FourYearWait

So I hate uni, still hate it, I hate it a lot, of all the things to hate. Uni is one of the big ones. Along with wasps and bitter disspointment. Actually there’s four, I lied. My little brother died. I hate that the most. It’s mental, one minute someone is here and then, poof, they aren’t. There returned to the earth and you cant hug them anymore. I’m not very happy about anything that’s happened recently. And I have to have both my knees operated on and I’m not happy about that either. However. My friends, mum and dad and boyfriend are phenomenal and I cannot thank them enough for what they have done. That aside everything else is pretty shitty and I hate stuff. Uni have not supported me in the slightest. If I get told to cheer up one more time I am going to break something. If I get told behind my back that I couldnt care less if I tried. Sorry but I have bigger things to worry about and I’m trying my best to still breathe each day and get out of bed. Let alone communicate with people and be a jolly little slave. The weather has been lovely I must admit and I cannot wait to go away with my lovely, kind, caring and thoughtful boy. He has been amazing and I couldn’t ever have expected him to be the support he has been. I know who my friends are and I know who they are not. I know who talks about me and I know who talks to me. I know my parents will support me and my little brother is watching over me. I know I am starting to know myself and I know i want to make a change and a difference to the world. I want to be a role model and I want little girls to go, I want to grow up to be like her and make the change she made. However, I do not know how I am going to do this. When. Why. Or if it’s even going to work. Still waiting on the epiphany. I still don’t feel like I am enough and I don’t think I ever will. But as I feel more incomplete each and every day as I miss my brother more and more I find peace and comfort in the fact that i have people who are willing to stand there and hold the piece together until I find the strength and right kind of glue to keep myself afloat and stop the suffocating darkness which looms above my head. I want nothing more than to smile and laugh again and to be a mother, a lover, a daughter and an inspiration. I will get there. I just need to be kind to myself and look after me, trust my brother is doing the same and smile at the fact that I, will one day, be fucking fabulous.

So I’m currently sat sound op’ing a show, and not enjoying it at all in any way shape or form, in fact. Theatre is not ma ting, it’s really really not. The boy that I swore I would be there for as a friend or anything else actually asked me to be his girlfriend which yes I wanted but had also massively convinced myself it wouldn’t happen so that was a weird one and a half, but I’m happy and very much falling in love again, he is a gentleman and that’s the only way I can describe him. He makes my heart beat go faster and although we both tried to stay away from eachother fate brought us together for one reason or another. We met two years ago and I smiled at him. That was it. I smiled at him. He found my name and email address from the number plate on my car. I declined a drink with him because I was with Ben. Then he was talking about me in the pub. Mum overheard and went over, introduced herself as my mother. I hate crashed his party the next day. Then I asked him for a drink and the rest is kinda history, aside from I called it off before my birthday and then he said he didn’t want a relationship. Then I said I would be there as a friend and we went to the beach because I wanted to go on adventures with him. That day, that day I started falling and I have been ever since. I went over one night to just say hi and he asked me if I would be his and with probably the biggest shock on my face ever I said yes. We’ve had a crazy two months so far which have included broken legs, operations, dislocated knees, anxiety and red dresses, crutches and fireworks, birthday frolickings and wrestling sheep. House decorating and puppy training and so many smiles, so so many smiles. I just feel so comfortable around him. I always have, I feel safe, and calm and happy and just complete I guess, I don’t have to compete with him or fight for his attention or constantly massage his ego. I mean don’t get me wrong we don’t agree on things and have very different views on things. But we teach eachother so many things and learn about stuff neither of us have ever been exposed too. He’s rather perfect, I mean no one is, but to me, to me he is everything that makes my heart beat.

Not sure what the hell is going on really, i mean, i literally dunno where i stand with myself and everything else, i like a boy, but i don't like him, I'm happy around him but I'm also terrified. I have no idea if I'm bloody coming or going and aughhhhhh. Im so shitty with stuff like this, i just get myself all worked up over nothing and over think shit, and put my foot in it and then, well then it gets fucked, and none of this makes and sense, and I don't make sense but, well it is what it is. Fuck

no one told me anything 

Cheers to us Benjamin Cleaver, we had the best time, made the best memories and I fucking adored you. I'm sorry that you felt you had to leave and I'm sorry you broke my heart into a million pieces, you're going to be amazing, so go out there and show em who you are xxxx

So yeah it happened, last night Ben broke up with me, following on from the other weeks chat he said he just couldn't do it anymore, he didn't want to see me upset and although he loves me to bits and is still in love with me, he just doesn't care, about anyone or anything anymore, and he doesn't want it to get to the point where he feels like he has to pretend, I totally get it, I still adore him, I'm still in love with him and I'm just devastated, I'm so upset and sad that this amazing journey has ended this way, I honestly think he has depression from what he has said to me, I wish he would listen and I wish he would take it into consideration at least especially since he has had glandular fever. He just needs time to find himself again, as much as I would like to get back with him when he feels better, I don't think he will want too. All in all, I adore that boy he had been amazing, he has taken so many little things into consideration about how i feel, my condition and the way he has treated me I honestly don't think I will ever find anyone who will treat me better than he did. I wish him all the better in the future, Thank You Benjamin Cleaver, you're my knight in shining armour and for nearly two years you have been the light behind my eyes. I love you moron 💚💚💚💚

wow so its been a mental week, ben and I nearly broke up, he has been feeling wobbly about us for months but never told me. I think the glandular fever has really shaken him up and spat him back out. we talked all night and right now we are good. we've speak the afternoon together just messing about and its been lovely, we've smiled and laughed and giggled and nearly wept with laughter. School/ Uni is starting to pick up alot. its been nice to have something to concentrate on but i am struggling alot, still i will get there its just going to take some time. mums birthday is soon so also trying to sort out things for her. ben and I are thinking about going away for new years, maybe to paris or prague. it would be good for us both to get away but we need to see how he is feeling first before we rush into anything, travel or otherwise. the girls are starting to annoy me a little but only from their lack of cleanliness. everything needs a good mop and a  good hoover. I just can't do it all! so there needs to be some rules put down. Tyler and ben are staying tomorrow so that will be really nice, just the three musketeers again. I  love that boy to bits and no i don't know if it will last forever but I'm thankful for the days we do have and I'm excited to have a career in this industry, I want to make a dent on the world. even if its only a little one. 

Feels like forever since i wrote anything and thats ok cause life has been crazy, ben has glandular fever so that was a real scary moment and terrified the shit out of me. every time i go home i don't want to leave, i miss my mum and i miss cuddles, i mean don't get me wrong i miss dad too but he’s in London at the moment so i can't do much. bills and lulu are back together and trump won the American presidential election, so the fact that i have put this both in the same sentence should sum it up for you. he has to do what he has to do and i totally get that, but its hard to sit there and watch him. so yeah i miss reading and writing and being chill and calm and happy and waking up to wanting to enjoy myself. i feel like I'm so restricted with what i do, i don't really like it. the theatre school appears to be falling to pieces now that carol is leaving. I'm making mum a photo album. its taking a long time but we are getting there, her friends aren't being very cooperative at all and its really starting to wind me up. i think i need to see jayne soon and just clear the air, my head and my soul. I've been trying to meditate but i can't concentrate for lone enough i feel like the world is spinning too fast and I'm about to fall off at any given moment which is stressing me to say the least. my room is a tip and i need a break, desperately. i can feel myself burning out and getting tense and worked up about things that i really shouldn't be. maybe a dog walk will do it. i don't fancy going out at all tomorrow, i just can't be assed i want to go home and sit with my family and not say a word but just enjoy each others company and normalness. ugh i want to cry and be huggled.

i really feel like I'm drowning at the moment,i don't know what to do or how to do it, i feel like everyone is drifting away and I'm trying to smile but its just a huge distraction. Im sat at home, its lunch time and I'm trying not to cry, i don't even know what about but i feel exhausted, i feel like my world is crumbling and i feel like i won't be able to swim for much longer. I know that there is alot of change going on at the moment and i am trying to stay calm and embrace it, I'm just not very good at all of this and actually, change scares the living fucking  daylight out of me, a lot and a lot and a lot. I need a hug, i need a nap, i need a break and i need looking after. 

Ok so it's been a while since I wrote and Uni is really drowning me, so much info going in and not being retained at all, my life is bloody mental at the moment, mum and dad are still away and superman still has an abscess on his foot, it's been hard, I'm not really getting a break at all, I'm have this hideous cold, which is more like and allergic reaction to something, everything is so so itchy it's awful! The work load is ok, I'm not too keen lighting at the moment, it just feels boring, and not interesting, well at the moment it isn't. Sound is ok, I like the fact that you can play around and make different atmospheres with it, but again it's all very theatrey and I wasn't expecting that which was stupid cause it's a Theatre school! Props seems good, I'm really ready to get my hand stuck in with that and Carpentry, I wanna start making bits and bobs, I'm not too fussed about SM really, like it just seems like a lot of responsibility, and I don't trust myself with that at all! But hey ho, all the girls are lovely, we all get on really well and Ben is starting in the police soon so that will be lovely because he will be able to have a new start too and make new friends.

here’s to the future!