All things genshin

But at the very same time you’d think of those words, you spiral towards the other meaning of it all. How it couldn’t be you that has a person to call your own, to look forward to seeing every day, to love you.

And so, you’d resigned yourself again to the fate of spending Valentine’s Day alone. Without a person to ask, it was kind of hopeless anyway, you thought.

But when the Cavalry Captain of the Knights of Favonius caught wind of your predicament, he sought to remedy it; immediately.

Never one to back down from a challenge nor see any of his friends (you, included) so sad and blue, Kaeya had spent the days leading up to the occasion meticulously planning an evening full of romance. He was hell-bent on charming the hell out of you, set on making you forget about loneliness as a whole, as long as you were in his company.

Thus, now, he stands in front of your doorstep, a lovely bouquet of Windwheel Asters in his hand, clad in his best clothes in regards to the date he had planned for the both of you for tonight. When he had asked you, you had all but laughed in his face, amused by the absurdity of it all.

Kaeya almost felt offended by the sound of your laughter, in spite of how it sounded like music to his ears. Why were you laughing at him? Surely, you knew that he was being serious… right?

When the laughter died down from your lips, wiping the tears from the corners of your eyes, he took the chance to speak again, a hint of bewilderment etched onto his face.

“Well, that was pretty harsh,” Kaeya chuckles, crossing his arms as he leans his weight towards one leg. “Are you done laughing now or should I get you some tissues?”

You startle. “Wait… were you actually being serious?”

“Sweetheart, I was being serious the whole time. Did you honestly think I’d ask you out as a joke?” He scoffs, slightly affronted by the doubtful look in your eyes. “You should really cut me some slack, you know. I know I’m cunning, but I’d never go that far.”

You sigh, feeling your face grow warm with shame and embarrassment by his remarks. Your hand reaches up to rub at the back of your neck in a sheepish manner.

“Sorry, Kaeya.”

“If you were really sorry, you’d accept me being your Valentine.”

You chuckled in response, shoulders slightly easing from the tension from the earlier moment of embarrassment. It was safe to say that the conversation ended quite well - you’d finally agreed to Kaeya’s request to spend the occasion with him as your Valentine.

One slight problem, though. While you had agreed to his kind request under the guise of a friendly date, Kaeya couldn’t help but feel like he had missed an opportunity to take things further.

(He likes you, and it’s way too much to consider it still being a platonic feeling. But he would never admit that aloud, of course. Who is Kaeya if not secretive about his emotions, especially to himself?)

Kaeya realizes that he’s been standing at your doorstep like an idiot for what was longer than necessary. Raising a hand, he raps against your door, tightening his grasp around the bouquet in his other hand as he steels himself for the moment you open your door to him.

And just like that, he feels like he’s frozen from head to toe as the door finally opens, revealing you.

The dim candlelight coming from inside your house spilled out into the doorway, framing you from behind in a brilliant, glowing halo, accentuating your beautiful figure, dressed in an elegant, and form-fitting outfit.

He hadn’t even realized how long he’d been staring at you until you cleared your throat, breaking him out of his trance-like state.

Kaeya remembers to act normal again, beginning with a sly chuckle as he says, “Well, well, well. You clean up pretty nicely, Y/N.”

You return his compliment with a bashful smile, tucking a wayward strand of hair behind your ear, “Thank you. I only aim to please, Kaeya.”

“Oh, and you have certainly accomplished that, and more,” He replies, eyes glimmering with the ever so present hint of playfulness, his voice dropping to a smooth, velvety tone.

“But… if pleasing is your aim,” Kaeya adds, “Then you must know that I have some ideas on how you can do it even better..." His words were laced with a hint of flirtation that was subtle yet undeniable.

You gaped at him, “Sorry?”

You’re certain that Kaeya could tell that he’d flustered you, but even if he didn’t, he’d made no attempt at bringing it up as he steps closer to you, gaze unwavering from yours, and hands the bouquet to you.

“These are for you, by the way,” He says, feigning nonchalance as you take it with two hands. Kaeya watches you take a whiff of the Asters with a warm, but proud smile.

Glad for the change in topic, you find yourself relaxing as you smell the flowers in your hands.

“Thank you, Kaeya. They’re wonderful,” You smile back at him in gratitude, a faint hue of pink dusting your cheeks.

The Cavalry Captain’s smile could only grow (and glow) more with pride for himself, “Well, I’m glad you like them. Because lucky for you, I also aim to please.”

You raise an eyebrow, a hint of amusement dancing in your eyes, “What does that mean?”

“Why, I picked them out myself, of course. The whole bouquet was arranged by yours truly,” Kaeya gestures to himself, doing a small bow for the sake of theatrics.

He earns the melodic sound of your laughter, and Kaeya hides a fond smile to himself as he stands back up to his full height, towering over yours.

“That was very thoughtful of you. Thank you, really.”

“Like I said, I only aim to please.”

With that, Kaeya offers his arm for you to take whilst flashing you, fully committing to the whole being-your-Valentine ordeal. He was determined to show you just how much of a gentleman he could be, and maybe, just maybe, make you see him in a different light.

For the first part of your evening together as Valentines, Kaeya takes you to the Dawn Winery, where a lovely dinner prepared by the head housemaid, Adelinde, awaits the both of you. After that, a stroll through the vineyard to “burn the food in our stomachs, and make room for some drinks,” as per Kaeya’s words.

And the whole time, you find yourself enjoying the evening, despite your initial dejections of Valentine’s Day as a whole. But with Kaeya keeping you company, and taking you out on a date for that matter, who were you to remain in your low spirits?

The air was crisp and fresh as the both of you walked side by side through the vineyard, the sweet scent of ripe grapes filling your nostrils with each step you took, both of your hands lingering by your sides.

Kaeya found it especially hard not to notice how he could brush his fingers against yours in one, small move. He wasn’t sure if it was the sweet scent of grapes surrounding them that was enticing him, nearly emboldening him, or if it was the sight of you bathed under the moonlight, casting you in an angelic glow.

And he thought he’d never seen someone so beautiful up close right from the very first moment he saw you. Kaeya couldn’t quite fathom how you seemed to take his breath away, time and time again, no matter how dressed up you were or not.

All of a sudden, the man who had always kept his secrets close to his chest, found himself wanting to spill out everything he truly felt about you all at once, at this very moment in time.

But for now, Kaeya thinks it would be best to just keep his feelings at bay, content with merely being in your presence, and enjoying each other's company in the beautiful vineyard, under the moon and stars.

In the meantime, he’ll let the star-filled sky, and the vines and foliage surrounding you alongside the ripened grapes, bear witness to the way he longed for you.

So close, and yet, so far.

( ♡ )

Xiao hesitates where he stands; he’s supposed to be patrolling the halls right now, and he just happened to find himself pacing back and forth in the area of the castle where your room is located. He surely can’t justify going off-duty without reason, even if it is by your command.

“Just come in,” you repeat with a bit of a whine at his silence, returning to your seat on the bed and patting a spot on the edge. “They won’t catch you. If they do, I’ll tell them I heard noises and asked you to check.”

“You used that excuse last time,” he says, giving you a disapproving look and leaning his weight against his spear. You smile.

“I hear a lot of noises.”

And Xiao knows he can’t win against you, so he merely sighs before sneaking a glance down the hallway and slipping inside your room. The door shuts silently; over the years, he has also gotten quite a bit of practice on avoiding that characteristic creak. He takes a seat on the edge of your bed, though his spear never leaves his side.

“Is something wrong?” he asks, looking at you out of the corner of his eye. It’s common that you ask him inside, sure, but you never look so perturbed about it. 

“I don’t know, something just feels off tonight,” you admit, fingers curling into your silk sheets. “Can you feel something?” He stares at you blankly. “With your, uhm, power?”

The question is so ridiculous that Xiao snorts, the first sign that his serious facade is melting, slow like candle wax, and your presence is the flame. “I’m a wizard, not a fortune teller.”

“The castle feels quite empty today. I heard Zhongli and much of the guard is away on business.”

Xiao nods, having been made aware of the expedition. He had been invited, but had rejected the offer in favor of staying here to protect you—not that he’d listed that as the official reason, of course, but he certainly kept it in mind. 

“You still have nothing to worry about,” he replies gruffly, observing how you gnaw at your lip, “two of the Wizard Sovereigns are still here, as well as the other yakshas and…”

He trails off, suddenly feeling awkward. You glance at him out of the corner of your eye, noting how the tips of his ears flush pink. It’s infuriatingly cute.

“And you?” you finish with a smirk, nudging at his side. He flinches, looking away in embarrassment. Truthfully, he can’t understand the sudden rush of heat to his face—protecting you is his job, after all, so there should be no shame in admitting that.

“I suppose.”

You decide not to tease him about his flustered state for once, instead glancing out the window. The moon rises high in the sky, loose rays scattering through the curtains and contrasting the dark sky. 

“The moon must look so beautiful from the Harbor,” you note absently. Your hand reaches for Xiao’s, and though his face burns in embarrassment, he doesn’t flinch away even when your fingers fall over his. Instead, he allows you this moment of silence; he knows you’re thinking about the civilians of the Harbor, as you always are.

You and your family are quite beloved among the people; whenever Xiao accompanies you on excursions to the Harbor and around the market, you’re greeted with starry eyes and wide grins filled with affection. Admittedly, Xiao had tried his hardest to keep them away at first with a fierce glare, but you merely placed a gentle hand on his shoulder and told him it was alright—you want to see them, talk to them, get to know their lives. You adore your people as they do you.

The room grows quiet as you fall deeper into thought, and Xiao is overcome by the desire to ask what you’re thinking. He’s not good with words, nor is he good at comfort or anything of the sort, but he’s willing to battle whatever demons are intruding on your calm mind.

“Can you…do the thing?”

He has to suppress a laugh at the way you call magic—the art he’s spent years learning and endless blood, sweat, and tears mastering—the thing, but he indulges you regardless. He dips a hand into his pocket, producing a Qingxin flower that he will never admit he carries around for this very purpose. As his fingertips glow with the magic streaming through his body, your expression glows with awe, only growing brighter when the flower’s stem curls and spreads at the edges, popping new blooms until an entire bouquet is held within his hands. 

And though Xiao usually hates when humans ask him for frivolous entertainment, he doesn’t mind doing it for you. He thinks you’re the most beautiful when you’re like this, all star-dotted eyes and soft smiles, so he’ll do whatever magic you want until he has nothing left.

“Wow, Xiao!” you whisper, trying to keep your voice down even though your hands clap quite loudly. “Your magic is always so beautiful…it must be so difficult.”

His lips press into a half-smile. “It’s not hard at all. Very basic manipulation.”

His fingers curl around the flowers again and they glow golden, rippling at the edges until they explode upwards into a small shower of sparks. They disperse like tiny stars among your high ceiling, and your jaw drops in delight.

“Do more, do more!” you request excitedly, hands falling over Xiao’s. He gulps.

“I don’t have any more flowers,” he replies a bit unevenly, showing you his empty pockets. As a yaksha, he’d feel a bit stupid carrying a pocket full of flowers instead of weapons, but the look on your face makes him regret that decision.

“There are some just outside, can’t you go pick more?”

And he really shouldn’t, he thinks, even as he slips outside to the courtyard, but he just can’t say no to you. The night air bites—he pulls his cloak tighter around himself, slinking into the garden. There are countless flora and fauna here, the kind that burst in the day and the kind that bloom quietly in the dark. You like to spend your days here often, reading or asking Xiao to tell you stories. His eyes fall upon the Qingxin, a small patch at the edge—your favorite.

He only manages to pick one flower before a deafening blast bursts from the castle, the ground rumbling under his feet. In surprise, his gaze whips over his shoulder in time to see the beginnings of smoke rising from somewhere around the Great Hall. It filters up slowly, clinging to the clouds and easing a sense of foreboding into Xiao’s heart.

“What the hell…” he murmurs to himself, brows furrowing in confusion. 

“Yaksha, sir!”

Xiao turns to see another guard—Donghai, he thinks his name is—stumbling out of the castle, blood staining his cloak and leaking through the front of his uniform. One dully glowing hand is pressed to a deep wound in his stomach, but it’s not enough magic to heal it properly.

The guard nearly collapses at the yaksha’s feet, a broken sob ripping through his throat as Xiao catches him by the arm. Up close, there are even more gashes criss-crossed across his face, crimson dripping from the corner of his mouth.

“What’s going on?” Xiao demands, shaking him by the shoulders a bit to get his attention. His eyes are growing hazy, focus fading like water slipping through fingers.

“We…trap. Inside the castle,” Donghai wheezes, struggling for breath. He coughs once, splattering Xiao’s arms with blood. “Monsters.”

A hot, searing pain like sharp claws rakes through Xiao’s chest, slicing his heart to ribbons and dropping its remnants at his feet. He sets Donghai in the grass, harshly barking at a shell-shocked guard standing nearby to administer healing. He doesn’t stay to see whether they follow his order or not, instead sprinting through the palace gates.

Chaos swirls before his eyes.

The castle is flooded with carnage, beasts growling as they roam the halls and survivors dragging themselves into corners to fade away in the dark. The expensive carpets and draperies have been torn to shreds, walls splattered with blood and dusted with burn marks. The air seeps with darker magic so dense that he feels like he’s choking on it. Xiao doesn’t know where to start—there’s too many screams, too much chaos, too much—

You.

He has to start with you. He should always start with you.

Jumping into the fray feels as natural as breathing. He’s spent his whole life learning to fight, fighting to survive, fighting to protect. But the magic drains from his body at a pace so fast that it’s abnormal—he’s fighting with his heart, not his mind. Lightning flashes of green seep from his skin as he cuts down monster after monster, jumping and plunging and slicing through the air. The monsters are more vicious today; a claw catches Xiao in the back, and he slams into the stone wall, the air being knocked from his lungs.

He crumples, crawls to his knees, coughs, then rises again.

In order to defeat monsters, you must become one yourself.

As he runs past the throne room, he tries to ignore the ugly tear through the royal family’s portrait, the canvas split directly across your smiling face. He doesn’t want to entertain the implication in his mind.

“Princess!” he screams, letting his throat grow raw with despair. The air inside the castle is burning, and he doesn’t have the magic left to cast the proper spell to dispel the heat—it’s all he can do to stay alive as is. Flames roar and lick at his skin as he advances further. He rips his cloak off, pressing the fabric to his nose to subdue the thick smoke filling his lungs.

Something worth keeping is something worth dying for.

Silvery spots of light dot through the grayish darkness, and Xiao follows them. He knows this hall, knows it by heart because it’s your hall. His fingers brush along stone walls as he fumbles to find your door; when he meets wood, he immediately shoves it open.

Hell greets him like an old friend. 

/

Xiao staggers out of the castle minutes later, thoroughly beaten and a fresh scar seared into his right arm. He doesn’t want to look at it right now, though—can’t look at it right now, because there’s so much to be attending to. People moaning for help and crying for their lives, laid out in the singed grass of the castle courtyard. There are medics running about, some from the guard and some he doesn’t recognize. But Xiao has nothing left to give. He can’t save them; he can’t save anyone.

He stumbles forward, one foot after the other, limbs getting caught in the scraps of his shredded cloak. Something small and white falls from his pocket, floating to the ground in a heap of dirt.

A Qingxin flower. It starts to scatter with the wind; Xiao hisses a breath between his teeth.

“No,” he whispers, dropping to his knees and scraping the petals together like a madman. The soft white forms a small pool in front of him, though his fingernails cake with dirt and his body burns with overuse.

“No, no, no,” he repeats like a mantra. He’s already collected the remnants of the flower, but it’s not enough—tears and darkness blur his vision at the edges, and he’s still tearing at the grass with reckless abandon. Someone’s calling his name, he thinks, or maybe his mind is already frayed at the edges. Either way, he ignores it in favor of gathering the flower in his quivering palms, closing his hands around it gently. He’ll keep this safe, if nothing else.

His vision loses focus, and the last thing he sees is the ground shooting toward his face.

/

When Xiao wakes up, it is morning, and the dawn brings a world so different that he doesn’t recognize it at all.

The stiff cot he was placed on feels like sandpaper to his bones—they groan in protest as he moves, urging himself to sit up. It takes a few minutes before he can wobble to his feet; by the time he manages it, a sporadic pain starts to stab into his head, raw and pulsing. A royal messenger bounds up to his side, eyes narrowed as they read robotically from the scroll in their hands. With every word they speak, Xiao’s shoulders feel heavier. Maybe he should have stayed asleep. Maybe he should’ve forgotten.

The entire royal family was killed in the chaos. The other four yakshas are also dead, having been attacked first when the monsters invaded the castle. No one can explain how they had appeared inside, no one can explain why, no one can explain any of it—it was just a senseless, horrifying massacre. He has been dismissed from his position as yaksha, and is to vacate the castle effective immediately.

As the messenger leaves and Xiao’s thoughts wander to last night, he can’t gather the energy to wonder why he’s just been fired. He doesn’t even really care—it’s not like there’s anything left to protect anyway. He doesn’t find it strange, at first. All he can really do is walk forward, golden eyes staring blankly ahead, off the castle grounds and away from you.

When Xiao walks through the Harbor that day, skin painted in black, blue, and red, no longer do the people revere his arrival. News travels quick in Liyue Harbor; it’s only natural that the people had already heard of their royal family’s fate. Men, women, and children line the stone streets, staring up at the ruined castle in horror, whispering amongst themselves and shedding tears together. They scream at him and the other former guards, jeering and tossing trash that bounces off his body dully. He can barely feel it, can barely feel anything.

“You damn wizards,” one man cries, shaking a fist in Xiao’s direction, “what good are you here if you can’t do your one goddamn job? Get the hell out of Liyue, traitors!”

“The poor royal family,” one woman yells, tapping a handkerchief under her eyes to catch stray tears, “they trusted you!” Her eyes fall on Xiao, and she adds, “The princess trusted you!”

While the other guards curse and mutter under their breaths, some even daring to yell back at the crowd, Xiao says nothing. He doesn’t look up, doesn’t talk back, doesn’t even contemplate a response. 

Because they’re right.

You had trusted him to protect you, and he had failed.

He continues on.

The expedition returns that day, bearing witness to the fallen castle and traumatized guards, all blank eyes and flat faces. Xiao does not go to greet those returning—instead, he finds himself on a cliff overlooking the sea, just outside Liyue Harbor. That place no longer feels like home, no longer feels like anything. He can’t stand to be there a moment longer. If his comrades want to see him, they will come find him in time.

Zhongli approaches within the next hour, remorse written all over his face. Xiao can sense him coming, but chooses to say nothing; he feels that Zhongli might be his last comrade in this world.

“Your arm,” he says passively, in place of a greeting. He takes his place at Xiao’s side without issue, still and proud as a statue. He’s always carried an aura of power with him—Xiao wishes he had been there last night. Maybe things would have been different.

He glances to his right arm, to the emerald lines swirling and swaying down his bicep and ending just beneath his elbow. A faint glow emanates from the mark, a reminder of their magical origins. When it shimmers under his stare, Xiao scowls and pulls his cloak over his arm to cover it. The garment is still tattered and stained, and the torn fabric fails to hide the shining mark underneath.

“It doesn’t hurt,” he replies, as if that is a proper explanation of where it came from. 

Zhongli clicks his tongue. “You must’ve overexerted yourself quite a bit in order to sustain a sigillum.”

It’s not mad, or judgmental, or even disappointed—just factual. It’s his way of gently prying, offering Xiao a chance to speak about what he saw and experienced. Sigillum are known to be extremely painful for wizards, a permanent mark signaling a severe overuse of magic, and most who have one certainly didn’t gain it by choice. Xiao is no different.

He doesn’t speak, and for a few more minutes, neither does Zhongli.

Just when Xiao gets tired of staring at rolling waves and solitary islands in the distance, Zhongli brings the whole sky crashing down.

“Guizhong is being tried for crimes of treason.”

Xiao’s heart lurches, nearly throwing him forward into the unforgiving sea. Zhongli is strong, one of the most powerful wizards known to Teyvat, but the quiver of grief in his voice is audible; now, there is truly nothing left.

Without a response, Zhongli continues on.

“She was the only one of us Wizard Sovereigns present there, and she’s being blamed for the attacks and her failure to command the guard and protect the royal family.”

“Marchosius was on duty last night as well, he can—”

“Marchosius is dead.”

A slow, wobbling breath flows from Xiao’s lungs then, dissipating like ice into the air. Everything feels unreal, like a terrible nightmare that he will shake himself out of any second now. If Guizhong is being tried, it’s likely she’ll be sentenced—the commonpeople’s reaction has made that quite obvious already.

Xiao knows Liyue’s obsession with contracts. Debts of blood can only be paid with more spilling.

“So, what?” he hisses. “You’ll be the only Wizard Sovereign now? They’ve already banned all of the lower guard from the castle, do they expect you to protect it by yourself?” His heartbeat quickens, sprinting and burning like he had yesterday, and it sends a shooting pain down his spine. “I mean, they haven’t even investigated why it happened. Are they idiots? They think they can fight magical beasts without us? Even one of us would be better than ten of them against a beast, don’t they know—”

“Xiao.”

The gentle, rumbling voice of his superior pulls him out of his thoughts, and Xiao flinches when he realizes he’s summoned his spear, fingers clenching white-knuckled around it, chest heaving with every fiery breath. Zhongli’s stare is full of needless pity, and Xiao looks away with a huff. Really, he doesn’t find his anger unjustified—the actions of the new castle are truly foolish, and he’s unsure who exactly is making such decisions.

“I’ve been relieved of the position,” Zhongli explains woefully. “They suspect that wizards planned the attack as a sort of coup and it got out of hand, so the entire guard has been dissolved. I assume we’ll be replaced with humans.”

The thought is so ridiculous that for a few moments, Xiao doesn’t even dignify it with an answer.

“They think we killed more than half of our own guard on accident? That we planned to let the castle be destroyed?”

The anger threatens to drown him all over again, and Zhongli sighs, looking out at the sea vacantly. His eyes, which usually reflect kindness and mirth, only show an exhaustion far past his years.

“Xiao, you have to understand. The humans…they don’t understand how magic works, how we work. And humans will always fear what they don’t know.”

No, Xiao wants to say, maybe scream, humans don’t always fear what they don’t know. Because you had never been afraid of him a day in your life. The thought makes him feel as though the ground will give out underneath him, makes tears spring to his eyes.

In his entire time in the guard, Xiao thinks he has only cried once.

It had been while he was still just training as a normal guard, when the magic still took heavy tolls on his body and he returned to the barracks every night sore and bruised. There was no respect for him back then, given that he was an orphan, no one special, no one from a revered wizard bloodline. It didn’t bother him most days, but there was one day when it just became too much, and he curled up in his bunk and cried. He sobbed into his fist, wiped his tears, and set out the next day to do his job all over again, as he always did.

When he thinks about it now, a lot of that stopped mattering by the time he was promoted to a yaksha. Things got better after that—people started bowing their heads to him and complimenting his strength, and it felt nice. Recognition was nice, but it paled in comparison to everything he felt when he met you. You never cared where he was from or who his parents were, because all you loved about him was him.

But you’re not here now.

He falls to his knees, head bowing to the sun, eyelids fluttering weakly. Zhongli’s mouth falls open in shock, and though he reaches out, he’s stopped by Xiao’s strained voice.

“If they saw…if they saw how hard I tried to save her,” he pauses as the lump in his throat broadens, and he chokes it down, “if they knew what I had to do, they would never suspect us.”

“I know, Xiao.”

And before he realizes it, he is trembling; tremors run over his entire body, shifting and pulling like tectonic plates, matching the earthquake reverberating in his hollow chest. A hardened fist meets the ground, glowing with magic and creating a small crater from the force.

“If they knew what I would do to bring her back, they would never…”

He can’t get far enough to finish the sentence, a sudden wave of emotion crashing over him until glassy tears flow freely from his eyes, plummeting to the ground in dark splotches. Zhongli says nothing at first, or perhaps has nothing to say, nothing to wane the overflowing grief coursing through Xiao’s veins.

In a single night, Xiao had lost everything he had ever known.

Zhongli leans down slightly, placing a firm hand on his shoulder and pointedly avoiding the fresh mark painting his skin. His voice just barely bubbles forth from his chest.

“You are the last yaksha. Your fellow yakshas, your comrades, your friends, they watch over you now. You must not let the grief become your undoing. There is no sympathy left for us here now.”

Xiao’s fists clench against the ground. He thought he’d known grief for years now—the grief of being weak, the grief of being unwanted, the grief of loss—but none of that had ever compared to the ice-cold pit in his heart now. He looks up, looking entirely lost, entirely empty. 

“What do we do?” he asks in a whisper.

Zhongli quietly lifts his chin to the sky, arms crossed over his chest, something like a behemoth to Xiao’s crouched form. A vague twitch at the corner of his mouth is the only sign that shows unrest, or perhaps despair.

“Even if there is nothing left,” he says, “we live.”

/

If he had just been more calm, thought more about what he was doing, he could save you right now. He would press his hands to your stomach and let all his magic coalesce until you were okay. 

Phantom apologies and twisted prayers slip from between his lips, 

“Dammit, dammit, dammit!”

Your blood soaks through the gaps in his fingers. His breathing starts to pick up. He’d used up too much magic earlier; there’s not enough left to heal you properly, not enough left to do much of anything. All he can do is watch as you fade away, eyes still warm with mirth.

You cough, reaching out. “Xiao, your arm—”

“It’s fine,” he hisses, teeth gritted, trying to summon some semblance of power to help. It’s not fine, really—his arm burns like hellfire, like a knife is cutting down to the bone, but he won’t stop for anything. He doesn’t even notice the lime glow searing into his skin, marking him with regret and memories that will sting in the back of his mind. 

“Mother always said that Qingxin mean strength, since they grow on stone peaks,” you whisper, tucking the flower into the pocket under his cloak. When your hand brushes past his chest, he traps it there, fingers curling over yours so you can feel his heartbeat. You manage a weak smile. “Xiao, you’re the strongest person I’ve ever known.”

“Princess, I—“

Your fingers intertwine with his. “I know, Xiao. I know.”

He wonders if you really do know. He wonders if you know that he only remembers what it feels like to exist—to be—when you’re looking at him. He wonders if you understand that he would trade his life for yours in a heartbeat, that even since becoming familiar with power and status and things finer than he deserves, all he’s ever wanted is you. 

All he’ll ever want is you.

“Xiao,” you murmur weakly, eyes glassy and thumb brushing over his lip. It reminds him too much of the many moments in which his heart grew fonder, in which you shared silent laughs in the dead of night and brushed fingers under lantern light. It hurts. “So beautiful.”

He wants to tell you that this isn’t beautiful, that none of this is beautiful, that the raw stench of burning flesh and iron will haunt him for years to come. He wonders if he should tell you that he saw your sister’s bedroom door smashed open, a shred of your brother’s cloak soaked in blood, the thrones tipped to the ground and marred with deep claw marks. He thinks he shouldn’t.

His heart beats in tandem with yours, aligned perfectly in a steady rhythm that slows to a crushing conclusion.

And in your final moments, you murmur three words that have his eyes fluttering shut painfully. Everything stops. He can’t breathe. Your silken curtains shoot up in flames, heat crawling up toward the ceiling. The room still burns around him, books and photos and memories and lives becoming ashes, becoming unrecognizable and irreparable. He feels that he himself is burning along with them.

And if Xiao draws you into tired arms in that empty room and cries, sobs, breaks, until the words “no” and “please” don’t even sound real anymore, until his tears dot your lashes and run down your cheeks, that is a secret between him and the unwavering moon—all that will be left is cinders and contrition.

Everything crumbles to dust beneath his fingers.

But damn it, something about the way he smiles so teasingly towards me makes my lips match his.

Wanting to waste no extra time, I stepped on the ice, but was surprised to find that yes, ice is indeed slippery. And yes, I did slip. "Haha, careful now! The ice is slippery."

"Really now? Who would've thought? Also, oooowwwwww that hurt!" I grimaced as I rubbed my poor butt, growing embarrassed by Kaeya's laughter. At first his laughter felt mocking but quickly after I joined in, infected by his joyful voice. "Haha, you are indeed the most amusing partner I've ever met! Here, you can grab onto my hand if walking on the ice is too difficult. I wouldn't want my dear partner getting injured, now do I?" He offered his gloved hand in the same way a gentleman would offer a dance at a ball. He winked, though with only one eye it looked nearly identical to his blinking, except for the purposeful tilt of his head and flirtatious nature. He gazed at me expectantly, his hand still outstretched towards me.

I huffed in disbelief at his antics, my eyes averting his as to not melt from his piercing gaze. While I could've gone without hand holding, I humored him and took his hand in mine, careful not to reveal my growing blush. Holding my hand firm, he looked onward at the task at hand and created another patch of ice. We carefully walked onto the new patch while I looked back, just in time to see the ice from before melting away along the shore. This put unease in my stomach, though the reason being is not quite clear. Shaking my head lightly, I decided to focus my efforts on moving forward alongside Kaeya and retrieving that item.

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We continue on our icy path across the ocean and everything is going smooth. Ice, walk, wait. Rinse and repeat. Patterns and repetition have a way of calming the mind, such as knitting. The repeated process and calm atmosphere are supposed to calm my mind and heart, if not for the way Kaeya's large hand encases mine securely, his thumb caressing my skin. This action is also repeating, but it does no good to my rapidly beating heart and screaming mind. I do everything I can to diverge my attention away from his gentle yet firm touch, but his thumb always seems to lull me back.

"Oof." Suddenly my head hit Kaeya's back, surprised that he stopped. "Umm kaeya, why'd you stop? You're not frozen in place, are you? We're halfway there." I smiled smugly and pointed at the island, noting that it is now bigger and the details clearer. Kaeya's eyebrow shot up at my use of his own words and scoffed. "That's thanks to my hardwork and skill. If you weren't so impatient, you'd allow me to rest my poor, overworked arm. And besides, the view at this time is absolutely breathtaking, isn't it y/n?"

He closed his eye and smiled contentedly, his face facing the sun much the same way a sunflower soaks up its energy. The light made his bronzed skin look radiant and warm, and his hair shine brilliantly. "You look breathtaki-" 'shit.'

"Did you say something dear?" He stopped facing the sky and looked at me questioningly. "NO." I looked away quickly, hoping to the Archons he does not press further. "I see. . . Well would you like to take in the sun with me? I promise it'll be worth it~"

I looked at him with wary eyes, unsure if it's all that wise to close my eyes near kaeya, but his insistence and delighted gaze made me think otherwise. "S-sure, but isn't it a bit. . . Embarrassing?" My voice was meek and small due to my growing embarrassment, both from my slip up and his offer.

"My, what's embarrassing about closing your eyes and soaking up the sun for a bit? It's good to get a bit of color in you, unless you want to be as pale as Diluc?" His eyebrow and smirk were raised in a playful yet taunting manner.

"Hey! Diluc's not that pale. . . . Ok maybe you're right." He laughed merrily at my realization and I laughed along with him, finding myself enjoying his presence more than I initially thought. It was nice. "Ok fine, I'll do it with you. All I need to do is close my eyes and face the sun, right?"

"Precisely. Now listen to my instructions and follow my voice," he was behind me now, his voice a mere whisper in the breeze. Gentle and soft. "Close your eyes and begin to imagine your favourite places, people, things. Breathe in the sweet aroma of summer, and the gentle breeze flowing around us." We stayed like that for a few minutes, taking in the sounds, smells, and our imagination.

It was more peaceful then I initially thought. It was embarrassing at first, finding it hard to concentrate and think seriously when he was so near me, whispering about all these sappy, typical things in my ear. But when I calmed myself down enough to let my mind wander freely, it led me all around mondstadt. To springvale, the statue of the sevens, the taverns, and cathedral. With each location I met the people I've led to care about. Faces flashed through my mind, sifting through the fond interactions involving each person, until my mind led me to a cliff overlooking mondstadt. It was breathtaking, almost as if i was there right now. My mind was fully engrossed in my imagination until I felt a presence behind me. I did not turn, not in real life nor imagination, and kept looking at the sight in front of me. But the presence felt more closer, so close I felt a flutter of a hand on my waist and another on my cheek. "You think I'm breathtaking, y/n?"

Suddenly I'm ripped from the overlook of mondstadt to find Kaeya's face only inches away from mine, his smile devilish but there was something honest underneath his signature smile. A certain eagerness in his question, unlike what I've heard or seen from him before.  Perhaps I was still in a daze from my powerful imagination or maybe I felt in awe by his expression, but I found myself speaking honestly and truthfully. Like speaking a blatant fact, one that is obvious to everyone. I did not push away from him, instead I looked at him closer, my eyes trained on his as I spoke, "I do think of you as breathtaking, especially in moments like this where it's clear you are truly enjoying yourself. In moments like these I find your smile and laugh to be contagious. Our time together has been better than I'd first imagined and I'm grateful I was able to meet someone as cunning, strategic, but also funny, kind, and well. . . Beautiful."

He was stunned, speechless in fact. But his sincere surprise and widened eye only lasted for a second before he remembered who he was. Back was the cool, fox-like expression and bright smile, though even his silver tongue and eye can't hold back from his surprise. Or maybe embarrassment. "My, y/n, you really had me surprised there. I only wanted to tease a little and wasn't expecting such a . . . big statement. It seems my plan has backfired and I was the one to get embarrassed. . ." His words drifted off, but his averting gaze and covered mouth were prominent and easy to understand. It made me smile. "Don't think I'm not embarrassed as well, Kaeya. But I think despite all the teasing and trouble you give me, you at least need to hear what I actually think of you. You deserve at least thi-" crack. "Did you hear that?" Craaaaaack. It was louder, more noticable this time, and we both looked down to the source of the sound. But we were too late. "Kaeya! The ice is-" before I could finish, we both plummet into the ocean, our ice path completely melted and washed away by the waves.

That same feeling of unease hit me and now I know the reason why. I thrash in the water, trying my best to stay afloat, but the realization of how deep the ocean is and the feeling of my body sinking further in the dark depths only made me panic further. I wanted to scream and call for help but my head was already underwater, making me thrash even harder.

I was starting to lose hope until my hand grazed against something. I wanted to see what I touched but by then I had succumbed to my need for air and quickly lost conciousness, the world a blurry haze of blue.

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"Y/n. . ." My mind was still drifting through the darkness that is my conscience, but I faintly registered the sound of my name, though it sounded muffled and clogged. As if I was underwater. . . "Y/n. . ." I heard my name again, the person uttering it sounding more urgent. Slowly, I registered more. I heard waves crashing and seagulls screeching in the distance. My skin felt hot and rough like I was lying on a bed of scorching sandpaper. I was able to feel light even though my eyes were closed. Slowly but surely, my senses became less muddled and more clear cut, like rising from the depths of the ocean and breaking through the surface. It was as if my mind and body snapped back into reality, and in an instant I was sitting up. It felt like being born again, taking in a huge gulp of air while my eyes , but the feeling of water rushing up to the back of my throat had me coughing uncontrollably.

"Y/n! You're finally awake." He was beside me, patting my back and combing my wet hair away from my face. Everything ached, from my head and throat to the rest of my body. It was as if my head was both light and heavy at the same time, prompting me to lay back down and close my eyes, but I couldn't let that happen. Once I managed to stop coughing up water, I shakily hoisted myself up and looked at our surroundings. Kaeya was by my side, his arms holding me up in support. "You shouldn't be getting up, you're body is still weak from nearly drowning! You look as if you're about to pass out again." He raises some good points, my hand subconsciously going to my throat, attempting to rub the soreness away.

I felt him staring at me, so I looked at him back, surprised to see genuine concern on his face. It threw me off considerably, having only really known his flirty, laid back smiles. He did not smile this time, and the teasing humor I'm so used to has vanished completely amidst his worry. In an odd way, it was refreshing to see him so serious, to see an expression different from the ones he always shows. "What is it? You're staring y/n."

"Oh, sorry it's nothing. It's just that. . ." I paused, unsure of what to say for there is a plethora of things I wished to tell him. Such as somberness, the way he carries me with such care and worry. I wanted to soothe his nerves and tell him I'm fine, to worry about himself seeing as how his body shakes in exhaustion. For now, I decided to settle for a thank you, "thank you for saving me, kaeya. I really appreciate it."

"Why didn't you tell me you couldn't swim? If I'd known, I would have never made you go on the ice bridge with me." Is he blaming himself? Why, when he was the one to save me? "I'm sorry. I myself forgot that I couldn't swim. Normally I would've been wary of going across the ocean like this, but with you I didn't feel that worrying was necessary. . . In any case, I'm still alive and well. You saved me from near death, and now that I am awake we can continue our job." He stayed silent, his arms holding me closer as if worried I might fall. He was in a daze for a moment before he set me down gently in some shade nearby. He then sat down next to me, his shoulder supporting my head while his hands travelled across my skin, cooling it. He sighed heavily with his eye closed and eyebrows scrunched together. He looked tired.

"That won't be necessary. I can always look for it another time. What needs to be done now is getting you back to mondstadt, preferably with Barbara." I huffed, unhappy by this new objective. "Kaeya, I'm fine, really. I'm sorry I caused such a hindrance to you and we ended up not been able to retrieve the item like we were supposed to. How about we go back, change our clothes," I pointed at our clothes, though semi-dry, they were covered in sand and salt, "and head to the tavern for a drink? I think we both need a treat after this slightly bad event." I laughed a little, thinking about the absurdity of our original plan. I mean really? Ice bridge our way across an ocean? Luckily, my offer seemed to have lightened Kaeya's mood slightly and he looked more like he usually does.

"I suppose we should. Nothing like a cold drink of death after noon to wash away our misfortune. And it will serve me well for my poor, aching body," he hissed as he stretched his muscles, and I sent him an apologetic smile. We talked for a bit, enjoying the island and ocean views as we shared opinions on alcohol, whether or not I even drink. Kaeya ranted about his favourite drinks, giving tips on how best to mix different flavors, and of course, told the delight of being able to drink such delicious wine. "If strong flavors are not to your tastes, I strongly recommend dandelion wine mixed with fruity beverages. The alcohol content is lower than most, but the citrus flavors make up for it. If you'd like, in the afternoon we can go to Angel's share and try out all their wines! And don't worry about the price, I've got it covered. . . Or rather, a certain redhead does~" I laughed at his sly plan, happy to see kaeya talking about the things he likes, even if I can't personally relate. "Sorry kaeya, that sounds great but you know I'll have to stick with non-alcoholic drinks. Maybe I'll get grape juice this time around."

Kaeya scoffed openly, his expression twisted in disgust and disbelief, as if I said something punishable by death (after noon). He faced away from me, eye closed in annoyance, and arms crossed. He looked like a child who was refused his favorite toy, and it made it hard for me to keep a straight face. "You're starting to sound more like diluc. Hah, I can't believe some people actually drink. . . Grape juice," he pushed out those words in disgust, as if the very words tainted his tastebuds with the oh so terrible drink, "if they had a little more patience, they would find it ferments into the most exquisite wine. Hmph. So unromantic." He rolled his eye, clearly only putting up a playful front, but it truly left me speechless. He smirked as I was left trying to piece together any tangible response, mouth opening and closing for the umpteenth time. After a while, all I could think of doing was reciprocate the same pettiness in response. "Grape juice is better than wine. At least I'm not drinking expired juice that's been sitting in a barrel for years."

And with that, chaos ensued, with us taunting each other with insults and small chides, giving our reasonings for which drink is the superior one. Our conversations lasted until dawn, us having completely forgotten of where we were, only focusing on besting the other. It wasn't until the sky darkened and the sun left that we snapped out of our talk. "Damn, how long have we been here? Shouldn't we be heading back now? Won't the knights of favonious be worried their captain hasn't come back from a seemingly easy trip?" Kaeya looked thoughtfully at the emerging stars, the moon illuminating his figure in an ethereal glow. He turned to me with a carefree smile.

it's near the end of one of your many dates with the so-called charming and mysterious cavalry captain, you're both at windrise with a perfect view of cerulean, huddled under vanessa's tree only an angel's kiss apart.

you're dating but you're not dating, you know?

he's sent you countless letters wrapped in soft ribbon and calla lilies from starfell lake (you can tell because they smell fresher, lovelier and not like vomit — unlike calla lilies from springvale. ref: draff) that leave you giddy with clenched fists, flushed cheeks and a journal of newly pressed flora. AND you've treated him to enough after-rounds lunches at good hunter to make them routine!

…but you're not dating

… yet

fucking archons, you're absolutely infatuated with him.

regardless, after months of childish pining, he reaches for your hand, caressing it warmly (like it's natural to him???) creating goosebumps that tickle your skin. curse him for being so sly.

"i can hear your heart racing, you know?" he whispers, tracing hearts into your skin. it's one of his favourite hobbies nowadays, he says. you recall him shortening his nails.

"ha!" you bluff, "you're hearing things, captain. it's probably the wind"

"maybe. but they do say i have quite the hearing skills, dear." he replies, a smirk adorning his face. "and if my hearing serves me right - and i'd say it does - i'd deduce that you're in love with me."

lighthearted jesting is typical between you two but you can't stop the way your chest tightens, nerves heighten like a criminal caught red handed with bright red evidence smeared across your face.

"no- captain…" you lie unconvincingly, "i'm most certainly not-"

"well that's a shame then. because i'm most certainly in love with you"

chaos rumbles in your chest, threatening to spill, "…you're joking. kaeya alberich don't you dare joke with me, it's not funny-"

"i'm not." there's sincerity in the stars of his eyes that bleeds with the love in his chest. "i love you, name."

your heart rate increases. his hand drifts from your knuckles… to your arm… and finally-

"more than your favourite wine?"

you feel a mix of cool leather and rough skin on your cheek.

"more than my favourite wine."

and you don't doubt him. not when his lips prevent you from doing so and not when a blue moon means so much more to you now.

but blue is not the colour you think of when you think of kaeya.

you want to so, so bad. because sapphire is the colour of the gem on your finger and the sky on his days off but when you think of kaeya you think of stinging bloodshot eyes and salty tears.

his uniform is no longer blue: it's marred and mangled, tainted with disgusting maroon — a polar opposite to the mocking ivory snow that surrounds him. and you feel vile. angry. fucking pathetic, like a blade that's been sheathed and twisted in your gut to make its stay permanent while you...just let it happen.

your nose is filled with iron, instead of wood and dragonspine has never felt any colder.

so you can't think of blue when you think of kaeya…not when a bloody crimson was the colour of the setting sun that day.

and not when it was the colour of his favourite wine — the same wine you raise a glass of behind mondstadt's cathedral.

He can hear you shuffling around behind him almost nervously, taking a sip of his drink and reading his book with a hidden amused smile.

"Sweetheart? Is something wrong?" he asks, finally turning to look at you.

"No, nothing. I just..." he can tell you want to ask him something, gesturing for you to crawl into his lap. You do so, maybe less gracefully than he thought but he easily catches you, kissing your cheek.

"What is it? What do you want?"

"Can I do your hair?"

The look you give him melts his heart, your puppy dog eyes are totally unneeded but definitely useful if he was considering saying no. Instead of replying, he just turns his back to you, letting his hair out and chuckling to himself at the happy noise you make as you run off to get your things.

Your touch is warm and lingering, pressing soft kisses against his scalp and resting your hands on his shoulders as you plan your next move, hmming and haahing from behind him.

He laughs whenever he feels you getting distracted, tangling your fingers through his locks and messing with them. It's quiet and you can barely hear him, but he is so happy to know you're having such a good time combing through his hair.

When you're done he can't help but whistle lowly at the sight of himself in the mirror. He preens a little, facing this way and that way to admire the braids and loose curls that perfectly frame his face. He's glad he's got some errands to run now, happily showing off his hair. Every time someone comments on it he tells them how you put so much effort into it, flaunting just how much you love him.

"It was such a long day. I felt like a walking advertisement for you," he teases when he's finally able to relax, sitting between your legs and leaning against the mattress.

"So? Is that a bad thing?" you scold, pulling on his scalp as you undo his hair to mess with him.

"Yes. It was awful telling everyone just how in love I am with you," he laughs, tilting his face up for a kiss.

You take your time taking his hair down, eventually ending up on the floor behind him. You're leaning against him, massaging his scalp as you press kisses against his neck. He hums happily, leaning back against you as well as you brush out his hair, pulling you around so you can work on his bangs.

"Any longer and I might fall asleep," he yawns, putting his arms around your waist.

"You can sleep. That's fine."

You turned to him in shock, mouth slightly agape. “You’ve liked me for that long?” your expression briefly turned angry and you punched him in the arm. To humor you, and also because it hurt, slightly, Kaeya let out a small cry. “You jerk!”

“Hey, what was that for!?”

“You should’ve told me sooner!”

He rolled his eyes. “I was gonna tell you sooner anyway. And besides, you could have said something too.” Kaeya sighed, but looked at you and smiled. He brought your intertwined hands to his lips and murmured, “But we have each other now. That’s all that really matters, right?”

But Kaeya snapped out of his love-sick filled reality when he heard the chattering of some guards nearby. 

He quickly swung you both around a corner. He caged you into it, both of his hands bracketing your head as he breathed shallowly. Kaeya glanced over his shoulder, trying to ignore the way he could feel your chest so close to his own, and tried to look out for the guards. 

A moment passed, and Kaeya looked back at you and smiled in relief. You both giggled as he pressed his lips onto yours, his relief transforming into boldness. He began to kiss your face, falling deeper in love with each sound you let out.

“Kaeya, stop,” you breathed out between giggles, “that tickles.”

He made a low grunting noise and descended to your neck. “Then you’re going to hate me for this.”

You pushed him away, and Kaeya froze. “Not here,” you whispered, looking over his shoulder cautiously. “People could see us,” you then added in a harsher tone, “like this.”

“So what?” he chuckled. Kaeya interviewed his hands with yours. “Maybe I want them to see us ‘like this’.”

“Kaeya.”

“Right, right, of course,” Kaeya nodded. He looked over his shoulder once more, deemed it to be clear, and turned back to you. “Alright, let’s get some privacy.”

The Khaenri’ahn prince took your hand and led you away from his castle’s darkest corners. You two giggled and snickered as you tip-toed across the lawn, hugging the edge of the shadows as you crept. Though, even in the shadows, you could see the toothy grin he flashed when he looked back at you, a mixture of glee and excitement present behind his eyes.

Kaeya ended up leading you to a secluded gazebo. He told you that no one was stationed here, nor was the place ever maintained by the castle’s groundskeepers. You eyed the overgrown ivy that curled itself around the gazebo, which served as evidence to Kaeya’s claim. That, and the fact that the pathway to this gazebo was so secret it was barely there.

He caressed your cheek and made you look at him, a blissful smile on his face. “You look stunning in the moonlight. Has anyone ever told you that?”

“No,” you replied.

“Good,” Kaeya murmured, his lips now hovering over your lips. “Because I would hate to not be your first in everything. Now, shall we continue, my sweet?”

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kaeya could see the gears turning in your head, calculating your next move with a newfound motive, your sinister expression made him move uncomfortably in his position. if you started rubbing your hands together in delight at your evil plan he wouldn't have been surprised.

"now. what's so amusing about your never-ending hand of cards?" he asked, a single drop of sweat running down his forehead. meanwhile you let out small giggles like a maniac.

"patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." you quote in the middle of throwing your arm up in the air, his unknown demise dancing on your fingertips. you felt a rush of confidence run through your body like the blood in your veins, you were too worked up for an uno game but your game buddy appreciated the enthusiasm nonetheless.

you would savour that moment of pure and blissful fulfillment when watching your opponent fall into a disaster of your creation again if you could, watch those pretty white jewels adorning his sly stunning smile that would be replaced with the face of stupefaction in the most satisfactory way possible. and you were just about to see every second of it.

until you weren't.

darkness covered the room and it took a while for your eyes to get accustomed to the change of lighting, your one-way ticket to success fell out of your hands onto the table with no spectator to witness your triumph, thus the game was over. everything fell silent.

it wouldn't last long though for kaeya let out the biggest laugh you've ever heard coming from him in all your months being roommates. you plopped yourself down to your spot on the floor, defeated, and watched your companion cry of happiness at your misery.

"you're adorable, really. patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles perish." he kept on stupidly giggling for another five minutes after that, you were nothing short of annoyed.

not just that you lost so ridiculously, but the moonlight slipped through your window so perfectly that it smacked kaeya on his good side, if he was aware of that fact you would never hear the end of it. you made sure he never knew it coming directly out of your mouth, but sometimes the way you would stare at him told him more than what he needed to hear. the ridiculous crush you've had on him ever since you guys moved in together was painfully obvious.

"alright, alright. let's clean the floor up, shall we?" you tried reasoning with him while getting up and picking up some of what was left of your dignity with you. "help me find some candles too, handsome"

with that, kaeya finally stopped laughing his ass off and pretended to wipe a non-existent tear off under his eye. "aw, you're making me blush! and here i thought i was the charming one." he tried to contain himself back from letting stray giggles out "it appears you can still be lovely after losing both a game and your dignity."

the innocent sweet smile he gave you while saying that made your chest feel all weird, was it the lack of good lighting that made it seem like his eyes had stars in them?

"stop trying to be cute."

"what do you mean trying? i am cute."

"you definitely are lying to yourself."

"well you literally called me handsome just a second ago."

"i think you're delusional-"

next thing kaeya knows, a loud thud and an "ouch" were heard, indicating you got so distracted by your bickering with him that you walked onto a wall. once again, you could almost see his shining bright smile in the darkness of your shared apartment and you couldn't even get mad at someone as pretty as him. instead, you chose to lazily push him away from you causing him to crash into a doorframe.

"what is wrong with you?" kaeya huffed out a laugh albeit porting pain in his features, he caressed his arm.

"i can't see, genius." sarcastically, you moved before him and entered the kitchen. when your face was concealed from his view you finally let yourself smile.

"i believe it was actually intentional on your part." you heard his footsteps behind you, each step taken would increase your heartbeat to the point that you had to put your hand on your chest. still, you tried your best to look for a candle, directing yourself by your other senses. were did you put them last time?

undoubtedly, there was something about being alone with kaeya in the dark night with the moon as the only witness that'd make your head feel dizzy and your hands go numb. god, how could someone be so mesmerising? you're not even mad about losing the uno game to him anymore, you'd let him win everytime as long as you can see him unabashedly smile like that again: eyes crinkling, cheeks flushed, messy hair brushing his face, soft hearty laugh and the absolute light in his eyes that would follow your movements after laughing too hard.

you found the candle and lit it up, just to see kaeya inches away from your face. "you do know we have our phone's flashlights, right?" is what he said, barely above a whisper. his gaze seemed to be fixated on something on your face, or maybe just on you. you let out a nervous laugh trying to brush it off, but he saw right through you, or more like right at you, directly in your eyes.

"again, i believe that was also intentional on your part." he lifted his hand to your cheek and caressed it oh so tenderly as if fearing you might break. you felt your breath shudder and embarrassingly stared at your roommate's lips, his smile growing bigger by the second while your mind clouded in a fog of thoughts about how much you wanted to kiss him, just to feel what is like to have his soft-looking plump lips on yours. "it makes this even more romantic, don't you think?"

yet as he got closer and closer all you could do was melt in the hands that held you so gently. you hoped for more dark nights loosing uno games if this was the result of them every time.

He’ll most likely keep you around for his own needs, such as getting information out of you that he could benefit from for whatever reason he has

ESPECIALLY if you aren’t part of the Knights of Favonius but of some other organization (think Liyue’s Millelith, Inazuma’s Shogun’s Army or part of any of the Commissions, Sumeru’s Akademiya, etc)

He could always use some extra pieces of information, intel in current issues that are outside of his earshot as a “simple Cavalry Captain” so he can plan accordingly in case anything stumbles upon Mondstadt

As time passes, he would start to enjoy your company outside of work, inviting you to take a drink at Angel’s Share so he can ridicule his brother during his shifts there (count on Diluc to roll his eyes and send you glares if you laugh at his brother’s antics)

So Kaeya as an acquaintance is going to be really confusing, you’ll never really know where you stand with him unless you really push to lodge yourself in his life on more personal terms

-Friendship-

Now being friends with Kaeya includes seeing him a bit more vulnerable. He’ll be more open about his feelings and his current worries

He won’t be fully open though, he still has his guards up because of his past and his impending future

But he will drop the act quite a few times, letting you see him being himself: a man with insecurities, regrets, and someone who’s emotionally constipated

Kaeya will always be by your side to back you up when needed, if someone talks down on you or if you happen to cross with a rather tough Hilichurl’s camp you can count on him to jump in and defend you! He’ll tease you about your lack of strength in private though (this little shit-)

He will be happy to lend you a shoulder to cry on or ears to vent to but he has a hard time processing emotions so he’ll have a hard time helping you to find balance in your reactions

What I mean: if you’re bawling your eyes out, he’ll very likely cringe a little. Nothing against you, it’s just he feels terrible for not knowing how to handle it and it’s a very awkward situation for him. He’ll gladly give you a hug or a pat on the shoulder but don’t expect him to give you a lengthy speech filled with solutions to your issues

Kaeya as a friend overall is a way better experience than being simple acquaintances, but he’s still a bit stiff and reserved around you. It might lead you to questioning the friendship as the line between his behaviors with others and you can be very thin and tangible

-Partner-

Kaeya asking you out was… something. You didn’t expect him to reciprocate your feelings because of his personality so you thought it was a very bad joke. When he realized how confused you were with him, his heart dropped a little because he realized the signs he was sending your way weren’t obvious and clear enough :(

As your boyfriend, Kaeya will lay himself bare for you. He won’t act like he does with the others, it becomes a day and night comparison. He’ll always be very transparent and honest about his intentions and feelings (to the best of his abilities). He will be super open about saying how much he loves and admires you because why wouldn’t he want to?

Boyfriend!Kaeya is an absolute sweetheart in general. He’ll take care of you like royalty! Physical affection, words of affirmation, and gifts will always be available for you when you need it

I still picture him as someone who can’t handle emotions very well, even after years with you. He’ll know how to soothe you through experience though, whether it’s giving you space or cuddling you in front of your comfort movie with your favorite takeout

No one is allowed to even breathe wrong your way. One single step out of place towards you and he’s ready to roast the person to filth. Kaeya is amazing with words and he knows how to pick someone apart with a simple glance

Arguments would be fairly rare. I feel like Kaeya is someone who is very responsible and knows how to balance work and personal life when needed. Once he gets with you he won’t be overworking himself or spending hours on end at the bar to drink his sorrows away. He’ll finish his workday and 6 out of 7 days come straight home to you

You become his absolute top priority. Whatever you need, please ask him. Kaeya loves feeling useful and even more if it’s towards you! He will never judge you or what you’re asking of him, no matter how stupid or little it seems he’ll be happy to provide!

  he is not cruel, unless he wants to be, and the only beings in teyvat he saves that side of himself for are creatures of the abyss; he has never been anything but kind, and sweet, and gentle to you. anything less than that seems unthinkable. he could not imagine speaking to you in any other tone but a soft one. and yet … you don’t ever initiate conversations, or ask him to have a conversation alone with you; every discussion is started and ended by him, unwilling to put up with the quiet for too long but having to because you just don’t speak.

  he does his best to combat this, of course. whether positive or negative, another thing he fails to be is short of words. the uncomfortable silence that you seem unwilling to breach is oftentimes filled by his voice, silky and smooth at first, but it strains into tense chatter after a while of only receiving nods and short answers from you. he doesn’t know what to do, which is rare; doesn’t know what to say, which never happens.

  it just – builds up, and it has been for a while, and he can’t tell if he was letting it happen because he was unsure what to do or whether he simply didn’t notice. but now it’s definitely noticeable; the two of you are sitting at the same table, eating dinner, and it has been completely silent in the room for the last half hour.

  he looks over at you, and you’re chewing a bite of your salad placidly, eyes downward. he racks his brain for an idea of a conversation starter. “so, how was your latest assignment? the one where you had to work together with that eccentric alchemist?”

  you look like a deer caught in headlights at the sound of his voice, almost jarring through the quiet. you swallow your salad and keep your mouth closed for a moment, and he wonders if you’re just going to not say anything. it quirks his mouth into a small smile with awkwardness and amusement.

  “it was okay,” you say finally, “he was nicer than i expected, still pretty weird though. i swear i never saw his expression change in the slightest. he would be talking, and his face was completely still. it was kind of scary.”

  kaeya laughs, with a mix of relief and actual delight, and your lips curve upwards.

  “shall i arrange to meet him?” he asks. “he sounds … delightful, in a way. you could introduce us, maybe? perhaps next week, after work we could all meet up.”

  your expression shutters. “ah, um … i only met him for a little bit, so i couldn’t really take that into my own hands … sorry.”

  kaeya’s heart drops a bit, but he nods, waving his hand. “oh, of course! don’t worry about it, i suppose it could be some kind of intrusion to force my way into his affairs. maybe i could engineer some kind of situation that forces him to meet me?” he laughs. you try to smile again, but it looks decidedly more forced this time.

  you make some more small talk, not entirely awful but absolutely not what would be expected from a couple that has been together for a decent time now. it leaves him biting his thumbnail with frustration and confusion; he really doesn’t know what to do, and in the small moment when you raise your eyes from where they’re glued to your plate you look torn and more than a little worried. but those worries go unsaid.

  he consults rosaria at the tavern one night, over spiced cider. he checks to make sure there isn’t any person in the tavern who would possibly tell you about what his discussion; it’s empty besides rosaria. well, that strange green bard is in the corner, waving his tankard drunkenly and giggling to himself, but kaeya thinks there’s no reason to worry about him.

  “i mean, i’ve been trying to engage with them,” he laments, taking a sip of cider, “i swear they just don’t want to talk to me. they might not even like me. except they stick around, so i don’t understand what they want at all!” he heaves a sigh.

  “have you considered that maybe they do want to talk to you?” rosaria points out, her voice as cold as usual but sounding a bit more gentle this time. she has a small fondness of you; you’ve met a few times when you’ve had to work with barbara, and she’s heard quite a few stories from kaeya of how wonderful you are.

  “what do you mean?”

  “if they’re just afraid, maybe,” rosaria says, testing the sharpness of her knife on her pointer finger and wiping the small bead of blood on a napkin, “they think you could react badly to their conversational topics? or something. i don’t really know anything about romance.”

  “but i always start the conversations!” kaeya complains.

  “well, you could give them time to talk, but don’t force the burden of an opening statement on them,” she suggests. “just … stop making it an expectation. i get that you want to talk to them, but it’ll just cause them to clam up more if you make it obvious that you want them to carry the discussion. you’re a big talker, you do that.”

  “big talker? yeah, okay,” he grumbles. “sounds fine. but, to start, should i just expect them to begin this whole conversation about it, or – ”

  “did you miss the whole point of what we were just saying? barbatos!” rosaria cuffs kaeya on the arm. the bard in the corner utters a loud whoop excitedly, sloshing cider over himself at her exasperated exclamation of the name (correctly spoken for once in her life). rosaria looks over her shoulder at the bard with confusion and a bit of disgust. “well, it’s getting late; i think we ought to turn in.”

  “okay,” kaeya repeats, downing the last of his drink. “i … suppose i’ll speak to them soon, then report back?”

  rosaria nods, standing and walking to the door. she pushes it open, then turns to face kaeya again. a darkness passes over her face, casting her gaunt features in a terrifying shadow; a dangerous glint appears in her garnet colored eyes. “if you say or do anything wrong … i’ll make you regret it.”

  kaeya smiles cheerfully, waving. “thank you, rosie, truly, i enjoy our talks,” he chuckles. rosaria smiles back slightly and shuts the door, leaving kaeya to ponder the idea for the last couple minutes of cleaning up his drink.

  a few days pass, and he works up the courage gradually, being kinder to you in ways that aren’t quite noticeable to help put you more at ease … or something like that. truthfully, he also loves to see the way your face lights up when he presents you with a bouquet of windwheel asters and cecilias, showing you how the light from the ceiling fixtures filters through the papery veins of the flower petals. your smile reminds him why he wants to speak to you. it’s helpful in a way; you really are a person he’d do anything for.

  it’s a calm afternoon when the time finally comes, he’s waiting in the living room, fidgeting with his hands. he doesn’t often feel nervous, but then again there’s a lot of emotions he doesn’t often feel except with you.

  finally, he hears your voice through the walls along with your footsteps up the front porch. “i’m back,” you call, opening the front door and placing your bag on the hook as you take your shoes off. “i have a few papers i need to process, so i’ll be alone for a – ”

  kaeya intercepts, appearing in the hallway. “actually, could you put those on hold until later? and … can we talk for a moment?” he asks, dragging a hand through his hair. you swallow slightly and nod, following him into the living room.

  the two of you sit quietly for a moment beside each other. he is searching for something to say and your gaze is fixed determinedly on the floor. he doubts you’ll ever start the conversation if he doesn’t say something first. but … this feels insurmountable, in some ways. he’s almost scared of the result of his asking the question he doesn’t know how to say.

  he opens his mouth, then closes it. “[name], if i ever – ” he isn’t sure how to finish it. how does he even put this into words? the idea that he … scared you? that he intimidated you into silence? you, whose voice he loves more than any other sound in the world? “if i ever said anything, or did anything that made you think i didn’t want to hear you talk, i – ”

  “no, never!” your head shoots up, and you have a strong emotion of distress and just wrongness on your face. he can’t describe the relief that pours through him at your words, the unspoken and unrecognized fear that he would chase you away somehow without even knowing he was doing it. that he’d lose you, just like that. “you … haven’t done anything wrong, it’s me.”

  the miserable shadow that passes over your face tugs on something inside kaeya’s chest. “what do you mean, sweetheart?” the name sounds like warm, silky honey on his tongue, and a bit of tension goes out of the draw of your shoulders. you lean backwards against the chair, hugging a pillow to your chest.

  “i’m afraid,” you admit in halting, staccato bits. “that you won’t want to hear what i’m going to say, and … if i’m bothering you, it could be awkward, or you’ll be angry, and – if i’m annoying it might cause an argument, and i don’t know what i’d do … ” you press a hand to your forehead, looking down at the floor. “ … and i guess i’d rather not find out, do you … do you know what i mean?”

  the searching, hopeful quality in your voice makes him so sad. he barely knows why, but maybe it’s the way you seem to want his acceptance, a nod of affirmation that he doesn’t blame you for this, this worry that is consuming your desire and ability to talk to him, that he should have seen a long time ago.

  “i’d never be angry or annoyed by you,” he admits. “i love hearing your thoughts. that could never cause an argument, and … i like to just hear the sound of your voice.” he cringes a bit inwardly at this immature admission. you bring out such interesting sides of him. he would be embarrassed to say these words to anyone else, but somehow he feels like no part of you judges him for it. he hopes you can feel the same way about him.

  you blush slightly. “well, i – i just mean, i can’t really control it. i do get worried about this, maybe too much, but … i guess i’ll try and talk more.” you smile slightly. “i like the sound of your voice too.”

  “of course you do,” he smirks, signature flirtatiousness entering his deep blue eyes, and you sigh a little bit. “don’t get ahead of yourself. it’ll take some time.”

  “don’t worry your pretty head,” he says, and this time his gaze is fully earnest, though still containing that charming, charismatic edge; “i’ll be here the whole time. i just want to be here for you if you need it.”

  you kiss him on the cheek suddenly, and a bloom of heat spreads through his face. he turns his head away to hide the almost flustered look in his eye. “thank you, kaeya.” your voice is as tender and affectionate as he’s ever heard it, with barely a bit of doubt and full of warmth, and for once it’s he who’s silent in your presence.

  it’s not yet night when you return home, but as soon as you enter the room where kaeya is lounging, reading a letter sent by the traveler from liyue, he sees the tired lines on your forehead and moves aside to create a spot for you.

  you cross to where he’s resting and sit down on the couch beside him, lips pressed together in silence as you knead a throw pillow anxiously in your hands. the velvety fabric raises in mountainous lines between your tense fingers, almost clutching it in a white knuckled grip. kaeya slips his hand into yours, gently moving the pillow away, and the draw of your eyebrows relaxes slightly.

  “what’s going on?” he asks, his voice low as to not disturb the tranquility too much.

  you take a moment to speak, tightening your grip on his hand. “today was a nightmare.”

  “ah,” he says, the word containing, somehow, a multitude of understanding and sympathy. he pulls you into the crook of his arm, leaning against the back of the couch, and you let out a relaxing breath. “what happened?”

  “just – it was overwhelming, so much to do,” you say, the words suddenly coming out in a rush. “way too many things and i couldn’t prioritize properly, and there wasn’t enough time, and … i barely got any sleep last night, trying to finish my work that was due today. i didn’t get it done, so i ended up having to rush tomorrow’s, and it’s all building up, and … ” you bite your lip. “sorry, i shouldn’t be complaining, it’s just … ” 

  a tiny bit of worry flares through kaeya’s mind at your words, but he keeps his face even. “don’t apologize,” he says easily, wrapping his arm tighter around your shoulders. “keep going, unless you don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

  you sigh, looking at him with a mix of exhaustion and gratefulness. “can i just … get some rest for a second? maybe you could read the traveler’s letter out loud?”

  “yes, of course,” he says, unfolding the letter and letting his eyes settle back onto the heading line in the traveler’s scrawl. “it might take a while, their handwriting truly is awful.” you laugh, and it’s such a pretty sound he wonders for the millionth time how you could ever mistake your voice and presence to be annoying. “don’t worry, i just want to hear.”

  he begins with the first line (“dear kaeya, i’ve arrived back in liyue after a long period of travel via captain beidou’s boat; she also wears an eye patch, maybe you can start a club …”) and lets his voice remain in a soft tone as he continues through the different paragraphs. he marks the passing of time, a slow development only identifiable by looking out the window to see where the sun is in the sky, every few minutes at the beginning, but then finds himself so distracted by the letter as well as your presence that he forgets to check for longer and longer periods.

 you doze off slowly; it takes the rest of the letter, an almost comically extensive thing with multiple pages, for your breathing to fully even out. kaeya folds it into its envelope and puts it on the arm of the couch, then settles into a more comfortable position, careful not to move.

  it is quiet in the room, but the quiet is welcome; a brief, soft rest from the endless noise of mondstadt’s city. warm amber light of the afternoon’s golden hour filters through the ornately carved window, casting shimmering patterns on the floor, but your eyes are closed against the radiance. kaeya is silent perhaps for once in his life.

  he tilts up the flap of his eye patch just for a moment to take in the sight of his love cast in such a pretty glow, before settling his arms in a crossed position against his chest and closing his eyes, the only sound left in the room your soft breathing that lulls him to sleep.

—

Kaeya hurries back to your shared home. He’s been looking forward to this, the thought of holding you in your arms and being able to kiss your delightful mouth is enough motivation for him to be tying up any loose ends his (interrogations) job may bring and finishing up the stacks of paperwork his other colleagues have piled up out of laziness. Honestly, some people these days have no moral integrity!

Unlocking the door, and walking in, he immediately notices how quiet it is. That’s strange, considering how he can usually find you either in the kitchen, preparing some form of dinner whenever he comes back home late, or in the hallway right in front of him, welcoming him back home instead. There’s no one in either of those rooms, and when he calls out your name and no one calls back, he begins to get worried. He can’t lose you, not ever, so when a fresh wave of panic tries to take over, he tries his hardest to stay calm and think about things logically. The next thing to do would be to check upstairs. He’s bounding up them, two at a time, his strides revealing how much he’s actually worrying about your welfare, but he doesn’t even reach the top when he hears your cries. 

Not even caring anymore, he bursts inside your bedroom to find you curled up on your bed, body wracking with tears, shaking periodically. A myriad of emotions swirl through him. Anger, at whoever made you feel like this- he stores a mental note to free up some time later that week- relief- well, at least you aren’t missing or gone, but most of all, sorrow. Sorrow at your sorry state, sorrow at the fact you feel like this, sorrow that echoes deep in his bones; a sorrow that makes his heart twinge in uncomfortable ways. He walks over to the bed, and lies next to you, facing your body. 

Gently wrapping his arms around you, he whispers sweet nothings as you cry into his chest, each one making his eyes soften, and grip tighten.

“Please tell me what’s troubling you. I can’t have my darling all wound up, can I? It’s my duty as a knight to make sure all the citizens of Mondstadt are happy and healthy, wouldn’t you say?”

You don’t respond to his questions, like he thought you would anyway, so he changes tact.

“Darling, I beg. I don’t like seeing you upset, and know I’ll deal with anyone who tries to harm you, so please tell me what’s wrong. Whatever you say, I’ll make it right, you don’t have to lift a single finger, I promise.”

You sniffle a bit at this, tears coming slower, and you can feel his warm stare on your head, hands stroking your waist in a way that’s always made you feel relaxed. Or maybe that’s just his arms. Voice cracking up from all the crying, you respond, albeit with a wobble.

“I-I just haven’t done enough, Kaeya. I haven’t done enough!”

Bursting into a fresh set of tears, you wail into his chest once more, and once more, Kaeya shushes you. He kisses the top of your head, one that he hopes conveys his patience for you, and your words. He lets it linger for a couple of seconds before speaking again.

“To me, you’ve always been enough. Why else would you have stolen my heart, and why else would I have allowed it to happen?”

“But, you’ve just done so much and I’ve done so little!”

Kaeya frowns. He now knows what the problem is, but he feels clueless as to how you could ever feel this way. To him, you’ve done so much both for the people of Mondstadt and himself, helping out whenever you can, and always with a smile on your face.

“I’m going to stop you there, darling. Know that nobody thinks lowly of you. I may be the Cavalry Captain, but I have no horses; you may be my partner, but you are also a person. You may not see this, but everyone else can. You have done, and helped so many people that they come up to me- even when I’m out in the tavern- to talk about how you had helped them that same day. Apart from seeing your face, those little conversations are the highlight of my night, and they should be yours, too. So don’t worry, darling, from now on, I’ll tell you those messages and we’ll see how truly significant you actually are. I love you, wholly, and I never want you to feel like that ever again.”

His arms tighten around your waist as he presses a lingering kiss on your head. You squeeze back with the pressure of a feather, and a soft smile breaks through his face. 

diluc– noctua

There are many ways you can say the name Diluc Ragnvindr. The Darkight Hero, saving grace of Mondstadt, free from the shackles of the Knights of Favonius, or perhaps, Master of the Dawn Winery, filthy rich, yet hard-working, producing possibly the best wine in the whole of Teyvat. No matter what name people utter, it always comes along with bucket loads of respect and admiration, constantly failing to hide the fact that they hold him in extremely high regard, much higher than what you could ever hope for. People speak of his courage, perseverance, and determination (well, maybe apart from Kaeya) when all they say to you is to ask how Diluc is. 

It’s frustrating, no- it’s angering and belittling, and it’s as if you don’t have anything to stand for other than being his partner! He gets all of this respect and you just have to stand by his side! It’s as if they don’t even see you as a person with achievements, which- well, what have you done that’s worthy of praise? Nothing, you guess, maybe becoming Diluc’s partner was the peak of your life; it’s only going to go downhill from here, you’ve done nothing good, you’ve done nothing worthy; maybe you don’t deserve him at all. And- oh there the tears come, hot and salty, droplets dripping down your face. 

–

There are many ways Diluc says your name. He says it gently, with hushed undertones and comforting hugs; he says it passionately, with longing in his eyes and a bold thump in his heart. But most of all, he says it so full of love, as if you had hung all the stars in the sky, full of unending, fulfilling, admiring adoration. Whenever your name leaves his mouth, people can’t help but stop and stare; it’s just so obvious how much the Master of the Dawn Winery cares for his special someone. Whenever your name leaves his mouth, there’s an ever-present look in his eye, one that reveals everything he feels about you, a look that proclaims out his devotion. 

So when Diluc finds you- alone, sobbing violently into your pillows- he doesn’t hesitate to place you on his lap, arms cradling your fragile figure, as he utters your name again. He says it again and again, stroking your hair softly, waiting patiently (as if he wouldn’t wait an eternity) while he lets you cry into his shoulder, eyebrows slightly furrowing at the sight of seeing you so upset to get to a point like this. It’s not fair, he thinks, for you to feel like this when you deserve nothing but the opposite, and- he shouldn’t blame himself for this- but what if it has to do with him? You know he’s busy, and he knows he’s busy, but what if you’re feeling as if he doesn’t love you anymore?

Oh, what a lie, as if he could never love you, what a lie, as if he could never look forward to seeing you, as if he could never touch and kiss you as if it were his last. Those people weren’t lying when they said that he was truly in deep, too deep to ever get out of the hole he had dug for himself. Diluc doesn’t mind, though, if he’s in there with you, he would stay like that forever. 

This doesn’t fix the situation at hand, however, and as much as Diluc would like to be able to fix all of your problems, the world doesn’t work like that, and so the next best thing is to help you try and feel better.

You’re still crying, and with every sob that you let out, a piece of his heart seemingly shatters into the void, and he thinks the only way to repair it would be to see your smile again. However, you’ve changed positions to where you’re both hugging each other. You on his lap, arms around his shoulders, and his arms around your waist, sporadically kissing your cheek every once in a while. He sighs, though not at you- never at you, eyes heavy with sadness at your state, and whispers gentle words, cradling your head with his hand.

“Look at me, darling. I love you eternally. I love you with my whole heart, and I can’t even fathom how much it beats for you. I do not know why you’re crying so, but I hate it. You do not deserve whatever this is you are feeling, and I know you as much as I know the back of my own hand. To me, you are the greatest person I have ever known. You have the ability to make me feel things I didn’t know I could, and you made me love, the most important thing of all. I have slain and destroyed, but at what cost? You have healed, and perhaps that is what I love about you so. So please do not cry, darling. You have done so much for me, and you have done so much for others. I know that much, so please, can I see you smile again?

You gaze up at him, eyes widening, as they fill up with tears once more. But not sad tears this time, happy ones instead. You kiss him, salty and passionate and thankful. It’s rather amazing how he manages to find the exact words to comfort you. 

Diluc may be considered stoic, and quiet to most, but for you, he’d recite the longest scripture he could just to wipe your tears away. 

thoma- rubeum scutum

The past few days for Thoma have been particularly busy. Both the Kamisato siblings required some type of assistance that had needed to be by their side for an extended amount of time, often just accompanying them with daily tasks around Inazuma that they may need to be called to. He doesn’t mind though, because at the end of each day, even though he may arrive late, even though he may find you asleep on the couch once he finally arrives back home, he gets to see your face, and gets to carry you gently off to bed, pressing some kisses to your forehead as he does so. 

However, what Thoma doesn’t get to see, is the constant emotion of insignificance you feel next to him. You’re truly proud of him, you really are, and you’re glad he’s so busy and looked after all the time, but sometimes you wish that you could feel that way too. Sometimes you wished that you could receive the same workload as him- just to be able to say that your superiors trust you to be able to deal with larger things, like him. But you don’t and now you feel useless. Especially now, since he’s been kept working late for the Kamisato Clan, you’ve been chased by negativity for the days that he’s arrived late home, and it’s catching up to you.

It’s suffocating, you just want to be recognised by someone, for someone to be proud of you and to be able to say that they respect and admire your ethics and hardworking nature. But instead, you do mundane tasks everyday, get home, wait for Thoma, then go to sleep. You want something more; you yearn for some sort of sign in your life that you’ve achieved something, that you’ve created meaning for someone else. You just feel so tired of it all, you just want to go to sleep.

Staring at the wall blankly, you don’t even notice Thoma creeping in with a smile on his face, only to be replaced by a concerned frown. It’s the end of his gruelling week of assisting and accompanying, and there’s nothing more he wants than to be able to lay in bed with you, the one he loves with all his heart. He even prepared a cake for you to share, your favourite flavour! But when he sees you, devoid of emotion, a grim expression on your face unlike your usual self, he doesn’t hesitate to place the cake aside- all but forgotten- and rush over to where you’re sitting. 

“Baby…?” 

He whispers, almost scared to raise his voice, as if he would upset you even further. When you don’t respond, he gently raises you up to your feet, so tenderly, you know he’s done this before. He tilts your head up to look at him, and he gets scared. He gets scared at the empty look on your face, and he musters up all the love he can get (which- to be frank- is a lot) to smile at you. Even though he’s scared, the eyes are the window to the soul, and his truly reveal how much he cares for you. He searches for feeling in yours, and when he spots just a glimmer, he leans down to give you a gentle peck on the lips. 

“Do you want to tell me what’s troubling you? I’ll do my very best to sort it out, you know I’d do anything for you.”

Comforted by the sound of his voice and affirmations, you regain some feeling in your body, and you feel less exhausted. 

“Sorry, Thoma. I just- I’m not feeling too good.”

“Oh, would you like anything then? I have a really good soup recipe that I can make for you, just get some rest, and it’ll be ready in just a few minutes! I would prefer for you to feel better sooner rather than later.”

You sigh. 

“No. That’s not what I meant. I mean- well- you’ve just been so busy and I’ve been… here, doing nothing. You’ve done so much already, and I haven’t done anything at all, I just want to feel as if I’ve done something… significant like you, that’s all.”

Tears start pooling at the corners of your eyes, and Thoma hurries to wipe them away with his hands. His heart clenches at your confession, worry evident in his eyes. If only you knew how much you mean to him, how much he thinks that you’re the significant one in the grand scheme of things, and how much he values your existence. 

“No, don’t say that kind of stuff, it hurts. You know I love you so, so, so much and that I think you’ve done so much- too much- that I can’t possibly repay you. You don’t know how much you’ve impacted my life, and that I’m so grateful you came into it. I think others would agree too. I look forward to seeing you every day, y’know? You’re the highlight every single time, so don’t think of yourself as worthless, or insignificant, because I think if you weren’t here, my heart would have a massive gap right down the middle! I love you so much, baby, and it pains me to see you hurt like this, but I want you to believe that compared to me, you’re the one who shines bright. You’re the star here, not me.”

He pauses when you don’t respond. Maybe you need some time for yourself, sometimes that’s just the case. 

“I’ll make the soup now, okay? I love you.”

Turning around to head out, a pair of arms from behind him encase his waist. 

He laughs, turning around again to face you. Stroking your hair gently, he presses a kiss to your forehead, and wonders whether you can tell how much he truly loves you. How much he would do for you, and sacrifice for you. Thoma mutters a quiet ‘thank you’, and you look up at him, confused, tears still in your eyes. 

“Surely I should be the thankful one, Thoma? Thank you, though.”

Your voice goes quiet at the last part. 

He smiles softly, eyes drooping ever so slightly in admiration, in patience and in understanding. 

“My pleasure.”