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130 days since I risked everything for that one shot at what I truly believed in. Who I truly believed in.

130 days since I lost everything I had. My house, my cars, my business, my dogs, my life.

130 days since my heart was broken and my soul was shattered.

Does it get easier? 

No. Initially it gets worse. You think about it more often. Trying to comprehend what just happened. Wishing things had gone differently. Hoping if you think about it hard enough, everything will magically change.

It doesn’t.

Eventually, you think about it less and less. Random things trigger memories and if you let yourself, you’ll spiral down again and it all starts again.

What is life if you don’t take risks? Boredom. 

Would I change anything that led up to that moment? 

No.

I fought for what I thought was right. What I thought was real. 

You yourself said it was real.

You yourself said it was true.

You yourself said it was soulful.

And them you changed your mind.

Played me like the fool I am.

Why don’t I hate you?

Because I still love you.

It doesn’t.

Until it breaks your heart and crushes your soul.

Lost in a beautiful fantasy.

A fantasy of make believe.

A fantasy that I envisaged.

My fantasy. Not yours.

Your legs relax. And release me slightly.

You hop down from the tailgate

Whilst circling me, you run one hand across my body.

From my shoulder across my chest. Down my arm to my back.

You use both hand to run from my neck down my spine.

You give a cheeky slap on the arse.

And walk back around to the front.

I’m still nervous.

Your standing right in front of me.

You lift your arms and put them around my neck.

Pulling my head down towards yours.

I put my hands on your waist and slide them around to your back.

Our faces getting closer

We kiss again.

Even more passionately than before.

My hands slide down and grab your arse firmly.

I pull you tightly against my body.

Lifting you slightly

You can feel me through my pants.

You push a little harder against me.

You know I’m hard.

The kiss finishes.

You slide your body back down.

Your hands go to my buttons.

And pick them off one by one.

You unzip me.

We’re meant to be taking it slow!

But this feels so right.

You slide your hand down my stomach.

It disappears underneath my clothing

Your grasp becomes firm.

My eyes uncontrollably close and I breath heavy.

My hands have found their way under your shirt.

I’m caressing you bare back. Skin so soft.

Both of my hands running up and down your back.

The slide down.

Further.

And further.

Until they too disappear below clothing

Their grasp becomes full.

I squeeze harder.

As I become harder.

We kiss again. Uncontrollably.

All hands releasing from their grips.

Yours. Both against my back.

Fingernails digging in.

Mine. One hand tangled in your hair not wanting to let go. The other. Still firmly on your arse cheek.

I lift you back up onto the tailgate.

I Lay you down.

This time I lay with you.

Both of us totally and absolutely relinquishing ourselves to each other.

We know we shouldn’t.

But we crave it.

The outright passion we show each other.

This can’t be real.

What are these extreme feelings?

I’ve never known them to be this strong.

We kiss again.

And again.

Laying there

Looking at each other.

Still in silence.

Our eyes say everything.

No need to speak.

We know what the other is feeling.

But yet I speak.

First words since arriving.

It was dark

I loaded up some music.

It was a string quartet playing Bon Jovi Always.

This would be the first time in years we had seen each other. We get out of the car.

We moved towards the back of the vehicle.

Watching each other through the windows.

Until we met. Face to face. Nervous af.

Wanting to just grab each other.

But knowing we need to show restraint.

I held out my hand. Took hold of yours.

Gave you a little spin. You giggled.

And I hold you against me. Gently rocking side to side.

Holding you. Smelling youAbsorbing you.

I rub my face in your hair. Kiss your neck.

You raise your head and look me in the eye.

It stuns me for a moment

We stare at each other.

Eyes chasing every detail

I’m lost. Frozen.

My mind is going everywhereMy heart is racing

And then it happens.

The first kiss. Gentle. Soft. Slow

Seems to last an eternity

I think I’m going to faint. I don’t.

We hold each other again

Your face buried in my chest.

Not a word has been spoken

We don’t need to speak. I lift you up.

Place you on the tailgate of the Cruiser.

I’m standing there.

My hands on your thighs.

Your knees around my waist. We kiss again

This time a little more ferociously

We know what’s about to happen

I’m touching your face. Caressing your neck

Rubbing my thumb over your lips.

You close your eyes. I kiss you again

Quickly before your eyes open again.

You grab the back of my head. Making sure I don’t stop.

I don’t want to stop. But we do.

My hands are now on your waist.

Softly stroking your sides.

Occasionally brushing the sides of your breasts.

You slide forward on your seat.

Trapping me between your legs.

I feel them squeezing me. You’re yearning for more.

But slow. We need to go slow.

The music fades to silence.

There is no noise apart from the occasional rustle in the bushes and crickets chirping.

The noise in our heads is deafening.

So many things that we want to say. But we don’t.

Right now. Silence. Still staring at each other.

Hands caressing each other.

I’ve never fallen this hard for anyone.

Ever. It feels weird.

Nervousness combined with excitement and joy and love. Yes love.

I think I’m falling in love with you. How can this be?

I barely know you.