j ✮⋆˙

And well rehearsed.

Highly decorated with a badge that reads,

“It could be worse.”

I have a hole in my heart,

And it’s shaped just like you.

Orange glasses

Blonde hair

And a smattering of tattoos.

I have a hole in my heart,

And it’s shaped just like you,

You’re not here but i know

We’re staring at the same moon.

I have a hole in my heart,

And it’s frozen in time.

It’s not getting bigger,

But it’s got its own mind.

It’s angry, and vicious,

Putting my worst fears on rewind.

I’m tired, and listless,

I’m out of my mind.

I have a hole in my heart,

And it’s shaped just like you.

Cigarette smoke in the air

Your skin turning blue.

Last night, as I laid in my bed,

This strange sound rose out of my chest.

I wanted to be motionless -

No, I wanted to be dead -

But my dumb heart kept right on beating.

12/8/18

If you’re thinking of me, just send me a text.

I know you are, cause there’s a hiccup in my chest.

As long ago told in a Nepali legend,

A hiccup is a sign someone’s wishing for your presence.

If you’re thinking of me, just let me know.

I harbor grudges, and I can’t let them go,

But I’m trying to move on and let the past be the past,

Cause all I’ve ever wanted is this good feeling to last.

If you’re thinking of me, just give me a sign.

I’ll be up writing poetry, manifesting all night.

I’ll be up until 5 am, writing in the dark.

Singing prayers that you won’t tear open my heart.

If you’re thinking of me, just send me a text.

It’s crazy to be missing a guy I’ve never met.

But you’re funny and sweet and I’ve got you stuck in my head.

And late at night, I dream about having you in my bed.

I think about you still, wherever you are.

Your initials are scarred on the muscles in my still-beating heart.

With you, I forced myself to lie and play the part.

Without you, I had to figure out where I end and where I start.

I know what you said about me to your eager, attentive nation,

And that you create weaving tales rife with themes of desperation.

I know you use death as a tool of manipulation,

But I know I'm not the only one who sees right through every explanation.

I remember how you lovingly glamorized the media that you consumed online,

Mostly all that of the tumblr grunge, manic pixie dream girl kind.

I remember the first day you showed up at school with an arm full of lines,

How you proudly proclaimed to the world that you truly lost your mind.

You counted calories of our meals at every goddamn lunch,

And you marked down and snarked about every fucking Lays chip that I crunched.

I didn't know what it was back then, but I always had a hunch

You would move on to a new perceived slight by the very next month.

I remember how you willfully drove such a deep wedge;

How you left me behind, not a single word said.

But you wanted her so badly that you took me back into your bed,

And you were so skilled at playing pretend, as if I was ever truly your friend.

I remember how upset you were when we finally took action,

Because I know now you spin those stories for the sympathy and the attention.

You act like there's nothing more than a black and white reflection,

But your true self shines through, and you're full of self-satisfaction.

And god, I thought I've been stuck in past, but it's nothing compared to you.

You're still talking shit with your friends about people in your past that you once knew.

Carefully planting every buzzword like terrible, narcissistic, and abuse.

I hope one day they learn that it's all just a fucking ruse.

I think about you still, wherever you are,

Cause you shaped me to downplay tragedies of the heart.

I still write, listen to Halsey, and always press restart.

But I've grown up, and you haven't - that's the truth, however tart.

8/16/24

I remember your smile; there was nothing quite like it. The glow of your cheeks and the warmth of your beating heart. Your teeth shined, your eyes twinkled, and it was all for me. I remember it like it was yesterday.

But it's been far over a year since the last time I saw that radiant grin. Your fallen face overwhelms it in my memory. Anxiously moving your fingers, fiddling with your jeans. Your big blue eyes rounded with choking desolation.

There was nothing quite like it, and there was nothing quite like us, and now there is nothing at all.