2 6 S T O N E S

and so we continue, trekking on into the forlorn and bitter home we make around ourselves. a shabby hut, carelessly built on desperation and longing. its walls, so easily swayed by the winds, crash inwardly to every element, trapping flesh and bone huddled inside. and yet all we hoped for  was to rid ourselves of this plaguing home of being alone.

we reach for the world with cupped hands. desperately running to catch the raindrops that Gravity pulls down. in circles and circles we run. a constant cycling. a moon–drifting in and out of fullness. we chase ones who cannot be loved. we chase the love that only lets us down. we chase all that slips through our grasps. we orbit a Sun we cannot touch.

one day, you'll see. it doesn't seem like the memories of him will ever leave, but they'll grow fainter and fainter with each autumn that passes. maybe you'll find yourself going for ice cream at that same ice cream parlor  of your first date because you love the ice cream,  not because you loved him. or you'll sit on that bench by the lake not because of how you felt when his arms held you close, but because of how free you are  just sitting there alone  because now, you don't see him. you see the sun, the trees, the birds, & the water. you feel the air you feel your heart beat you feel yourself start to breathe you feel.  one day, you'll see.

I remember the first time.

Brief darkness crashes before the storm begins. Look in his eyes, so quick to change. Say that you love me, even if you don’t mean it. Say that you’ll stay, even if you don’t want to. Say you’ll be there, and you’re gone without a trace. So I whisper to myself What is it that’s wrong with me What is it that I’m doing wrong Why am I so hurt, so sad, So done. Unanswered questions. Voicemails collecting like dust. Still stuck on the one that hurts the most.

“Be careful with that heart of yours, my dear.” He asked for it, so I gave it to him. “Be home by 11.” He asked me to stay, so I did. “Look both ways before you cross.” But my eyes were in the stars. “Hush now, don’t cry.” I can’t help it. It hurts. “Darling, you deserve better.” But he’s all I’ve ever known. “Be careful with that heart of yours, my dear.” Now I am, so I leave.

Think about ice cream, they’ll say. Chocolate was his favorite. Think about the beach, they’ll say. Sun warmth on my back, the way I felt around him Think about clear blue skies, they’ll say. The color of his eyes. Think about anything, they’ll say. But my mind always goes back to him.

there was once a girl who was never hungry. who would have thought that a few careless statements could steal away an appetite? or what was once a full moon could slowly disappear into nothing at all? oh, to be full of nothing but air, the pain relieved by the feeling of floating. wasting away to the vastness of space, what a wonderful place, to take up no space. but maybe it’s different when your clothes become drapes. and maybe it’s different when you can’t run at the same pace. can’t see, can’t feel, can’t breathe. when the mirror is your enemy and the scale is your savior, how does it feel to be full of air? air, air, and nothing but air. i hope she realizes that air, air, is nothing at all. no presence, no life, not even a voice. it’s just a whisper. and to be full of air isn’t floating, it isn’t rising, it’s sinking and sinking. compressible, malleable, invisible. i’d tell her to be fire, that makes air rise, because air, air, is nothing after all.