Ernie

you do NOT need a diagnosis to identify as intersex

you do NOT need a diagnosis to identify as intersex

you do NOT need a diagnosis to identify as intersex

And I know that yelling in someone’s face is wrong but if that person is known to be oppressive and unsafe in the past and is raising their voice at you repeatedly it can be understandable that one might lose their cool

And then I apologize for yelling and the passive agressive tone and raising voice never gets brought up

Then we have to take care of business stuff that HAS to happen and I get blamed for things I have no control over , which is sexist, then expected to delegate tasks we are both responsible for, which is sexist

The next day I say I want to talk about the sexism because I don’t think it’s over (I NEVER GOT TO TALK ABOUT WHY) and they do the thing where they talk in a defensive scary tone , dismiss my concerns and only talk about what they want to talk about , twist my words and be very immature overall, ABOUT A CONVERSATION I WANT TO HAVE ABOUT SEXISM IN THE RELATIONSHIP. Refuse to stop the tone they use with me and the language they use “let’s get this over with” saying we’re going back and forth when it’s literally one thing. Don’t talk to me that way. Like. That’s it. If you wouldn’t want me to talk to you like that, don’t talk to me like that. How hard is that. During a conversation about something as important as sexism which you have perpetuated many times

Point being I can never get an apology without asking for one, in this instance, about this situation. I’m always the one continuing the story. They prefer to act like things didn’t happen but only when it’s something they said/did. When it’s something I did it’s brought up over and over and over and not in a hurt way but in an angry way. They can’t express that they feel a certain way without pushing those feelings onto me.

They have yet to calmly say that they’re angry or sad or frustrated about something I did or said they just want me to feel it.

Im trying to be like civil but its my own personal blog I don’t have to make sure everything I say is something they would agree with

Im just so frustrated because if it was just depression I would be able to understand but it’s also the passive agressive/defensive tone, getting mad at me for yelling when they raised their voice first, and not apologizing/arguing over semantics when it comes to huge issues like sexism. It’s not my burden to deal with sexism because of the way my body was born or is now. Sexism doesn’t have to come with the experience. I thought that was obvious. I’m just so tired

So hurt

So broken

But I’ve been this way for months and months now

The first thing broke me so bad

Every time I try to bring up the behavior pattern it just keeps getting worse with more frequency

Horrible things keep happening

They ruined my vacation and time spent with my family so terribly

My mom noticed the way they spoke to me and said I don’t deserve that and they shouldn’t be doing that to me and to come home

Im so tired

They ruin everything

I wish I could cry

I’ve lost count of the unsafe behavior

Of the immaturity that ruins the relationship regardless of the unsafe things

Like I can’t even forgive because I don’t want to anymore

Like who is this person

They don’t resemble the person I know

I don’t get it

I understand I was nearly impossible to work with when it came to boundaries especially after we had a child because there was not really much I could do. I couldn’t offer them a private space because we only had one room. I messed up emotionally and mentally and physically in the relationship and I understand that was wrong and they didn’t deserve that but I also recognize it was and continues to be the hardest time of my life

There is no way to describe what I feel and I am so frustrated

I feel like no one has experienced this level of abuse and loss and pain ever

I know I’m not asking for too much

It’s one thing not to have energy to make me feel special and it’s another thing to have plenty of energy to raise your voice and have a tone with me that you continue to act like doesn’t exist or that I’m asking for too much

You have enough energy to argue but not to come together

It’s like you’re playing a game

It’s like you think by asking you not to talk to me in a defensive tone / raising your voice I’m asking for too much