𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄 𝐈𝐒 𝐔𝐏.

# 740TH : an exploration of loyalty, devotion and free will. a study in heartbreak, loss of self, loss of purpose, questions of morality and the unwavering cruelty of ones own heart. a story about time we do not have and the power the human heart holds over the mind.

THE WHISTLER. GARRETT BYRNES. trigger warnings : child abuse, child neglect, mentions of torture, murder, apocalyptic themes, psychological issues, abuse of power, mentions of substance abuse.

doc is in the works, meanwhile feel free to read the rules accessible on webview. (navigation button iii.) private, selective, multifandom friendly.

@galaxietm. goncharov starters. from carina. ❛ this world is cruel, perhaps too cruel for people like you. ❜

the word send a shiver down his spine that causes an undignified inhale of air akin to a gasp. it takes him by surprise, causes something to shatter, as tiny as it is, something that makes him break the mask he's put on without donning his actual mask, something that makes him feel ... vulnerable, almost. he was cruel too, he wants to argue. he was raised to kill and destroy, he had more blood on his hands than was needed to trace a path from the antarctica to his home base in michigan. and yet something about such a statement hits harder than any punch or torture he's ever received. scarred features twist into a facsimile of restrained pain. he doesn't know how to answer, as if the sound he just let out did not only steal the air from his lungs but also the words from his mind. he ... never had a chance to be soft, kind. was never given the choice of whether he wanted to be cold or not. and yet he cares so much about this world that time and time again he was willing to suffer agonizing losses and deaths over and over again just to protect it. perhaps in a sense, the statement was true. he loved the world, and in return he'd never received anything but cruelty. but as much as he loved the world; the damage he had caused it ... was something that warranted his suffering. he couldn't turn a blind eye to that.

for a moment the world stills, goes cold and gray like he always perceived it to be before he knew what goodness was. before he knew what the smile of a child was or the laughter over a ridiculous joke sounded like. as if he was sent back to a time where he didn't have to think for himself and everything was so simple, where his pain had meaning because he never considered it to be painful because it just seemed ... right, going through such hardships. his voice is tense, forced when he responds. but it also sounds uncertain, almost as though he was scared of the response to what he is saying. as if he's afraid that she might take back what she just said, as if she's going to be convinced he is in fact the monster he was always portrayed as and that he didn't deserve any sort of basic kindness or respect. as if he was afraid that if that were to ever happen he'd completely agree without fighting for himself. ❛ i ... appreciate the thought, ma'am. i do. but ... i can't see how someone like me doesn't fit right into a cruel world. ❜  

quotes that broke me. @tragedicn. from shanjie. ❛   i also buried a part of myself alongside them.  ❜ 

he pauses for a moment, glances at the notebook hidden safely in his chest pocket underneath the tactical gear, filled to the brim with names of everyone that has died in the past seven-hundred and thirty-nine tries. he doesn't need it, of course, he remembers their names by heart because with every reset he has to rewrite them anyways. it's a nice sentiment, anyways, he thinks. to show he at least had enough decency to have a small memorabilia even if it was unneeded. he rolls his shoulders, brushes it off as a casual shrug. he remembers a rookie, one that was sent on a mission with him and how happy and hopeful they had been to help people because that's the sort of garbage their superiors sold their missions as. as being helpful. as freeing people. it makes him let out a bitter chuckle every time he thinks that he used to fall for that because of how they'd brainwashed him from childhood on. and he remembers how something had broken and never returned from that rookie when half their squad had gotten killed because as per usual, nobody wanted to listen to him. nobody wants to take orders from someone younger than them, no matter how much more experience and strategy they have. he remembers feeling something akin to pity.

❛ be careful who you care about. in this life loss is a constant and you can't afford to lose all of yourself so young. ❜ it's harsh, kind of, and it sounds like he's so much older than he is. he's kind of glad nobody knows what he looks like under his mask, or that his voice is deeper than someone his age should sound like. he shrugs it off, glances to the side has his head turns away from shanjie. there it is again, that sense of guilt and pity that he felt with the rookie years back. it's something he isn't used to and he doesn't like it either. heavy, gloved hand comes up to rest on the others shoulder. he doesn't squeeze, nor does he apply pressure. he simply rests it there for a moment before retracting it and walking past him. ❛ you remember them, and in that they are never fully gone. ❜

quotes that broke me. @tragedicn. from shanjie. ❛    i can bear my pain so long as it has meaning.  ❜  

❛ pain has no meaning. all the damage someone suffers can't be good damage. ❜ he speaks, voice calculated as he speaks, hands stuffed inside the pockets of his tactical vest as the soldier plays with the knife in his pocket almost absentmindedly. he seems relaxed, at first glance; his stance is unlike what it would usually be, almost lax and his eyes wander around the room almost bored. he is anything but. even now he focuses on the sound of the others breathing, expects to hear a hitch in it or a shift that will give away intend to harm him. he doesn't know the man well enough to trust him - not that he probably ever could trust anyone - and it is almost natural for him to expect betrayal. he doesn't know any of the people sent to work with him, nor does he have any intent to change that. this was just another loop he had to get out of, getting attached to anyone here meant watching them die. again. he lost plenty of ... friends (?) that way before, he has no intention of doing that again.

he doesn't even think the others words over. a long time ago he might have shared that mindset, might have thought that his pain and suffering were all for the greater good. it wasn't anymore, it never had been and now after going through the same shit over and over again he finally understands that. it's almost sad, thinking that it took him over five hundred tries to understand, and that this guy probably won't have the luxury, or torture, of getting that much time to realize it. he just hopes he finds people who will teach him that he does not need to suffer his pain, or at least not alone. his voice loses its non-chalance, gains a little bit of edge at his next words as though he was upset about the statement - he isn't, he's tense about admitting those words to himself. not that the other will ever know that. ❛ it's just that. damage. ❜