3llen

“Getting your shit together requires a level of honesty you can’t even imagine. There’s nothing easy about realizing you’re the one that’s been holding you back this whole time.”

… all my adult life I’d been privately sustained by that great, hidden, savage joy: the conviction that my whole life was balanced atop a secret that might at any moment blow it apart.

It terrifies me how sure I am of you. I’ve been ambivalent about everything my entire life; I’ve never been sure about my relationships with other people. At times I think I want them close, but then I can’t shake the fear of becoming too dependent on a person, and I drive them away. I’ve never been sure about whether or not I’m a good person, or if people just decide to excuse my destructive decisions because they know that I have a frequent and dangerous tendency to stumble over the disorder of thoughts in my head, and that it can take me a while to get back on my feet. But with you it’s different. There is no contemplation, there is no indecision. I know that I will always choose you and that scares me to the point where even hearing your name causes my heart to pound and my hands to shake. I think the reason I’m so certain of you is because that kind of acute exhilaration is both unfamiliar and incredible, and no one else has ever made me feel like this. And I don’t want anyone else to make me feel this way except for you.

You.

There’s something daring about holding eye contact because it’s no longer a “my eyes fell on you by accident”, but rather something else.

It is late now, I am a bit tired; the sky is irritated by stars. And I love you, I love you, I love you – and perhaps this is how the whole enormous world, shining all over, can be created – out of five vowels and three consonants.