8 of hearts.

ginkgo:

i've always had strong strong associations and connections with music— as most do, i know— and so i'll make playlists throughout my life and dedicate whole swaths of them to moments, fiction, people i know, feelings i have, etc. i have about 10+ driving playlists for specific moods while in the car. it's egregious and over the top.

i've always felt so seen in the soul with the song 'Electric Indigo' (especially after seeing the music video). there was something about the 80s drums and slow melody and vocals that felt nostalgic to a time i've never experienced and a feeling i've never had, yet yearn so so hard for.

and of allllll the people i've loved— so so many people— this song was never something that felt part of… how do i put this? a song can be very 'this person' or 'these feelings with this person' and that's how i make little romantic playlists for people, about people, or about my feelings. this one song was included in so many but never actually stuck with someone like others have. but it's always been carried through my playlists. i love it! good song.

cw: suicide/ideation. also disclaimer i'm FINE don't WORRY i'm good i promise.

anyways depression spiral so bad i kinda sit back and go: wow, y'know, i get why people kill themselves. if i felt like this all the time without my tiny rope holding me together, i'd also probably just stop.

i write about all sorts of things: the night before, the things we did that day, something i thought about that i wanted to expand upon, a memory, and even writing an entry while tracking their flight overseas and accompanying it with a doodle of an airplane and my approximation of what they looked like napping cutely in their seat.

he came over last night and after we got ready for bed i was showing him something when i saw a thing of chocolates on my desk— i looked at it quizzically and went "?? wait why is there chocolates on my desk?" then i looked over at him and he just smiled and softly said "got them for you."

he didnt even tell me he just placed them there for me to find whenever i saw them.

so when we were laying in bed looking at each other, i asked him if he wanted to share them with me and he said "yeah? i'll have the ones you don't want."

i go "uhh no, how about you have ones you like??"

there was a soft moment of time until i again brought up "what ones do you like?"

he smiled at me and softly said "the ones you don't like" and i huffed at him.

i visited him today and gave him one of each flavor.

i really love him. i really really feel sure about him. he's my person. we're so similar yet such different people and it makes him so interesting, and he's so sweet and genuinely kind and caring, and so so funny. i feel so rich with things i could praise and claim my adoration for about him, the list never ends. i haven't felt quite like this before.

objectively i look at this whole situation and i feel so shocked that it's him— if you told me a year ago that it'd be him, i'd have snorted at you. there are lines of people that would make more sense. but somehow, in some way, the world rolled dice and we discovered 'you're my person' with each other, which feels like winning the lottery.

i so often feel like i must be more obsessed with him than he likes me. and then times like last night will happen and he'll ask when he can see me because he's "having withdrawals". he'll look at me in bed while stroking my skin on my arms or stroking a thumb on my cheek and say "i love your eyes." "you're so beautiful." he hugged me so tightly and said "i love you so much. you're my person." softly under his breath. he listened to me talk about my disabilities and asked if i was sad about my chronic fatigue and he listened to me say 'i'm not really sad anymore, often frustrated, but i don't remember what it was like to wake up ready to take on the day and feel energetic anymore, so it's hard to be sad about what i cant remember to miss' and he pulled me in and hugged me tightly while rambling about how awful that is; i chuckled and patted his head and told him its really fine and not to worry and he shot back a 'it's not fine!! that's so sad!!!'. somewhat refreshing to remember that i am owed sympathy and empathy, so often my interactions are just very mutual 'yeah fuckin sucks dont it'.

in a soft hushed tone he sternly told me to "have people with energy do things for you" i told him i wish i could, but i'd feel guilty/struggle to accept help. he bartered back "i'll do the things for you!" i said i can't ask that of him; "why?" i explained that he has other things he needs to take care of; he very decidedly responded: "it's fine, i have the energy."

i love him. i think i knew i would— from what felt like day 1 with him listening to me say i was a deeply damaged and sad person and him energetically and earnestly responding "i will do whatever i can to make you happy" and making me flustered and needing to elaborate that it's not his responsibility to fix me. until now: with him listening to me talk about my limitations and my ails and my struggles and him telling me he'll help me, he'll support me, asking me over and over what i like and what feels good and what he can do to make me happy.

i have had so many moments of wondering: he said he hadn't felt the way he feels about me with anyone before, he hadn't been in a relationship as deep as this before, only what felt like surface-level; and these admissions always made me wonder if i was going to be an infatuation or phase for him.

but he just seems to love me more and more. ask for me more and more. commit more and more.

"i'm looking forward to years of fixing old hondas with you."

he's also so sweet; i've never gamed with him before, so i kinda just observed how he goes: he's really attentive and focused on helping his lads. always picking up stuff for them cheerily or making sure they've all got armor (so they dont die) and i thought it was quite warm and charming to see.

so, i have a cheeky hex code as a handle for my personal insta. before Rover ever confessed/before we knew we liked each other, i followed him on the personal and he actually looked up the handle because he thought that it must have some meaning; then messaged saying it was clever after he found out what it was and how it related to me.

one of the first times we were intimately close (like kissin n shit) in his room, he played some music that i was really vibing to. i was stuck wondering if he was just playing a random mix or if spotify was suggesting based on other tracks.

the next time we were in his room, i asked him if he could put on the tunes again. he did, and they were really nice.

tonight i asked if he could put on his music (i like it!! and it fits such a vibe) he said sure but then asked me if i wanted the same 'lovey' playlist he always plays. i said 'playlist?' thinking maybe it's a spotify generated one, cos i know his music tastes are much more dnb than they are sweet modern softpop and 80s vibey songs.

he held his phone up to me and told me to look at the name of the second top left playlist of his recently played.

it was the hex code. it was named after my handle.

i gently picked up the phone from his outstretched hand and pulled up the playlist and looked at him in awe. he explained that he made it for me, and that the last time i asked him to play the tunes i liked from the first time, it was that playlist. he made a playlist out of songs that he probably wouldn't know if i liked or disliked, and every time it's played i've loved the mix.

he made it sometime before/maybe just after confessing to me (edit: he made it the day after confessing to me). i asked when he was planning to show it to me, and he replied "if things went well. if they didn't, i would've probably deleted it and been sad— or i would've listened to it and cried or something." and chuckled.