Daily Life Transactions

Here I am alone with a headache that makes me want to bang my head into something. Here I am feeling this void in my heart, I don’t know what created it nor what it meant but it’s just there, knocking hard I couldn’t turn a blind eye to it.

I don’t know which is more scary leaving this place and regretting it or staying and regret staying.

I promised myself I would tell them the truth this month, but everyday, everytime I can’t find the right way or time to say it. Such a coward.

Actually I have more fears about this. First one is how would they react, I want them to support me on this but I kinda scared they’ll just say yes. It’s like telling me “thank God you bid goodbye first we kinda don’t have the guts to kick you out.”

Second one is what will happen if I did leave. What if my dream of moving out is only a dream. That there’s nothing waiting for me after this. That leaving a place I hated the most is the only place I’m going to and people will laugh at me, thinking there is a better place when I’m already in the best place and after this nothing more.

I keep looking for answers to my fears and questions. I turn to books, post and random ramblings of people but I can’t still find it. I can’t makes sense to what people are telling me. Can’t process a supposedly life lessons to bring with me everyday. Am I too stubborn or they just really don’t make sense? Am I blind to the truths of the world they keep throwing at me or there’s really something about this gut feeling of mine that keeps me pushing this plan?

I badly wanted to cry to someone about this but don’t have the courage to do so. I saw so many opportunities but can’t do it when I’m already at the spot.

I just wanted to cry.

I just want this head ache to go away.

I’m so scared.

Scared to fail myself

fail again

I’m so scared I’m doing everything wrong.

Scared I’m doing the opposite of the planned.

Well, you know I have this big ol’ plan to change my life next year. I have a very simple plan; save everything you can save to execute the plan fine. I plan to save every penny I can save to cover all expenses I will need to pay for this life change, I even calculated how much money I should save monthly and how many things I can splurge on (only things that will use also in the future).

This plan isn’t new. My friends are tired hearing this plan from me. Every year I say “No, totally this year I will fucking do it.” But, heck no, still in the same old place.

 I have tons of questions in my head everyday about this, “Am I doing this right?” “Is it the best plan?” “Should I really do this?” “Should I let myself throw every nice thing I have now, just to work from the start again?”. These are just the few questions I am bothered by, everyday. Question I answer with, “Take one day at a time and work hard for your goal.”

 BUT, how to accept this answer when it seems things around you is forcing you to do the opposite. Here’s a picture for you, remember I said that I NEED TO SAVE EVERY FUCKING PENNY I HAVE? Here’s a thing, I am sick, nothing to worry about simple body fucks up, need a fucking expensive doctor and medicines. You get the idea. Well, I’ve been sick for fucking two weeks and I already spent my entire monthly allowance for my meds and I need to buy few more. I was absent at work for three days because I was dead, and now my next allowance will also be short. Now, money spent I have to find ways to cover this month allowance to survive. The only way to do that? Borrow money. HOW CAN YOU FUCKING SAVE IF YOU ARE IN DEBT. I mean I ain’t borrowing millions of money but, every fucking penny counts when you are trying to save. 

I’m just starting, only one part of the scenario and this is already falling apart.