Espresso

- 23 years old

- poly/transmasc (he/it)

- traumagenic DID system

- artist

- singer

- writer

- huge fan of Danganronpa and bsd

I have recently gotten out of a very bad situation. I just ended a relationship of almost 5 years due to realizing I was being manipulated and that the person had groomed me. I also just got out of a really bad hoarding situation. This blog is to log my healing process of both new and older trauma. This blog might contain some heavy subject matter and I might not always give a trigger warning depending on my mental state, so be warned of that.

My ex-fiance very much just wanted to date another fem ciswoman and it was very obvious she really didn't like us unless we were dressing femininely or one of the parts with higher or more "girly" voice were fronting.

When I became host, I wasn't super comfortable in my skin and the one before me was super feminine. We had super long hair. I went and I chopped all off. I think it was at least 7 inches. Part of why I cut it is because I wasn't going to spend 45+ minutes on my hair because I just had to be born with thick multi textured hair. The other part was that I felt too much like a girl and I wanted to look more source adjacent (yeah, I'm that kind of cringe).

My ex got super upset at this but she was silent upset. It was one of those where if you were to ask if she was, she would say no, but you still knew she was. This is kinda when I could start to tell that she wasn't a fan of me.

I did a lot of things to try and get her attention since she seemed to ignore me a lot more than the others. I began to twist myself up a little bit more to try and find a type of me that she liked. I started wearing feminine clothes again, I opted for a more feminine cut after my old cut grew out. Slowly, I became a version of myself that I wasn't sure if I recognized anymore. But it just wasn't enough for her.

Throwing that aside, she would always refer to me as they/them (which aren't even one of my pronouns) around people and while it wouldn't have bothered me if she just called my her fiance, she never did. I was just her "partner." I would called her my fiance, girlfriend, wife because that's what I thought we were. I confronted her about this one day and asked her why she called me that, mainly because I was curious. She just said it's because "I'm her partner." I then asked her that if instead of saying that, if she could call me her boyfriend or husband like I did with her. She got really silent after that. Keep in mind, she could just call me her fiance and that would've been fine, but she always opted for gender neutral outside of that and that just...bothered me? She also never stopped calling me her partner. So.

I could tell after awhile that she really just wanted to be with another woman and that she was unhappy with me as a man. We had conversations about whether or not she was happy and she always said she was but I wasn't sure whether or not to believe her.

We're poly so I would tell her that if she wanted to, she should go on dates with other girls and meet new people, but she would just refuse.

Part of me wants to believe that she just wanted to be with me because I was very easy to control. It upsets me because she didn't see me as enough of a woman to be someone she wanted to be with, but I also wasn't enough of man for her to recognize me as one either. I was just

I don't know

I don't know what I was to her at all.

I woke up at around...5ish with the same issue. I need to keep this in with me so I can actually have what my body needs

Honestly I think the Akutagawa is my favorite. It's simpler than the other two but i think that's what I like about it. I can never decide what I want to do with his eyes. He's gotten at least 7 different variants now lmao

I think I made the front of Sasuke's hair a little too fluffy. He was the first one I drew so I feel he might be the jankiest. I didn't give enough to show his shoulders positioning either so it just looks like he's awkwardly slanted.

I wanted Shuichi to look kinda relieved but he really just seems to be in that fuckass front facing Danganronpa pose

Honestly I think the Akutagawa is my favorite. It's simpler than the other two but i think that's what I like about it. I can never decide what I want to do with his eyes. He's gotten at least 7 different variants now lmao

I think I made the front of Sasuke's hair a little too fluffy. He was the first one I drew so I feel he might be the jankiest. I didn't give enough to show his shoulders positioning either so it just looks like he's awkwardly slanted.

I wanted Shuichi to look kinda relieved but he really just seems to be in that fuckass front facing Danganronpa pose

I also really need my prescription order for blood work to come in too so I can get on track to start my new medication. Every time I think I'm getting out of this flare up, it comes back with a vengeance. I'm almost of the anti nausea so I'll probably have to figure out how to get more or something because it's the only reason I've been able to keep anything down. There's over the counter stuff, I just have to be careful about what because some of the things they put in them can my flare up worse.

I need to at least feel a little better by Saturday. I'm seeing my college friend that graduated. I haven't talked to her since her graduation since I got paranoid that I annoyed her (don't ask me my thought process, I get randomly scared that one person hates so I'll just stop speaking to them completely or cut conversations short until I can sort in my head). I also talk too much. But I reached out to her because I know she's living with her mom and evil man (mother's boyfriend) and I wanted to make sure she was okay.

She was really excited to hear from me again. We ended up talking about a lot of things and she invited me over. Despite what's been going on at her home, she did move into a new place and her room is a lot bigger and she wants to show me. We're gonna watch Frieren and then play more Danganronpa because I'm trying to get her through the games. She's really chill so she doesn't complain about the content of the game like a weenie hut. Also, it's just nice to have someone actually care about my interests.

That's what's been odd about moving and also being friends with people outside of my ex and old roommate. They would not pay attention to ANYTHING I showed them, but they sure as hell wanted me to pay attention to their favorite media. Which I did, because that's what you do for people you love. I didn't like everything that was shown to me, but I paid attention regardless.

I think one of my final straw when showing my ex Danganronpa was during a class trial, she was having a hard time figuring out what exactly she was supposed to do. During these moments, I would play the game for her because I'm not gonna make someone suffer through this game; I want them to have fun! And so when I completed it for her I looked over and.

She was on her FUCKING PHONE. I hate people who can't put their phone down ever. The only person I know can actually multitask with his phone is my roommate and also he puts it down when I'm showing him something because. Again. Full attention. My ex was always on that damn phone and then she would complain that she didn't know what was going on!

My old roommate did the same bullshit too!!! She would play fucking Roblox when we were watching shows together!!!

I also have different beef with my old roommate because she liked drag race and because RuPaul is transphobic, I told her to please not watch it when I'm in the room and also politely declined watching the show with her.

We got into an argument about whether or not he's transphobic. This girl is cis. It's not up to her to decide MY OPINION AS A TRANS PERSON.

"He apologized!!" SILENCE CISSY.

This morning my boyfriend started scream crying because he found out that his mom was the reason his dad couldn't go to rehab and get better which led to his early death.

My boyfriend's dad passed away from cirrhosis of the liver in 2022 due to him abusing alcohol for many years. That man was trapped in a horrible, abusive relationship with his wife for years.

There is so much to say, so this might be very jumbled, but I think that's okay.

After my boyfriend's dad died, his mom walked out on him and his siblings. He was 22 years old. While he was in the hospital with his dad, she didn't call, she didn't text, she was completely MIA while her children were suffering. My boyfriend called his mom multiple times and texted her but she never replied. She didn't even show up to his funeral to help support her kids and their emotions.

She came back after the entire situation had blown over. She would send texts to my boyfriend and his siblings about how much she "loved" them and "missed" them. She would send them letters with stickers in it talking about how she was getting help and "finding God." His younger sibling told her to text him again when she felt like being a mom again (which made her ghost him immediately) and the only reason my boyfriend kept contact with her was being he was trying to get things sorted with their house out as well as the car that was now in his mother's name. His dad wasn't able to switch over the power of attorney before he died (he had been changing things around near the end, since we all speculated that he knew he was going to die, to make sure that his children got everything an not their mother). His older sibling just blocked her because she didn't want to deal with it at all.

Near the end of his dad's and this woman's relationship, he was paying for HER to go to rehab and get better since it was important to him that she got better. He loved this woman very much unfortunately. There, she found a man named Travis and decided that she actually wanted to be with this man instead of her own husband. She told my boyfriend's dad that she was going to get married to Travis and antagonized him with this information.

Travis was a horrible man. In that time, my boyfriend's dad had to put padlocks on the house because this man kept threatening him and his children, which, I guess my boyfriend's mom was just okay with. Both of them were antagonizing his father throughout this relationship.

In the midst of all of that too, his dad was trying to get a divorce with this woman. He kept telling her to sign the papers so they could get it over with, but she refused or found a way out of it. She did this because she wanted $50,000 and the house, which, he very much did not have. I think he knew that she wasn't going to sign those people either which is part of why he started changing the power of attorney.

After things fell through with her and Travis, my boyfriend's cheating, drug head, drunkard mother moved back in with them and then would cry, to her husband mind you, that Travis was horrible to her. Travis had also relapsed, which is why they tell you not to make friends like that at rehab.

The reason why my boyfriend's dad was unable to go to rehab was because, since it was time consuming, his mom was threatening to take his children away from him. At the time, my boyfriend's youngest sibling was around 15-16. She was threatening his dad with everything and scaring him into his biggest fears which was losing his children.

This woman took as much as she could from my boyfriend and his family. She screwed him and his siblings out of $100,000 because when his dad would give her money to pay the premium, she would pocket it instead. She just took and took and took. His dad was flat broken when he died.

This isn't even all of it, there is just too much to go through with this. We are gathering evidence with my boyfriend's grandparents to try and see if we all can sue her for emotional damages. It sounds crazy but genuinely, this woman needs her karma. She needs to know that she ruined an entire family, her family, the family she supposedly loves.

I'm really tired and still angry over it but I think sleeping finally will help. Typing it out helped a little bit.

I'm so out of practice but the muscle memory is still there and I feel bad because he also had the game as a kid and because of that, felt he was not that good. Objectively, he is better than me because I was a stupid child that couldn't think outside of the box. Please don't feel bad! I didn't even know people didn't play the game that way 😭😭😭

I was also super autistic and almost completely 100%'d that game. That was the main game I played for 2 years. I had other games, but I would play for an hour, get bored and then hop back on to Mirai. I would ignore phone calls with my friends to play that game. I wouldn't go outside. Bro, I was a chud and you were experiencing an actual social life 😭😭😭

It's not like this for any of the other games in the Diva series, only Mirai. I can play Project Diva with two hands, I PREFER TO PLAY WITH TWO HANDS, but every time I try to play Mirai with both, my brain short circuits and then suddenly I'm only playing with one hand again. This stunted me really bad when I did make the switch to Diva where there were vastly harder songs. I had to start from ground up and learn to double hand; he was already button mashing for YEARS.