ok so- Dragon Age (Love Island AU) i have neither the time nor the bandwidth to script this, so let's hit the highlights.
this is the season that goes off the rails on CompHet from the jump. like we're talking, the studio is trying to cancel it because it's too 💅you know.💅
executive Producers Dorian and Isabella watched several of the weeklies along with in-house lawyer Maevaris Tilani who said she wasn't sure she could legally release it. To which Dorian replied "Christ, that was atrocious... we're going to make a shit ton of money!"
the full cast is introduced at the beginning with a musical sequence choreographed by TikTok genius Bellara Lutare to Tate McRae's SportsCar. the dancing is objectively terrible, at least one cast member so lacked coordination they had to do a quick and dirty edit-- but it turned out passably sexy. Isabella told them to keep it in and "maybe that's just how they do it in Ferelden."
regular host Lavellan is back after what the press called "a suspiciously long hiatus" the subject of much speculation about everything from surgery, to divorce, to an onset feud with a previous contestant (the forums call this DivaDownGate). In reality she was at home with husband Cullen Rutherford whose social media footprint includes a single accidental Mabari selfie taken in 2015 and left up because he forgot his Thedagram password.
the main cast this season includes Davrin, Lucanis, Taash, Harding, Rook, several unnamed Shadow Dragons who will be immediately eliminated, and the bombshells: Illario Dellamorte and an unnamed Venatori. Illario's entry is now the top disliked clip on Fadetube which features his intro narration that where he self-identifies as "A classic bad boy, Antivan style" and a kiss that was described by the Venatori contestant as "all tongue, no technique" during the red/green dot Door challenge. His shirt was off within 45 seconds of appearing onscreen-- a show record.
the initial couple pairings:
Davrin -> Rook (Davrin is the season favorite, the camera loves him, the crowd loves him, his professional griffon agility team loves him. but Rook (who is a nepobaby) just can't get over the fact that he "doesn't believe the Fade exists, like uh, duh it exists. what is that? it's not an urban legend like blood magic" Rook is skewered for this clip and for fumbling a baddie- like did they even *see* him in The Grey Sweatpants??)
Lucanis -> Harding (Lucanis is profoundly disturbed by Harding's expansive list of culinary crimes- which she calls "home cooked recipies" from the cafe she runs- and extensive collection of Croc charms. Harding is charmed by his beard and his abs, but baffled by his aversion to discussing *anything* about his work.)
Taash (pro-Rugby player) -> Rook (both make fun of the other contestants and talk about weightlifting the entire time. they do attempt to bench press Elek Tavor at one point, resulting in a slap fight that required production staff intervention)
Davrin and Lucanis end up together the night after this first round of dates. Lucanis was complaining about "how confusing dating is over thirty" while making a savory Antivan Dutch baby. Davrin offered to rub his shoulders after telling him he seemed tense... and a rule-breaking kiss ensued. Clips of "Passion, Pantry Style" have since gone viral.
Emmrich Volkarin is not a contestant, he is, to his chagrin, onset director A. he does not know why, after 35 years in film production and with multiple awards for direction, he has been relegated to the purgatory of reality television. oh sure, he's tried to leave- even at one point begged Studio CEO Solas to be fired- but the studio determined he was the most efficient choice they had because he hates the material so much and respects everyone's boundaries. he's the legal department's wet dream.
in which a certain Tevinter private investigator with a standing retainer for Love, Rivaini Style took some verrrry compromising photos of said director with a certain contestant in the back of a Subaru outside of an Erewhon. which everyone found out about because a certain contestant posted a photo of one of his rings on their Thedagram with the caption #ProblematicAgeGap."
the reunion was explosive, the ratings were mixed, but the viewership? never higher.
and one thing was for certain: Neve Gallus got her fee plus commission.
