i wrote this instead of sleeping

your hand in mine my cheek to your shoulder i asked you not to let me go you didn't

I want the feeling of being in a dark room with all your friends screaming the lyrics to some top 40 song I want the feeling of walking into the ocean with the sun on everything and the wind in your hair of laughing so hard it hurts your stomach and your cheeks from some stupid thing someone said or did of waking up slowly to birds of being young and alive and unknowing  I want to hold on to that feeling and pull it close and hug it tight and keep it right next to my heart. I don't want to just remember it, I want to live it.

It was the weirdest thing: we were only strangers at the end.

I am tired of being bitter and angry and spiteful of wishing someone pain because of the pain they've caused me of wanting them to miss me of needing some kind of justice, the type that says you don't get to wipe my blood off your knife I'm tired of holding on to mistakes made and friendships lost and pointing fingers and placing blame There is truth to forgiving and forgetting, and if I can't do both, or even one, at least do them each halfway.

'Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me'.  But I keep being disappointed over and over, again and again and I'm tired of it being my fault.

'If the person who knows me best walked away from me, what does that say about my chances at love?' 'It means you weren't meant to be loved by them.'

Every conversation feels like a confrontation I'm trying not to say words I can't take back, but everything that comes out of my mouth sounds like an attack The defences go up, and I'm so sorry for the walls - but honestly, I can't recall the last time I felt relaxed when I talk to you. I wonder who  is in the wrong, or maybe there isn't a wrong, maybe there's just no right, like an unfinished song that doesn't rhyme at the end.

I hope I'm not a monster in your head I hope I don't become one of your ghosts I hope you keep that photo of me I hope you remember me with fondness I hope I never appear in your bad dreams I hope my name isn't in your mind when you think about regret I hope you never have to miss me

Keep your heart soft, and your mind open. They can take away your naivety but never your innocence.