IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME

but i feel something new

i feel fine

i feel relief

i can rid myself of living life for other people

i am happy how this turned out

because now i can focus on finding my person

Too late to turn back now

Spent the evening crying

Maybe I need a little break

I’m starting feel a little crazy

It hurts a bit to feel the way my heart aches

I need to put myself in time out

I need to grab my hopes down from the moon

I’m lovesick I feel it, I’m love hungover

I’m losing my mind just thinking of you

Ya I don’t wanna talk to nobody but you

Sun setting on his face, breathe at a peaceful pace

And we spend our days yapping away about love

Force myself to look away, tongue tied with so much to say

I call you a catch and I say it again so I know that you heard me

Then under your breath, say my old guy must have been something to be so worthy

And I’ve never felt anything quite this pure bliss before

Laying next to you, I’ve never wanted to touch someone more

My heads sinks down as I curl up

You move in close to me, so close we almost touch

My hand flirts with yours and I wish you would make a move

These days all I want to do is talk to you

Come undone and melt into you

These days all I want is you

I think I over shared again

Didn’t even say what I really wanted to

Already you ran and hid

…

I think it’s my purpose, to care too much

To show up for everyone, give all my love

And on the reverse, I think it’s my curse

To never be understood, to never be loved like that

It’s all I want, all I long for

Something I need, something I’m not sure

I can ever received, I can ever achieve

I love you I love everyone

It’s so refreshing to let it go

I tell him about myself, I can’t undo it

I trust him and I tell him that, in so many words

…

Yesterday I didn’t feel the pull towards him

But I also didn’t pull away

I told him that I’d talk to him about anything

And then I had so much to say

I told him I feel like he understands

Whatever I might think about

If four what I’m trying to say

Now sunlight spills into my bedroom

And I’m still lying awake

Because I’m thinking that it’s special

Ya I’m thinking that it’s fate

And at the least a soul connection, a friendship for all times

I love it I love it I love it I love it

I’m happy I’m free I’m alive

Idk if it’s all in my head

I look up at you and I think you see it in my eyes

Sit closer to me, let our thighs touch

I feel electric when you’re with me

Stand next to me, so close I can’t breathe

In a room with all this space

Surely we need to be this close together

I answer questions away from you

And you lean in so your eyes can find mine

He touches me and I melt

I never know if it’s on purpose

But I expect to some extent it is

Today it was extra electric

I felt a spark for the first time, used to just be butterflies before

The two of us so close on one long couch

I wanted to kiss him so bad

I actually turned my brain off from the moment for a second and imagined her face if we just started making out

Idk what came over me

Ugh am I cooked

I just want to talk to him

Be with him, walk with him

Ugh i just want him now

I was never sure before this

I don’t wanna go home now

Guarding your thoughts so I don’t know but somehow still I do

…

You watched me in the glass when he came to talk to me

He tapped my arm and you file that as information that you keep

You let me know

I do it all the time

But I guess it’s all just in my head

I do that every time

But it all feels lighter now

Everything fades from blue

To the perfect 9 pm sunset

And chatting through the afternoon

With you

And I’ll tell all my secrets

If I’m asked in the right way

God I want to impress you

But don’t know which words to say

I feel powerful now, stronger

Than I’ve felt in quite a while

Because I feel all the affection

You try to hide behind your smile

And after all the time I spent in prison

The very one I built by hand

I’m taking hammers to the walls now

And breathing fresh air again

And after all

After all

After all this time spent hoping for you

Could it be that here you are?

After all

After all the heartbreak and the sorrow

Am I finally done now, moving on?

It’ll always be there for you

Love from me is not contingent

I need to do something

I need to fight for myself

I need help I need help

I’m sinking

And I never even got it

And now all I want, with every fibre of my being, is to never have wanted this at all.

…

How does this still impact my whole life?

I don’t know if I will ever be the same again.

I don’t know how i can ever get myself back to good? Let alone normal.

And it’s always the worst times. My big moments, when I’m already down, it’s always when I see things I shouldn’t have.

…

Can’t I just be positive, let it all roll off my back

Can’t I just be happy???? Please please please

I don’t know how to figure this out

I’m afraid I’ll waste my whole life trying.

I love who I am so much

I love the people in my life

I love life

The sun is setting, flirting with the buildings on the skyline

Rays twinkling up at the few clouds above it

The sky streams in colour, the vibrancy is breathtaking

And I know it’s God. Only god could catch my breath like this.

How can I be afraid when God is on my side? How can I be scared when God is on my side.

I sit and I pray, I face the window and I talk to God.

I do this every time I see a sunset here.

I am so thankful, I am so grateful.

I feel unstable

So hopeful, hopeless

I can never make up my own mind

This is what I mean when it doesn’t make sense

I don’t know how to do anything at all

I don’t know how love is what left me feeling so heavy

My love for the world and all the people in it

I think right now I could sink all the way down tot he bottom of the sea

I don’t think it makes sense, because, logically, I’ve been doing better than I have been in a long time

And logically, I should have the time and space to finally figure myself out

But unfortunately, none of it is making sense to the reality of how I’m feeling

I just feel like I’m regressing

I tell my therapist that I’ve tried everything I can think of? But I’m stuck and I’m more sad than I’ve ever been

She tells me she believes me when I say I’m a happy person and she thinks I can try some things

But she can’t tell me what

All I want to do is figure out what’s wrong and throw it as far away from me as possible

My heart is too deep, my love is too vast

I don’t think I was made for this world

I think I spend more time in my own mind than anyone was ever meant to

I love life so much, I love people, I love the beauty in the everyday

I am so easy to please, the smallest things light me up with joy

I am so grateful to be in this beautiful world

That’s why the juxtaposition is so confusing

The smallest things set off my tears too

I don’t know what to do

I’m afraid I’ll never be the same

I’m afraid all the good that’s left in me is gone

I’m not the same person I was, for better or for worse

But I don’t care about that really

I just care if I’m happy? If I spread love? If I’m a good person

I talk to God so much, I used to just pray for everyone else

My heart was bigger than I think

Now I still pray for everyone, but myself too and it feels selfish

And it’s not even like I know what to say

I sit overwhelm and want God to sort through my thoughts for me

I guess that really selfish

But sometimes God is all I have, especially when I need someone desperately

I don’t know what I’ll do

I don’t know what I’ll do

I don’t know how to keep going without everyone

I don’t want to be sad anymore

But I’ve tried everything I can think of

I’ve talked to everyone I can think of

No one really wants anything to do with it

I don’t blame them, I don’t want that either

I just want to be happy, please

I want to go back before I met him. I’m not unhappy because of meeting him. But I don’t think my heart will ever be the same and it hurts so fucking much still. STILL? That shit pmo

And the fact that it means nothing hurts more than

I just don’t know what to do

I’ve prayed abt it so much

And prayed that when he moves on, he can heal and let the love in that he deserves

I want the best for him too

I want the best for me too

I don’t know what to do

The whole world is too much to think about

I just want to be happy

I just want to feel inspired

I just want to give love to everyone that needs it

I dont know what to do

I don’t want to waste all my time in my own head

I don’t want to waste my time being sad but I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m so scared that I’ll always be like this. I don’t know how to be the person I think I am

Please understand.