Drop Your Socks And Hrab Your Crocs

This is a century-long lie. You hung her portrait over our coffins in New Orleans. It's sick. You're sick.

We're unnatural beings! And this-- this is the half-human soul that you conveniently whip out whenever you want to win an argument!

What argument you got for fucking your mother? It's sickness. Maybe the source of all your sickness. But my god! Seek a professional!

Then he thought he was too old for that kind of thing anymore and he got packed away and anyway one night Shane and Ilya are at Yuna and David’s for dinner and they are like oh Shane we got out some of your old stuff cause we moved some stuff to the storage locker etc etc and go through this book and see what you want to keep. And Ilya is doing his important job of being Shane’s chair while Shane goes through the boxes and Ilya reaches around Shane to pick up little bear who is squished in the box and he is like “who is this” and Shane is like oh just a toy and David is like ?????? Just a TOY! That’s little bear! And he’s telling Ilya how Shane wouldn’t EVER part with the soft toy for like the first six years of his life and the one time he had drive back two hours on a road trip to the hotel they’d left because someone little bear got left behind and when Shane woke up from his nap and realised it was like FUCK all hands on DECK we gotta go find this guy.

AnWAYYY Ilya is like omg ! This is a very important guy !!!!! How do I not know about him and like maybe he’s gonna cry a little because he’s thinking about tiny baby Shane and oh god. And then he tucks little bear under his arm and it’s ridiculous and he’s carrying him around the rest of the evening and teasing Shane a bit abt it and Shane just scoffs and deflects and then when they get home Shane realises Ilyas bought the toy home with him and he’s like Ilya 😠🙄 drop it and Ilya is like I was not kidding he seems very important to you I do not think he should be in david and Yuna’s storage locker !

Shane is like no! It’s embarrassing! And this is public! And you wouldn’t make me actually do that to Rose would you? You know the answer, I’m gay!

Only Rose thinks the whole thing is hilarious and gives Shane the go ahead so there’s no real reason to resist Ilya’s begging anymore, still he holds out to the day before the interview.

“Fine! Fine! You can ask about Rose, but I get to ask about anything I want too!” And Ilya’s like yes yes of course my love. His boring Shane would hardly ask anything damning.

Fast forward to the day of the interview Shane is fondly exasperated with Ilya’s Rose questions, and Ilya is being a cocky bastard so happy with how it played out.

Until they switch sides and Shane breaks out his first question:

“Is it or is it not true that despite famously calling Scott Hunter ‘a nearly extinct fossil’ you think he’s hot?” The blood drains from Ilya’s face pretty quickly after that.

“Do you think Hayden Pike is a good hockey player?”

“Do you consider Hayden Pike a close friend?”

“Who do you love more: me or Anya?”

“Besides me who is your favorite teammate?”