something incredibly compelling and fascinating to me about groupies, or rather that’s a euphemism because actually I mean I understand them so deeply and being a fan of someone feels genuinely painful to me and I would do Anything to be closer like the intimacy and being elevated above the crazed masses for an illicit moment inside its so narcotic. But then the fact that you’ll always be a lesser than leech to the object of your desires, he’ll use you for your body and his ego but you’ll never be the girl of his dreams, the girl to whom he’s nothing special because that’s what he covets when the whole world wants him… but despite this knowledge a droplet of his essence is enough for you, just to be in his orbit..

I draw from my “grew up in the Bay Area” mythology for every essay I write and everyone eats it up so hard

the worst part about living in new york is this underlying fear that i'm never capitalizing enough on being continuously in the midst of the exact concentrated specialness that entranced all the great writers and artists and creatives and films and tv. all the days i spent walking down lexington when i lived on the upper east side could have become a joan didion essay or a gossip girl episode but i made nothing of it. every morning getting ready and going to school at union square, gazing out at the empire state building when i'm up late at the school library, summer internship in the classic midtown skyscrapers on 5th avenue, taking the 1 train and thinking of asap rocky, my favorite bookstore in the lower east side that childish gambino immortalized in my teenage brain, walking past the comedy cellar to go to amc only for the comedy cellar to be a central location in the movie i watch that day, even in avengers there's a scene right outside the coffee shop by my house, coming home to put on my comfort tv shows, 30 rock, the mindy project, friends, seinfeld, kimmy schmidt, and they're all exactly where i was all day, it's endless... i don't know what to make of it all. i feel this nervous energy buzzing in me all the time knowing i'm in the Beautiful place and the historic place and so much has happened here and keeps happening and keeps getting immortalized and i feel the desire to drink from this fountain as well, i want to create something out of all of this, i want all of this to have meant something in the end