La Vie est Belle

Not a day goes by where I don't think about you- if you're happy, if you've made friends, how your work is going, if you've eaten well throughout the day.

I went back home in May and I, too, felt those emotions you expressed. From restaurants we used to frequent, to the park where we would sometimes lay out in, to places where we broke each others hearts. My home is littered with thoughts of you and frankly I can't get enough.

It's taken every single part of my being to not text you or call you. How I've missed you. I want to communicate with you, but I feel like it will bring us to a zone we probably shouldn't venture towards. I still love you the way I did when you left me. And unfortunately I know you still have the same feelings towards me as you did when you left me.

There's no pain greater in my life than seeing the person I've loved more than anyone in pain and being completely silent. You deserve love, happiness, comfort, and peace. We all do, but you more than anyone.

I want you to be happy. I still want to be a part of your happiness. But rationally, I know this is unlikely to manifest. But again, if you ever want to talk you know how to find me. No matter how painful, I'm always a couple clicks away.

You've missed so much in my life. And I'm sure I've missed a lot in yours. There have been countless times where I've spoken to the specter of you, silently hoping that you'd respond in some way. The dreams of you, they bring me to a great place in my sleep. But the nightmares, took me into that dark place you know of...

I was watching a TV show a couple nights ago. They had a wedding scene and it was lovely and touching. Heart-wrenching for me because my mind still cannot process a wedding of mine in which you aren't the bride. I had promised you forever but it didn't come to be. My love, my feelings remain the same for you. Such a pain to not be able to act out on them. 

I've moved on. But how much can you move on when emotionally you're stuck in quicksand? 

I'm happy. But with a hole in my heart that can't be filled with random encounters or friends or alcohol or mind-numbing activities.

I love you, my love. And I'll always want you. But I have to be aware of the actual situation that we are in.

I hope your future is bright. I hope your future brings about love and peace. Even if I am not a physical part of it I hope that it can be a joyful future that you deserve. I hope the trip back home helped you even if it did bring emotions that involved us. Being surrounded by family and friends hopefully made your days brighter and your heart warmer.

I pray to God every day that you're moving towards peace. I pray to God for the both of us. I love you. I always will.

I regret the last post I left for you. I was in a place of extreme emotion and had unclear thoughts. Fleeting words would’ve been more forgiving than the permanence of [virtual] print. 

I do not hate to see your face, and I should’ve better interpreted your words, as I know you very well. It can simply be challenging to pretend I am not interested in what is happening in your life. I cannot pretend I don’t seek your posts (which I mistakingly comment on from time to time, I’m sorry), and act like seeing your photos (both tagged and posted) is much like seeing all that pollutes my timeline. You were a very big part of my life for many years, and it’s been hard to let it go.

I don’t mean “let it go” in the sense that you don’t matter anymore. You do. You are very large part of who I am, I have a connection with you that is unquestionable, and you will forever have a place in my heart. And I, of course, care for you. You just shouldn’t be an active part of my life anymore. You shouldn’t be an active component of my thoughts and actions. 

But that is on me. I am not asking you to alter how you live, I just need to become better at moving on. I have coped in all the wrong ways and need to push for growth, positive responses. 

You, please excuse the delayed response. I hope all is well.

I hope we one day reach a point where catching up over coffee (tea) (lunch) (donuts) (ice cream) wouldn’t hurt, wouldn’t provoke negative thoughts, wouldn’t raise a longing.

It pains to hear of how you coped, but I am happy to hear you are on a path to being entirely whole, to being truly well. 

Be well, be content, be love,

- Jose Martí

You were never cruel. Never, ever cruel. An ill thought of you has never grown in my mind nor has an ill whisper ever escaped my lips. I maintain you on the highest level I could imagine- a person of grace, love, utmost respect, divine, and beautiful. 

Your face troubles me not anymore. For it is a reminder of times, many good and many bad. It is a reminder of me. Of who I am, where I am, what I am. 

I honestly used to wish that you would not be happy because the pain of your departure left me with an agony I cannot begin to recognize. I did dip into the darkest places in my mind over the past 5 months. I had the suicidal thoughts and nightmares; the sins of sloth, lust, gluttony, and envy; the desire to self-medicate; and the urge to seek psychological help. I never spoke to my family about it. Rarely my friends. It harbored inside of me.

But no more.

I pray for you. Every day. I dream of you. Every week. I think of you. Every minute. 

My letter, and I hope it is understood in the manner I wanted it to, is a letter of sincere gratitude and appreciation. You told me I deserved better and I am in a place where I’m getting there. I’ve never been one for words but I honestly do hope that you understand how much I appreciate what we had and what came of it. Do I wish it went a different way? I would be foolish to say no. 

But things have a way of happening and I would never want you to apologize for doing right for yourself. It was clear that it was something that needed to be done. 

In my nightly prayers I pray for the protection of all those in my life. I pray for you to be happy (something I wished against before), for you to be at peace, and for you to be well. Very, very little troubles me more than your pain and if I had a genie I would wish for you to be at peace. 

Just remember, I am always with you in spirit and in love. We have a connection that can never be broken no matter where we are in our lives. 

I wish nothing but the best for you. That is all I ask for. 

I have loved you for years, and I will love you forever in one way or another. 

This past year, has been excruciating. How does one actually cry for over 15 months? It feels like a lifetime.

A lifetime of troubled thoughts and an aching heart. A lifetime of pure loneliness, despite the ocean of faces on the not-so-far horizon. A lifetime of blurred vision caused by a flood of guilt-ridden tears. 

I broke your heart, I know, I am sorry, but I’ve been breaking my own for a lifetime. I cannot continue to apologize for trying to alleviate my breaking heart. I cannot continue to feel the paralyzing guilt that comes with destroying the spirit of someone you love for the sake of living in your truth. For the sake of saving you from the imminent drawn-out demise. But I am sorry. I continue to feel it all, and I am sorry. 

But Cruel? You call me Cruel? Did you mean to jab at my well being with your words? Did you mean to undo the mending that took months of suppression and active positivity?

No, you meant well...I know. I do not resent you for your feelings, for your honesty.

I, too, hate to see your face. I, too, hate to see you smile. But I love to see you’re well. I love to see that I did not truly break you, that you did not lose yourself in the darkest spaces of your mind. I love to see all the positive that life has brought you. I love to see the amazing things and people that surround you now. Yet, I hate to see your face, and it’s everywhere. I cursed the woman who forced me to see stories of your holiday adventures. I cursed her for thinking it was appropriate to shove your happiness down my throat. I cursed her. I actively avoided you, so I cursed her.

I am so far from the person I hope to be. I am so far from clinging to the positive in my circumstances. I am so far from growth. When asked how all of this has been for me - the move, the break-up, the work -  I use all my energy to sound upbeat, and say, “I’ve grown so, so much! It was terribly hard at first, but it’s been great overall. I’ve grown so, so much.” I hope that if I say the words often enough it will be true; I will grow, I will be happy, I will be positive. 

It brings me joy to hear you are well, really. I hope for happiness, peace, and love in life.

I will work on my own. To the next 15 months, may I grow so, so much. 

You,

You entered my life slowly, gradually, mind-numbingly gently.

And you left suddenly, unexpectedly, painfully.

Thank you.

You gave me love. You gave me hope. You gave me life.

And as a parting give you gave me despair. You gave me pain. You gave me desolation.

Thank you.

We started with the dreams of our future, the memories of happier moments, the sanity of each other’s company.

We ended with lonely birthdays, quiet holidays, barren celebrations.

Thank you.

From the smiles, the laughs, the joyfulness, and carelessness.

To the tears, the nightmares, the empty heart, and noisy brain.

Thank you.

They say you never really know what you have until it’s gone.                          

Well, I never knew what I needed until you were gone.

Because, they say if you love someone you should let them go.

Then you must’ve loved me more than I did.

Thank you.

I don’t know if God put you on this Earth just for me.

Selfish, I know.

But I do know God put you through this just for me.

Selfless, I know.

Thank you.

For what better of a love is there than the one that breaks you down.

Only to allow yourself to build you back up.

See, I didn’t think I was ready for this. I mean, who ever admits they are?

I begged, I cried, I prayed for you to stay. Only to realize I was speaking to the nothingness.

Thank you.

My heart jumped at every call, brain froze at every knock, throat closed at every text.

It was never you.

Now new life flows through my veins, mindfulness has found a home in my head, and peace in my heart.

Something that never came from you.

Thank you.

You cleansed my entire being with the sterilizing fire of agony.

And taught me how to love myself.

You’ve taught me that true love doesn’t have to mean we’re together

For I’ll always love you, even from a distance.

Thank you.

I’m now at a better place than I’ve ever been before. Every new day that I encounter isn’t filled with regret but rather bursting with life. Coursing through my body is a feeling of hope, refilled anew with every sunrise and sunset. The pains of my unrequited love don’t harm me anymore; I wear them proudly as scars of a battle that opened up the world for me to conquer. Call me Alexander, call me Caesar, call me anything you want.

Thank you.

I used to live my life waiting for whatever was next, waiting for something that never actually arrived, reaching for an inaccessible specter that I never seemed to be able to catch. Life hollowed out in dreams unattainable. Journeys mired with marches of misery among the masses perennially pondering the problems of my perpetual predicaments.

We all construct these images of how our lives should be. The spouse. The job. The mid-sized SUV to fit your children in. But we never construct the experiences that shape the mold that we become. No one expected what would happen between us. You broke off the predictable pathway that was laid out before us. You gave no warning and, like a darkened lighthouse that guides the vessel to shore, crashed me beyond the depths of the Earth.

Thank you.

See, everyone wants what they want. And few ever want what they need. Because if we ever needed what we wanted Then we wouldn’t get what we need.

So here’s my open letter to you thanking you for it all. For you ripped my flesh from my bone and my being from my body; you left me tattered, battered, and bruised. But that is what is needed in life, to not be one with your body. For your mind is not you and you are not your mind.

I needed all this, so thank you. I would have never asked for this, so thank you.

So, for the cruel one who yanks my heart out by which I live… te cultivo una rosa blanca. I tend a white rose for you which I place in the vaults of my life, a deposit never to be withdrawn.

For you gave me life. You gave me being. You gave me me.

I will never be able to pay you back, but I can always say thank you.

So, with all my love and gratitude- thank you.

I hate what you did. 

I love you. 

I hate you sometimes. I love you all the time. 

I don’t want you to be happy without me. But I want you to be well. 

I can’t stand seeing your face. But I can’t look away.