Elienay

Today my mom woke me up at 6:40 via a phone call because she was leaving for work as well as my stepdad, she called me to wake me up and so i could go to her room and sleep there so i could be with my baby sister when she woke up. I fell asleep around 4 am so i was extremely tired. From 7 am to 8:30 i was basically in a half sleeping half awake state because my sister ended up waking up at 7, but like i said i was extremely tired because i had went to bed late. Anywho i would wake up or come out of my sleeping like state to make sure my sister doesn't throw herself off the bed since she's been doing that often for some reason lol. When i decided that it was too much of a risk i took her to the living room where she can just chill while i fell asleep on the couch. She started crying so i finally woke up with the intention of staying up instead of falling right back asleep, i chnaged her diaper cooked her some food and gave her a bottle. she fell asleep around 9 and then the patter repeated one more time until my mom came home around 4.

after my mom came home and we talked for a bit and in said conversation my mom told me that she was mad at her husband because they had fought early in the morning. He apparently got mad when he asked my mom when id be coming out of my room to take care of the baby and she said that shed call me to change rooms like she does once in a while. He got mad at her because when he stayed home with the baby a while ago he stayed up at 6 am taking care of her and he had gone to bed late, my mom said that going to bed late was on him and the only reason he stayed up at 6 with the baby was because the baby woke up, she's not going to wake up the baby so i stay up thats preposterous, and she also told him that im doing them a favor because him staying up with the baby is an expected of him as the father and it's his responsability, I'm doing them a favor.

Im really glad she stood up to him about this because theres aleways been tension between the 3 of us regarding household chores and expectations, my mom is now defending me because a while ago we had a big fight about her not letting me go out and expecting me to be like a maid, doing dishes when i didn't cook or she didn't cook for me and how i was expected to take care of the baby even when her husband was there. i brought up how when she has the baby and she has to do something shell hand the baby to me when her husband is just as available and one time when i had a friend over she tried to hand the baby to ME while i was busy with my friend meanwhile her husband was playing video game. i've never been one to stand up for myself or defend myself against my mom but once she realized she was doing this she apologized profusely and stopped expecting so much from me.

i didn't say much about the situation other than to say how ridiculous it was that he expected me to stay up at 6 am during my summer vacation on my day off. After all I am indeed, doing them a favor.

after that conversation I spent time in my room and basically bed rotted, I called my boyfriend and my friends and I was super hoary because I felt fresh after my shower and was laying down in my organized room. my friend helped me set up a SpaceHey profile, well its as old as this one but I had completely forgotten about it and I spent my time on call with my friend coding a new layout and shit. After the whole coding-my-spacehey account I got a call from my boyfriend and showed him and yada yada. We face timed and he said very nice things about me and made me blush and then we did our usual banter and flirted and things got a little horny at some point but it was nothing, just teasing.

then we were talking about nothing and I told him about the fight my mom had with my stepdad and now he dislikes him more lol. he's met him one time but I complain about my step dad a lot to the point where he's really put off by him.

he went to bed early because he's like that and i'm still awake because I'm me.

Fawkkkkk. I finally have motivation to write my blogs again.

so today I got woken up by my mom because I'm babysitting my sister, this was around 9 am or something. My mom left for her work around 6 am and she called me because my step dad was about to leave his job and he doesn't come to my room nor did he want to wake me up so yk my mom had to call me to wake me up. I had fallen asleep around 3 am dam near 4 am so I did not want to wake up. I spent a lot of the day doing a bunch of nothing with my sister, we just hung out or whatever but I guess its kind of weird to say "yeah I was just hanging out with a 9 month old" lol.

My mom came home from work at like 2 and after that I started getting ready to go to my friends house because she wanted to cook something (pollo con tajadas, its a Honduran food and she was craving it despite being Salvadorian) I wanted to take my scooter there because I wanted to enjoy a little time by myself because it's my day off and I like to isolate myself on my days off because most of my job is talking to people and being around people, things I don't like to do when I don't feel like and most of the time I don't feel like doing any of that. she didn't let me though because it was raining and what not which spoiled my mood a little bit, while on the way to my friends house she asked if my friend would want my mom to drive us to the supermarket because we had to buy chicken and I didn't want to because I wanted to walk, I like walking if you couldn't tell and I really enjoy sceneries so walking to errands its therapeutic to me but my mom was just on me about it because it was slightly drizzling. she ended up giving us a ride but only because my friend wanted her to, my mom wanted to give us a ride back but I shut that down and got out the car and onto the supermarket. the supermarket we went to is also my job so I wanted to get in and out quickly, we managed to buy the stuff we needed and some more and after we left my job we went to a beauty supply store that is a few stores away from the supermarket. She bought edge control and I bough my summer base as well as contour and nair. I've been meaning to buy hair for a while but I just keep forgetting and I never knew where to buy it. I go to the beauty supply to buy make up sometimes, I just started wearing make up recently, and to buy hair dye and all of those things are by the front of the store and I never went deeper until my friend went to the back to look for something.

after leaving the beauty supply store we headed to her house and while walking there we talked about two separate friends of her who were in a couple until a few days ago, reached out to her. The girl had cut contact off with my friend, Zuleymi, because she thought Zule wanted her man. As if! her man is probably the one that wanted her, he wants any girl that showed him attention he even tried it with me but I thought he was creepy so I didn't even entertain it. Mind you Zuleymi was the one that put the girl, idk her name, onto the guy whose name is something like Damason so I don't know why she had her panties in a twist about Zuleymi wanting her. anyway they both reached out to her for different reasons, the gurl reached out to apologize for cutting her off and he reached out to Zuleymi to hang out, I presume he's trying to hit on her or something. the drama was at the start of this year and I completely forgot about it. we also talked about how her and tis guy she's been on and off for months fucked and how his mom got mad because he came home with hickeys on his neck after it. She told me that it was good and that he left hickeys on her titties but then we got to her house and had to stop talking about the subject because her step dad was home as well as her younger sister and she didn't want to talk about that there and possibly get in trouble. we ate ice cream and we talked about the previous subject more in her room and she showed me the hickeys which were pretty dark and bruised.

after that we started prepping the food which was a ,little hard because I've never cooked in anyones kitchen but mine and she didn't have a lot of the stuff I use for cooking, she also doesn't know how to cook for hit and didn't know here a lot of the stuff I needed was so that was a hassle. Frying chicken takes a while so we'd go to her room and talk about the freaky stuff her and her man (not) did and how complicated things are with him. At some point he sent her a picture of the hickey she left and then she sent him a picture of the one he left on her. She took multiple shots to get the right one while I helped her, I ended up seeing her nipples and everything because she was set on sending him the right picture.

after eating the food I wanted to throw it up. I've been struggling with that for a while now, it used to be really bad from 2019-2023 but then I wouldn't say I got better but It was over shadowed by other fucked up stuff in my life but recently its come back and I'm trying to deal with it but it's really hard when all I see when I look in the mirror is a disgusting blob. I feel like I'm too self aware and too self conscious of the way I look and sound and today I was so hyper aware of those stuff and it was horrible. but I just couldn't find a moment to slip out and throw it all up. as i'm writing this blog I quite literally feel the vomit in my throat and it wants to come out so bad but Im fighting the urge to do it so bad.

All of these came to mind as I was eating the food and then when we were laying down in her bed afterwards.one of our mutual friends texted her asking if she wanted to take a walk with him, they live really close to each other and apparently they do this often but they're not close like at all so it struck me as odd but oh well. When we came out he was already waiting for us and he was pleased to see me, for some reason he thought I drove a long way to be there even though I live less than a 10 minute drive from their house. on our walk I asked Mauricio about his girlfriend and how things are going. I like Mauricio a lot he's a very genuine guy, and that's his flaw. he's a poet and a hopeless romantic and his girlfriend is super nice but I'm skeptical of her because she once told Zuleymi she didn't like Mauricio and didn't see herself dating him, she said this even though Mauricio had told her that he liked her and she told him that she liked him too. Mauricio has a job and again, he's a hopeless romantic, so he spent money on her, I think that's the reason she likes him but I hope I'm mistaken. we also talked about our jobs and how much I hate mine and how I'm actively looking for a new one.

After our walk me and Zuleymi went to her room and dooms scrolled on our phones and then damn near fell asleep, if it wasn't for the fact that I needed to go home soon I would've been knocked out.

When my mom picked me up we didn't really talk much but we did have a pleasant conversation and at the end of the ride my mom made me stay in the car because a song came up and it was aparently Mike Tysons favorite song. ??? I don't even know how she knows Mike Tyson.

At home I just spent time with my sister because I just love her so much and then my mom went to my room to put lashes on because I wear clusters and I guess she wanted to wear some.

After she was done we were just talking and then a fly came by and my mom has a deep hatred for flies so she immediately grabbed the electric fly swatter and spent like 10 minutes trying to kill it, I don't care for flies but she really dislikes them, she also dislikes rats a lot she has a genuine fear for them so I asked her which one she hates more and she said flies. I asked her why she hated flies so much and she told me the story of why she abhors them so much and it went like this; We were still living in Honduras and there was nothing to eat, my dads mom sent some money form the states to buy food and my mom bought ground beef. Her and her sister went out to buy something to drink and accidentally left the meat uncovered, when they came back the meat was covered in flies and their disgusting eggs leaving us to starve for a day or two. Valid response.

After my mom left my room I called my boyfriend as I wrote my blog and told him about my day and just a few minutes ago he helped me finally put a good quality wallpaper on this computer because literally any photo I tried the quality was so bad, it got on my nerves. I ended up using the default wallpapers until just now so yay! we also talked about how lilies are toxic to cats and dinosaurs and skin wrapping and in inaccuracy of some dinosaur species, this led us to talk about archeologist and I realized that that's something I would be so interested in. Especially writing research papers on my discoveries and the historical context of it all.

I really wish I could just do it right now though.

But it was a bad day, last time I seriously thought about killing myself was when I was in my bath tube thinking that the day I had that day was so good, I was so happy throughout the day and hung out with friends and talked to loved ones that as I was laying in that bath tube I unconsciously started to submerge myself under water thinking that I would be satisfied if my life ended right there and there.

I didn’t want to die because I was depressed, quite the opposite, I wanted to die because I felt genuine happiness that I wanted to conserve it as my last memory on earth because for about a year all I felt was nothing but misery and despair.

I’m like super tired so no long blog today. All I did was wake up at 12 dye my hair, had a small argument with my boyfriend about him suddenly going awol, went to work at 3, finally finished solitaire, and then walked home from work.

It’s not that I’m tired it’s that have a migraine, I’ve been suffering from migraines since I was little and they’re super bad I honestly want to smash my head with a hammer.

I didn’t do anything for the fourth since I’m not American lol I do live here but I’m pretty pathetic and boring that even holidays are still very mundane days to me.

So today was a bit of a shitty day, mostly because it was laundry day and I wholeheartedly believe doing laundry and folding clothes is a form of self harm.

This is how the day started, I forced myself to wake up at 10am because I desperately needed to do laundry because I had NO clothes go wear so the day before I asked my mom to take me to the laundry mat. ay had to be early in the morning because I work at 3 and I didn't want to be rushing and shit. My mom was taking her sweet time and it pissed me off because it meant more time at the laundry mat in this hot ass heat. she just ughhhhhhhh she literally has no consideration for my time or my relationships but like I said I don't want to get into all that. I end up finishing the laundry at 12:50pm and I want to shower so bad because its hot as hell, she then says "can we stop by the supermarket I have to buy some stuff if we go now I'll probably ;eave at like 1:30-1:40. Im IRRITATED. I want time to relax before and I don't want to rush so she gives me another option, she'll drop me home but I have to stay with my baby sister. I hated this option but I hated the other one more so I said "fine I'll go home and look after the baby" so I did and she ended dup coming home at 2:20. I was livid because I took a shower but I didn't even have time to style my hair or do my makeup while waiting for her because the baby wouldn't stop kicking and screaming it was so annoying. to save you the trouble I was annoyed for the majority of the day.

I get to work, I'm in front of the tv again which means I get to see today's games upfront which, yahoo! I forgot what game was playing when I got there bit there were 2 other matches today, one I'm pretty sure its still going (Ghana vs Colombia game) and the one I bet on was the Cape Verde Vs Argentina, Im not a big fan of Argentina and its citizens and I had faith in Cape Verde so I bet for Cape Verde. I ended up losing but it was just 2 bucks since I'm pretty broke and cant bet much money smh. I was mad that Cape Verde lost because I don't want Argentinians in my screen longer than they need to be, I also believe the rumors that the games are scripted because there's no way Cape Verde lost I'm still upset by that. This whole cape verde thing was after 6, I want to talk a little before that which is my 30 minute break (ended up taking 40 minutes instead because I found out a few of may coworkers took extra time on their breaks so I did it for the first time lols)

On my break, right before clocking out I talked to one of my coworker and I was asking him when he'll have the wax I've been asking him for over a month now and he just said that he's waiting on a shipment. whatever. he asks me if I want anything to eat and I can already sense he'll ask to go eat with him so I just say yeah I'm going to get a pizza by myself right now. I go buy my pizza and come back to go to the break room where he's at, he doesn't bother me for much of my meal but towards the end he makes small talk and it develops into a bigger talk.

the conversation starts with him tagging (he's a graffiti artists) my empty pizza box and I ask him to do my name in graffiti form and he does. the conversation then goes from that to lost passions, me losing my love for art and writing, him losing his love for skating and other things. I also learn more things about him, he had leukemia and survived. I applaud him for that and said I'm glad you're better. I didn't know what else to say, I never know how to react to others tragedies despite experiencing them a whole lot in my life. He told me that he has had around 5 surgeries and I briefly mentioned that I have also had a lot of procedures but didn't want to make it about myself so I kept it brief. we talked a lot but I don't remember a lot of it. I'm never fully present with someone, especially at work.

throughout this whole day I didn't talk to my boyfriend once. we had like a 10 minute conversation (text) when I was at the laundry mat and he mentioned that he was going to be busy. he said he was going to see fireworks with his family around 9, I asked him if this meant that we couldn't talk for the whole day and he said "probably" which I was confused because there's no way you can't even sneak a text throughout the day but okay. He said and PROMISED he was going to call me at 5:30 and he never did literally did not text me until 10:20 while I was omw home from work. I was already mad because I hate my manager and my job and everything about that place and I had to close, and honestly getting a text back after so long felt disrespectful. I was mad at him and we argued over text for a while before I just stopped and said goodnight.

I wrote: I'm going to bed

Goodnight.

Love you.