when he already has everything. trying to impress him when clearly he's not one to be easily swayed. "when there's chemistry", but i don't think there is.

now im so depressed im sleeping my rest days away. i should be seeing other people but they dont hold a candle to how wild we both were for each other that night. how are actions were spoken in whispers but made waves in how hard and rough we ended up. youve ruined hooking up for me because everyone who wants me now is just dust compared to your statuesque figure.

i dont want to go back to being a stalker again. not when ive been threatened to be taken to the police. although i liked the thrill of being a harmless criminal, that wasnt very a good feeling to have felt. i know where you live and i know how to get there, but i want to be invited again. was i wrong to have asked to see you again? i do admit i did ask kindly. "can i see you again tonight?" only to wake up at 10pm and notice our conversation gone. that broke me into silence after my mind was in chaos wondering how youd respond. i admit that was a shitty thing to do to me after treating me like the doll i was. but granted, im grateful you didnt block my number. i can still your body when i hit search.

ive decided i dont want to see you anymore online if you dont want to see me physically. ive blocked you on instagram as i found myself going back to your page. thats where i found out youre fucking 33 years old while im 24. that itself was maybe a red flag because how are you 3 decades and 3 years old but still not in a stable relationship, partaking in hookup culture, and focusing on building your body? oh. your body. your body. your body. how it held me and how much you sweated trying to please the both of us. fuck, was i too wild? how can i know i didnt do anything wrong if you deleted our whole conversation? was asking to see you again the wrong thing? you responded to the previous messages i sent you but that was the last straw for you? was that really a one time thing for us? after making sure i did everything right that night? i thought id made a good impression but fuck was i sorely mistaken.