lailauni

ten simple phrases to look out for:

1. “I’m just vibing right now.”

Translation: I have no plan, and I don’t want one. But I’d like access to your time, energy, and body while I figure it out. Please hear the words. There’s a difference between a man who says, “I want to take my time getting to know you,” and one who says he’s just “vibing.” Those are two very different men. A vibe = no intention, no effort. F*ck the vibe. You’re the vibe.

2. “Let’s just go with the flow.”

First of all, my Black ass can’t swim, and I’m a Virgo. What flow am I going with? A man who wants you will be intentional. He won’t drift aimlessly, he’ll steer the ship toward making you his woman. If he’s “flowing,” ask yourself: do you want a man with no direction trying to lead you? The river leads nowhere, babe.

3. “You’re different.”

He says this to make you feel chosen without actually showing it. “Different” is vague, but it’s just enough to stroke your ego. Different how? Different from your usual type? Different because you can’t remember anything about me? If “different” is all you’ve got, you’re basic.

4. “I’m not looking for anything serious..but I really like being around you.”

Ah yes, emotional manipulation with a sprinkle of affection. These boys are glorified homeboys. He wants your energy, but none of the effort or responsibility that comes with actually nurturing you.

nothing could’ve pushed me away.

but i’ve realized, you didn’t want those things from me. you didn’t want me. i can’t make you feel the same. but i hope you find someone deserving. and i hope you never settle for someone who triggers your nervous system so much that you have to keep tabs on them via instagram. i hope you recognize your own power and beauty. i hope you stop settling for your comfort zone and reach for fulfillment. you are driven. you are strong. you are brilliant. you can achieve your artistic dreams.

you have no idea the power you truly hold. please figure it out soon.

especially since i won’t be around to remind you.

i’ve often been called anything but a child of God.

a diva, a brat, a bitch.

i’ve been told i’m ‘too much’, ‘dramatic’, ‘extra.’ i’ve been asked to dim down, keep quiet, suppress my true nature. people have insisted I stay lowkey, simple, basic like them. i can admit that i took up a lot of space without trying to do so.

it didn’t help that i wasn’t well received by the majority of my peers. i wasn’t the kid anyone wanted to hang without being friends with. I wasn’t the prettiest and i didn’t have the best body. it was hard to believe in myself because many people didn’t believe in me, or even give me a chance. i was very awkward, a bit annoying. unlovable. i longed for community and connection with others.

i couldn’t help but believe that something was wrong with me.

i didn’t want to be difficult, complicated or stand alone.

something i found myself doing often.

so i did the things that people insisted I do, in order to be more accepted. more valuable. i got to a point where i was trying so hard to adapt to whatever environment or lifestyle i was suddenly a part of that i let go of the things that made me special. i became a woman who had no idea who she was because i’d been living life on autopilot. i grew to resent myself, and everyone i once knew. a part of me wanted to be seen, but the greater part of me feared it because i remembered the times when i did stand out, and was often met with rejection or ridicule.

but i’ve recently learned, it’s better to be rejected by others than to reject my spirit.

in the past six months, i went through many unexpected losses and life changes. i could feel the shift happening. it’s still happening as i write this out. it’s the end of a two decade long cycle. the end of me going down a path i had no business being on, and conforming to a way of being that forces resistance because who i truly am is fighting to reveal herself.

spoiler: most of the things i discovered about myself, were rediscoveries of the things i loved to do growing up such as reading, writing, singing, cooking and styling.

i spent the majority of my life trying to be who i thought i needed to be to achieve the things i wanted. i tried to be the perfect girlfriend based on who i was dating. i tried to be the ideal employee and gave my all to a career path i didn’t deeply desire. i tried to be the friend people said i needed to be, even though those same people couldn’t be there in the ways i desired. i even tried to be the kind of writer and content creator i thought i needed to be to be successful and make strides, instead of just trusting who i am at the core.

trying to please people when i myself am not even pleased is crazy. people are going to think and feel whatever they want, regardless of what i do.

this doesn’t mean i wake up with the intention to provoke people, but it reminds me that i have free will, and i will freely and unapologetically be exactly who i am. the sun doesn’t stop shining just because some people prefer the moon. not everyone can handle the light, the heat, the brightness. 

not everyone can appreciate it. some people hide in the shade. 

some just look the other way.

a diva, much like the sun, doesn’t care who likes her and who doesn’t. a diva loves herself and knows her worth and purpose. she gives herself permission to be radical in expression and presence with her flair and essence.

she believes in herself enough to keep rising.

so in short, be who you are. 

better yet, be the baddest bitch you didn’t even know you were.