4 1 2 think

did i just hear what i saw?    seriously?   little guy, maybe 4-5 years old in Oregon, yes Oregon, appropriately dressed by an attentive parent for OREGON . . . cotton clothes under rain wear—he was  cute  dude  in  dapper Rubber Boots.   I failed to noticed the maker, had i my daughters along with me or my 1.50+ plastic glasses on, i could let you know what kind of boots. . . . these were boots were likely worth my next 5  lunches at Pizzicato. Let me  say . . . he was a zippy spiffy lad and hoppin’ hand holding’  his mother  from car into store doors . . . Subject of conversation: Mother was negotiating with him what he would earn by being a good boy and staying out of puddles.  Seriously?  I wanted to jump in a puddle and sing at her!!! “ hey look, this is NOT a big deal. Loss of a loved one to Cancer IS a big deal. How ya doin’ Momma? Your advice for a kid not to be a kid DISGUSTS me…”

MY dog IS a happy hoarder.

my dog is…..    a hoarder. i  grin as i admit it (my husband hates it) and …truth be known,  i  support his hoarding— i actually enable his access to supplies. ha. it’s true... and i am fine with that fact. maybe it is because i aint too shabby in the stored supplies  department myself...  i guess that little furry guy values his secret stash of organic bone treats, high corn content crappy crunchies, and old mcdonalds stuffed  toy prizes ( missing eyes & ears & popped seam stitches)... as i see it, don’t we all secretly love our little pile in the corner, bulging shelf in the basement, boxes in the  garage, messy spare room or basement where we can go get lost a few hours? our own secret stash ? ( i get the feeling you are nodding….i know my dog is nodding in agreement , perched atop a chair next to closely guarded colorful pile in the corner). ya never know when a cat might mosey by with some interest in the dog’s inventory….Cat Burglers! …we got two of ‘em around here. they are always into exploring the new crap we bring into the house. they sniff & walk on what ever they chose to... Cats are so cool.  I watch my schtuff like a hawk when the garbage can is running light for the week ... my spouse enters tidy-up mode. i have watched the whistlin’ fast walkin’ arm loaded dude pitch a roll of copper wire, a pile of excess handmade imported tiles and a baggy of 1960s neckties (garage sale purchase, such a deal i got that day ) like they were yesterday’s starbucks cup from my car console. I immediately need to tie the climbing rose with the copper wire, was “just gonna” put the tiles on etsy,  plus ca$h in on  those vintage neckties…wasn’t i? (fact: i have had those 3 items  the past 10 years front and center in the garage shelving, that 10 years is nearly  1/3 of our married life….yes 28+ years i have saved 1/4 box of left over spackle, the last 5 shims of the bundle, and every wheat back penny i run across…and gently worn shoes that didn’t fit are put in a box for "another day" around here.  If they "don’t fit, donate it" is painful to my ears!  i am a rebel to that line of thinking! I AM  the exact opposite of every one of my friends i have ever known. but there is answer to excess personal clutter that makes slobs like me a real conversation pig at  cocktail parties…….inventory + computer time= ca$h...  what?  E B A Y         SOLD on ebay:   last year’s model of calvin klein jeans new with tags will brought $30 . A birch burl bowl from Alaska =$130.  then  little table lamp from  1960s  sold  for $230.   I am fine with loot going out the door in a shipping box!  NO donating cast offs in my house...Are you intrigued?   i am not going to suggest my dog downsize his collection by opening an ebay store. I  see value  differently than most people. the older aint always the better in reaping the unexpected big bucks.  grandma’s old cut glass, floral victorian era lamp or handmade lace linens are not  hot selling  items. People buy for different reasons. The Mattel  toy kiddle doll from the 60s or the funkiest loudest geometric print necktie would likely bring more than something sparkly.  and….the sneaky items that soar with bids might be a 4 x 6 inch painting from goodwill  bought ONLY for the frame (became $1000+  painting from 1909 on ebay in 1 hour! a good day ) or the plastic bracelet with  ear wax color dots on black  brings a 3 way bidding war on ebay and $750+ unexpectedly——all of a sudden household crap of the hoarder becomes I N V E N T O R Y!!!!!  dear god, have i got inventory. and you know what? i DO NOT, absolutely DON’T, can NOT see, understand, compute or fathom this phrase my pals say to me:  ”how do you find enough to sell? i wanna do that!  i look around my house, i have nothing to sell” OK first of all. what is with the people who have no clutter, no mess, everything put away, ZERO excess. but then the have an alarmed house. go figure that one. My daughter hears a NY designer bought from me, actually several designers  left my ebay store feeling victory from buying a vintage treasure unlike any other out there listed for sale in ebay land. i, of course, am validated as a hoarder of funky junk because 3 items that went to NY and so cal  in the last year were a total cost of $2.75 ——brought in  $77. and bragging rights.  The die-hard collector  on ebay  asked odder questions bought  immediately got his  $18,000 painting for the $1000 from me  (i priced on a whim that it might “be something”…..uh, of course it was something…i paid a buck and getting a $1000 was just fine with me. I am happy for the guy who now owns it california—and scored in my ebay store….why i am i so happy for him? well, because he had an eye for the rare and unique valuable treasure. i am validated,  because i had it for 5 years before i listed it—asking for the moon, i thought, just in case it was rare and sought after artist. . . but best of all, the shelf where the painting sat is EMPTY! a fresh spot for  a little trinket from my next yard sale quest—i'll bring it in….hoard…and then sell….one day.  Oh what fun it is to have serious clutter.

There were frumpy fun moms with good giggles, big smiles and probably big ol' double digit clothing size...slurpin' big ol'  coffee drinks helping with dance team that day...but you know what else they had? BIG HEARTS for nervous girls readying for the competition. These fluffy soft moms gave encouraging words, warm hugs, lotsa snacks, ...and SMILES.  THAT IS what i am talking about. FEELS good.

Relocating dad's dead body last month was a joke. Actually, there was ZERO humor in 97225 zip code cemetary office that day, yet i left grinning. FACTS:  transport body from senior living facility less than 3 miles=$795. body refrigeration while family makes "arrangements"=$495. a day... Decide to cremate? add $2940...add simple $595. digging fee to open and close the soil area PLUS $2000 one time burial rental fee called "rites to site" to occupy plot  you paid $4000 for 3 years ago (planned ahead for up there in the nice" garden")  REALITY hits mom during soil conversation... as she mentions FUNERALS are morbid and the ground has worms and maggots...dorky dude in suit says " the plot has a gorgeous view up there on the hill" while handing yellow paper menu of fees for embalming $1200, body "finishing" $300+ to ready for event day, add on  $1200 fee to use facility. Order some flyers to hand guests while you are here today?  then we are prompted to be thinking of wording for headstone--- approximately $2000. Can we not have a headstone? yes. you CAN be buried unmarked.  ( not everybody has house numbers by their door)  QUESTION: are we building a condo on this lovely site ? is this really a $10,000 party? why is the creep  checking availability of a wall box called a "niche" for ashes by going into back room? is the wizard back there?people surely don't move out of a cemetery? (oh yes they do he said)... and why does he disappear to go "look up info" or go "talk to the boss" if he has been there years himself? Mom chose not to gamble big bucks and lose at local funeral home & cemetery that day. We became dead dad's voice, united in our mission for what was what he would do in this squeezing situation,  and announced loudly "we weren't suffering loss upon dad's death....until we got here!"   A) dying was a perfect ending to living 80 years for dad. we are happy he died actually. serious. B) we are not going to buy a morbid box  or corpse beauty service or book the funeral room  C) we can choose to cremate dad, from a company across town that is flat rate $495. D) we can transport the ashes home from the furnace place in a box we have chosen, giving dad a drive around town in his truck one last time E) and the next words shot outta mom like Joan Rivers on a cable TV rant ( Joan died within days of dad)....Mom told me  'death is personal. funerals are morbid. casket concept with cold wet ground after embalming and makeup is morose. the people that make the fussy altered voice  "LET ME KNOW IF THERE IS ANYTHING I CAN DO....anything just ask" comments are fake fake fake.... (do they do windows, gutters, and grout cleaning she asked me)...I don't want a bunch of flowers sitting in my home and to open mailbox, find sappy ugly card with sad words every other day. How can i be sad about a man's life going down hill after complications following  surgery? you can't have MRSA and a fever of 107 due to internal infection while your doctor is in Australia and end up healthy in the brain. so off to memory care for $6000 a month because you are too dangerous in your own home (no ability to self assess what is unsafe, no concept of time, clueless who is to be trusted, wants to drive cars, not able to process monetary value, socially awkward/off....) should i keep going? Ending up dead one day was definately not planned by dad nor would planning have made a difference. Dad was friendly,  fun & enjoyed a good deal...but Mom knew how to put him in his place. We got a good deal with dad in the end.