Existential

It's been ages since I've been back here; a digital trace of an older home of my self. I had forgotten the password and the site address and tired coming here a few times to no avail. Glad I succeeded today.

Back here because lately I've been grieving. Grieving over the past versions of myself; the kind of grief that no one really talks about. Maybe I am looking for something. Small glimpses of who I was, what I liked and what I loved. Traces of my thoughts that defined who I was.

I catch myself surprised from time to time, at some of the traits, thoughts and characteristic of my current self but unable to diagnose whether this feeling is for good or bad. I am not sure if like or dislike my current self but what I know for sure is that I miss parts of a past me. The parts that were much more carefree, the me that was more introspective and sure of what I liked and the version of me that wrote my feelings down and was more in tune with more own emotions. These days I just know what I dislike but can't put a finger to what really makes me happy and every day, month or year passes by in a blink and I don't really know what I am feeling because I don't speak to myself as much anymore.

Many things have happened in these past 10 years but I find myself drifting back to many core memories in my poly and early working adult years that really deeply shaped who I am today. There are also somethings from my past self that I haven't had closure to, that I still wonder about from time to time but what I wonder most is whether I will feel any regret if I don't close this chapters once and for all.

This grief has been weighing down my heart for a while, along with Mantou's death that I am grieving slowly over.