as many times as it takes

I have never seen any pixels spilled on the topic of “also, some women are just tops. They like m/m, because it’s one of the few consistent ways to read good porn about topping.”

It is generally accepted that some people in queer couplings have a preference. Sometimes it’s a very strong preference. Sometimes it’s part of their own identity! But straight cis people are told, by mainstream and queer communities, that tab A belongs in slot B unless you’re queer.

If you can be brought to understand that topping/bottoming are roles that can be preferred in queer coupling, which aren’t necessarily fixed, “obvious” or detectable to outsiders, but that some people do have a strong preference, you can hopefully understand that this can also be true of straight people.

And ideally an evolved understanding will be that quite a lot of people might be giving or receiving sex in ways you can’t tell by looking at their haircuts. Some queer people have fixed preferences, some don’t; many relationships are versatile; one’s preference in the act can be entirely decoupled from one’s model of attraction, model of gender, and model of presentation.

My point is that some women, including straight cisgender women, can be preferentially vers or tops - just the same as anyone else - but they’re very limited by social expectations and their choices of partner. Same as anyone else. And vice versa; this generous planet is home to plenty of people who prefer to receive, but who have received variations on the designation of “straight man.”

And my theory here is that there are more women of varying identities and attractions in these groups than has ever been acknowledged, because straight people aren’t competent in expressing it, and queer people aren’t especially good at allowing interiority in straight people. We’re all picking at gender and attraction as if they have ANYTHING to do with what people like to do in bed, and assume that it has anything to do with what people do in bed, while at the same time saying loftily “it’s reductive to associate bottoming with femininity in queer couples” - come on now! It should be reductive in everybody.

As a result, you have cis gay men loftily pronouncing judgment upon everyone else writing penetrative sex scenes with men , because they have forgotten that “even” cis straight women can both give and receive anal sex with men… letting alone everyone else. Sure, in recent years, people have started pointing out that bi women, trans women, trans men, genderfluid people, and the entire asexual community can also write competently about sex. But the problem is still that this is focusing entirely upon the equipment that people happen to have, and not their desire; a missing component in the discourse! And it’s driven by the fact that not even the queer community are quite able to detach desire from one’s tackle.

Anyway! I’ll repeat myself: sometimes people without equipment are tops; some people whom society has assigned to be givers actually prefer to receive; some people don’t care much; and that doesn’t necessarily say anything about them. and they may have a range of attraction that ranges from same-gender to different-gender. It’s a fact of life.

It’s a small and specific point, and I am specifically speaking here of “straight cis woman who likes m/m fanfic” as an exemplar, just because it’s tumblr and there have been so many pixels burnt over this archetype. but I do think the greater point needs to be part of queer liberation. Assigning certain sexual preferences and desires based on presumptions of gender and equipment is not liberation.

Do you feel like it would be impossible for you to take a different sexual role, despite your desire, because of your gender? Or your partner’s gender?

Do you identify as cis/straight and feel clear sexual attraction, but find the traditional sexual act itself to be strangely weird/awkward/uncomfortable? You definitely want the other person, but wish the activity didn’t have to take place that way?

Do you feel a different way about your body as “the place where you live” vs “a sexual object”? Do they match? Would you like to have something like “a secret detachable penis just for sex” ?

This is a slightly odd-sounding one: are you sometimes wistful or jealous of trans people/queer people, for having the kind of sex that you want to have? And no matter how much you’ve reflected, you still feel that you aren’t trans, and are clear on your own attraction - but your heart hurts, because you somehow still want THAT sex, and know you never can? Does it make you sad that the sex you want is “not for you”?

It’s the closest thing to show biz on Erid. The orchestra and actors are the stars and divas of culture. Of course someone writes an opra about Rocky meeting the alien Grace and saving the stars together.

The casting call to play Rocky would be so cut throat. And Rocky can’t really give any opinion on who to pick since he’s been out of the pop culture loop for 50 years. (A fact the writers use in writing the script. Purposely giving Rocky dated Eridian slang.)

As for Graces actor, the theater’s master puppeteer becomes invested in making as accurate a puppet as possible to play their alien. In the end they would create a puppet where, instead of stuffing, it is filled with sacks and tubes full of fluid. Including an air pump to churn it and a constant beating of what would be a human heart. The puppeteer tries to capture just how horrifyingly alien Grace is in the best way for Eridians, through sound design.

And that’s just the puppet for the actors to interact with. For the audience, I could see the orchestra Amplifying the sounds of the human body during scenes like when Grace hugs Rocky. Or used for laughs when Rocky points out how flawed the human body is as he describes it to the audience.

Actual Rocky being a puppeteer nerd as a pebble. So when the theater gets approval to send the Opera stars to meet Rocky and Grace during the press tour, Rocky straight up pushes past the glamorous opera divas to meet the puppeteer instead.

Rocky is excited to share with them the fact that so much his and Grace earliest communication was through puppet shows.

I've seen ones today including photos, dates of birth, place of birth even!

So many women feel the need to mention their young children in their cover letters and CVs. Some young people slip in that they can't drive, a sort of pre-emptive "but it's okay I have a bus pass". So many people go and shove their mental health issues with anxiety and depression in there.

I remember one girl had clearly been told that she needed to explain any gaps in employment in the cover letter (terrible blanket advice), and so had described how she had developed depression after a traumatic miscarriage and spent a year in a terrible spiral getting worse and worse before getting on a new medication that, and I quote, "seemed to be finally starting to work." There are ways she could have written that information if she was desperately wanting to include it (I cannot stress enough that she should not have included a word of it), but the way it was written was almost literally a description of how she would be a horrendously unreliable employee who could dip out at a moment's notice and would never be seen again, while also demonstrating that she cannot determine appropriate professional communication.

(And for the record, the latter is the actual issue. I have no problems at all hiring employees with mental health issues, and did several times hire people in recovery to help them get back on their feet. Only once did that not work out; all others were amazing, and two became some of our best employees - one is now a manager there, in fact. But if an employee can't be trusted not to over share personal information with customers or colleagues, particularly triggering topics... That's a different issue. She did herself no favours at all there, and nor did whoever told her employers will always need employment gaps explaining in a cover letter).

Another guy once wrote in his cover letter "I want this job because after years of messing about I now have a little girl, so I need to sort my life out for her, and if I can't do it even for her then more fool me." Which, like, I admire the drive and passion. But again. Why are you telling an employer that you're a flight risk. Why are you telling us this.

One 18 year old volunteered, unforced, that he was gay. Just right in the cover letter. That he sent to a future employer.

And then, of course, the thousands that send in CVs and cover letters that are horrendously mis-spelled. Again, as an employer, I care dick-all if you're dyslexic or what have you; but I do care that you didn't think it was important to get someone to proofread a professional document for you before submission. That tells me quite a big thing about the level of professionalism I can expect from you in the role. It wasn't massively relevant for the job I was hiring for (escape room game master), but if we'd had slightly different job duties (e.g. writing official soc med posts), that would be the difference between getting an interview or not.

I'll link to more of our advice below, but the general rule is: do not volunteer information about your personal life to a potential employer. Just don't. It's none of their business (literally).

I had a friend recently tell me they were having trouble getting past the interview stage. Turns out they opened every interview with "I'm queer and disabled." I told them to FUCKING STOP DOING THAT and they got the very next job they interviewed for.

It's illegal to discriminate based on protected status, blah blah blah... but if a potential employer becomes aware of something like that, suddenly their unconscious biases come into play. Don't tell them about your personal struggles. Tell them how you're going to be a good lil worker bee for them. I don't care if it feels dishonest. You need an income to survive, and I support you doing just about anything to get it.

Our Best Secrets for a Successful, Strategic, and SHORT Job Search

10 Questions You Should Never Be Asked in a Job Interview

How to Write a Resume so You Actually Have a Prayer of Getting Hired 

How to Write a Cover Letter like You Actually Want the Job

Ask the Bitches: What the Hell Else Can I Do to Get a Job?