i sorta knew it was forever
I hate summer. Iām from an ever worsening climate disaster of a tropical paradise but you could call it what it is: a swamp. You and I always talk about how summers arenāt like they were when we were kidsāboth of us spending hours in different bodies of water and avoiding our moms with the sunscreen. Now itās hot. Itās humid. Itās disgusting. We call ourselves indoors kids with a sense of pride. Wake us up when the air is crisp, when you can wear clothing without sweating through it.
Yet thatās exactly where you came from, the heart of summer, an August Leo if I ever saw one. The summer before we met, I saw the movie BeginnersĀ (2011) in theatres one afternoon on my own, a revelation for many kinds of people but especially for me: a lonely only child who wasnāt sure what I was looking for. The movie put into words something I understood deep down: I wouldnāt settle for a giraffe or anything at allĀ except a lion. I had no idea what a lion was then but Iād know it when I saw it. Pretty soon, there you were.Ā
Falling in love is easy, especially with you. Iāve fallen in love with you more times than I can count. You are kind and generous and funny and brilliant. Youāre silly and gentle, youāre thoughtful and creative. Weāve spent almost 18 months constantly together and weāve had our testy moments but Iāve fallen in love with you for some reason or other every single day, in small mundane ways that feel altogether important, like the vegetables and fiber of our relationship. Putting together this mix, this project, this overwhelming behemoth of a birthday gift, has had me falling in love with you again every single time I heard from yet another person who loves and likes and respects and admires you. Seeing you not just from the perspective of being your wife or the person who sees you every day reminded me how special and incredible you are.Ā
Like I said, falling in love with you was easy, the most wonderful surprise of destiny; letting you know and love me every day was and is the most terrifying decision of my life.
you must decide to risk your heart for love to find you
I pushed all of my feelings down for years and smashed into other people without letting my walls down. It was huge and risky to even think about being vulnerable, asking for what I needed, opening up in ways where youāre not in control. Everyone jokes about the mortifying ordeal of being knownĀ but itās Ari Aster levels of horror for so many of us. I let you love me right away but did I let you fully know me in my messy and damaged and traumatized ways all the time? No. Do I even struggle with this now, with the fear that something will be the final straw that pushes you away? Absolutely. Itās a risk but itās worth it every single dayāyou are worth every risk, this is worth any risk.Ā
Iāve known you for all of your 30s. Iāve seen you become you but who am I kidding? Youāve always been you. Youāre just getting better, youāre getting more comfortable, youāre showing off as you run circles around the rest of us. We are not where we thought weād be a decade ago but somehow this is even better. It feels like a gift to face the completely unexpected again and again with you and not just get through it together but grow and become better together in the same direction, in ways that complement each other. I know itās because weāre lucky but I also know itās because we face whatever comes our wayāwe take the risk together, hand in hand.Ā You are my destiny but we are a decision we make every single day.Ā
I was a girl when we met. Maybe not technically but emotionally thatās where I was. A lot of loss, a lot of tough stuff, but still in a reactionary, defensive place about everything; itās something I occasionally struggle with still. You and I are not the people who say that one of us saved the other or even saved each otherāwe arenāt those people. But you are the person who told me I could save myself, who stood next to me as I figured out who I was and what I wanted. I donāt think I become who I am without you or at least not with this much love and this quickly. Thank you for loving me unconditionally; thank you for showing me what itās like to be loved unconditionally.Ā
You put this song on one of the first mixes you made me and I loved it. Youāve gifted me with so much perfect music over the years that this slipped into a pocket of my brain for a few years where I forgot about it. When it turned up in this monthās Peopleās Pop poll, it swam back to me and I remembered the very specific feeling of falling in love with you despite my past, my fears, my absolute terror of being hurt or harmed or just actually known. More than that, I remembered how lucky I am to even know you let alone go through life with you. The worldās on fire, a pandemic rages on, capitalism is destroying us all, but my life, our life, makes sense every single day I wake up with you. Youāre my summer, the one we used to have and love; now weāre together in the water, sun warm on our shoulders, avoiding the terror of being alive at this moment in history just for a little bit, just for a little longer.Ā
when youāre with me itās always summer