15－06

https://thir.st/blog/supernatural-encounters-the-battle-for-my-soul/

More often than not I am always seeking to see what God can do for me or what He wants to do for me, rather than what I want to do for Him. He has done plenty — he has helped in the process of healing from emotional hurts, sovereignly arranging my circumstances to grow me and to shape me, lifting me out of my darkest moments, saving my grandma, using me to minister to others, giving me a loving family and supportive friends. Through the time that I’ve been in JYM, I’ve witnessed how he has grown me from who I was to who I am today.

But after reading this article, I realise there is a better way to honor God. And by better, I mean, a more rewarding, joyful, faith-filled, challenging, denying-yourself kind of way, and that is seeking Him first. What can I give to Him? In the year of 2020 to come, what can I give God? Am I willing to give Him my utmost, the firstfruits, really seeking first His kingdom? Even as I type this I am thinking about the sacrifices, thinking about the self-denial (I’m only human). Am I willing to sacrifice for Him?

Or do I only want His blessings and His benefits?

By focusing on how God can grow me only, I trade in the best for the good. Even if God makes me the most successful person in the world, and I never choose to seek Him first and live for Him, then that makes my faith worth very little. I may be successful here in this life, but what about the life to come? What about eternity for which my soul was made? Do I sacrifice that for the superficial and shallow? Will I deny the depths of which the human spirit was made, throwing it all away by saying life is only a breath? And that to think it is something more is meaningless and ridiculous? (I’m speaking seriously.)

“Those who come after me must deny themselves, pick up their cross, and follow Me.”

Am I ready to heed those words? To take on a different perspective of this world and my life here?

Do I believe that if I seek first His kingdom, all else will be given unto me?

How can I accept everything and give nothing in return? If a game, or a manga, or a message, can so easily tear me away from spending time with Him, am I really seeking Him first? In an age of FOMO and in a culture where people are perceived to be lazy if they aren’t busy, I am tempted to always be doing something. Everything around me tells me to do something. Go out with friends! Catch up! Make new friends and socialise. Oh, and don’t forget all your work and ministry commitments. And what about your alone time? What about doing charitable work?

But if any of this is stealing away my attention from Him, what is the point of all this busyness?

Am I even willing to ask myself seriously if I want to seek first His kingdom? Even if it means feeling like I’ve missed out on things, even if I’m being ridiculed, even if I’m scared that I don’t have enough strength or faith to do it alone?

Holy Spirit, empower me for my 2020. In fact, help me and empower me now.

i think, that hurt people need the right environment to grow. there are good and bad ways to deal with hurt. i think that from the friends that i’ve met in tlbs, one thing is for sure is that i’ve learned that hurting is ok. 

some friends come from painful family backgrounds. some have had their loved one (even their girlfriend)... pass away suddenly. some couldn’t fit in in school and dropped out. some got rejected by their friends. some struggled with depression. some with the hurt of inattentive and distant parents. some with social anxiety. some feeling lost at church and wanting to change churches. some with mothers that passed on at a young age. some, at their college dorm, lay in bed for days at a time, hearts churning with emotional hurt, misplaced hopes and the ugly, ugly cloud of depression and disappointment with themselves. for myself, the pit of depression and emotional hurt. 

and yet we accept one another the same. i think.. i’m starting to realise that people are broken. we all go through one thing or another. it’s normal to be broken... are we willing to admit it? i feel like God is reshaping the way i see hurt, opening my eyes to see that its okay to go through it. we all get hurt. it’s okay to be vulnerable. 

when i step into church, i don’t know why but i feel that there is a performance-driven mentality to be ok, to look happy, to be on top of things. there is a hurting world out there and if we aren’t comfortable to acknowledge the hurts we are going through, how can we see the rest of the world? we won’t even be ready. 

i think God has been widening my gaze. this is his heart. 

his heart for the hurting, the lonely, the broken and the lost. not all of us have it together. in fact, few of us do. what can i do to be more open and vulnerable to my community in church? how can i change things, Lord? 

can i start a change in the culture of my church? 

a place where hurt people belong. 

a place where people find rest and refuge. 

and know that it’s okay not to be okay. 

but at the same time as i walked, there was a strange and sudden comfort in my heart. it was the feeling of your legs when they ached and you sank into bed at the end of a long day. your legs still ached, but the bed was solid and firm and reassuring underneath you. i felt like in that moment i had intimacy with God. i cannot really translate that feeling into words. i just felt that God was watching over me in this journey to mental and emotional wholeness, even in the midst of negative feelings that sometimes pull me under like a weighted blanket. physically, it feels like you're dropping on a rollercoaster, but the drop doesn't end. it feels like you've missed a step and your heart plummets, and you continue to plummet. but my journey doesn't end when i miss a step. that's what i've learned with God.

i started thinking about how God brings whole healing to people. during TDG the other day, one thing that i took away from it was really that God was a God of wholeness. he didn't just heal the woman who bled for 12 years, he called her "daughter", he spoke to her amidst a crowd, despite her uncleanness and expulsion from community. somehow some part of that reminds me that this is God's heart, and this is what he is actively working towards for me.

i have a little hunch that God sees me and my life in a much more complete way than i currently do. and it comes with the invitation, perhaps (i was thinking about this) to find my joy in Him. in my life's circumstances, right now, God is calling me to find my joy in Him and not anyone (or anything) else. it's easy for me to say this and even journal this, think of it from a third-person perspective. but to actually find joy in God, i'd have to stop typing, start praying, and really believe. i can tell others that God wants them to find their joy in Him, but when it comes to myself? God, isn't it easier to pursue alternate sources of happiness? something more corporeal? more rewarding? something with - proof?

can i really do this when i am still on the road to emotional healing, when i still struggle with negative thought patterns, depressive feelings, loneliness and the negative urge to isolate myself, unfulfilled and frustrated romantic longings, when i struggle to relate to family, when i've lost the joy in serving in ministry? when i'm bored with life and feeling like i don't fit in? when i'm fearful and frustrated?

can i find my joy in God here?

i asked myself that.

i think apostle Paul is admirable. Philippians is all about this - finding joy in God in joyless circumstances. and now i realize.

i simply have to come.

information informs, but transformed lives transform. (i heard God say.) okay, God, you know my life, you know me much more than i do. set me aright. help me with my negativity. help me with my emotional wounds. make me whole. and the way that God works is through the passage of time. one year ago, i was such a different person. one year from now, i will be different too. but what i am reassured by is that i'm sure it will be a positive difference. not because of what i can achieve but because of who God is.

"def insecurity and not reality". thanks for those words, friend, it helped me.

she felt as if she was floating about lost in a black void.

the void was large and silent and she was small.

a few months ago, she described her feelings as if it was locked away. locked shut. behind a thick door.

right now, she couldn’t help but feel the same. was there any progress? she wondered, but got no answer. she had always been an intuitive and emotional person, but right now she felt as if her heart was as hard as a lump of dry clay, still kinda proddable — every now and then she’d feel a zing of feeling, but most of the time it felt as if she was having heartburn.

she’d never been so okay with the thought of disappearing.

the funny thing was, if anyone asked if she was alright, she could smile and say yes and really mean it. it was getting easier and easier to be happy. at least on the surface level. but when she was alone, she didn’t really know what to do with herself anymore. it felt as if she was being overindulgent if she tried to process her emotions, and most of the time a heavy inertia weighed down on her, pushing her to sleep or distract herself.

no longer did she feel glory, love, sympathy, sorrow, or rapt focus. those emotionally rich feelings were a wisp of memory now, and her past self seemed to be hidden and far away. unrecognisable and naive. if life then was a cartography of rugged, majestic mountains and desolate, forlorn valleys, sun-dappled forest paths weaved into an emotionally and spiritually rich tapestry, then life now was four directional keys: up, down, left, right. she couldn’t sense if she was moving forward or backward.

no one knew.

she couldn’t even process this herself — how could anyone else work it out for her? maybe it’s better, she thought, to just go with the flow. anyway, it wasn’t like her parents or brother or friends sensed anything wrong. it was entirely within her. man looked at the outward appearance, rarely seeing underneath the underneath, and smiling and joking and socialising were simple.

her emotions remained locked away.

and then she sat down at this keyboard, typing.

typing.

trying to process.

perhaps this is a good first step.

“i don’t know how to open up again. i don’t know how to turn on a shut-down heart. i don’t know what i can do to feel again. to feel melancholia. to feel bittersweet emotions. to yearn and long and desire. to glory and revel.

i want to feel pain.

i want to feel joy.”

“the devil will try to convince you that you’re a failure, that nothing good lies ahead for you. but in Jesus’ name that is simply not true.” -- andrearhowey

“better days are ahead.” “if you are always focused on what you’ve lost, you can’t access what you have.” “the Lord will guide you always. - isaiah 58:11” “things will get better. i have bigger and better plans ahead. trust and believe that greater is coming.”

ultimately what is all this anchored in? 

it’s not what i can do. it’s not even what God will do. it’s anchored in who God is. 

i need to hold on to this with all my heart and soul, and trust my own journey. i feel like a lot of people my age in church seem to have it all figured out. they have their close confidantes, their significant others, and they’re moving forward, graduating university and on the brink of starting a new job...

for me, i often feel lonely, i feel like i have changed a lot in the past few years and i’m someone who always changes, so i constantly feel gaps in the way i relate to people. i’m lucky to have close friends, but i often feel unknown even to myself. 

i yearn for a significant other, of course, and i am really waiting on God’s timing for Him to make it happen, after all the reminders He gave me. 

so whilst i feel like i’m still in the process of becoming, while everyone else seems to have became, i find it absolutely necessary to trust that God loves me because it makes all the difference in the world. i pray for another encounter with Him to remind me of his love and his constant presence. 

It’s been a while since I’ve written my last post here, and as I look back, many of the promises that I held on to back then, I am still holding on to now. 

The promise of newness and life of Isaiah 43 was brought to mind again a few days ago when I saw it pop up on someone’s Instagram story, and I have to say it really reminded me firstly - of God’s care and eye on me: “See, the former things have taken place, and new things I declare; before they spring into being I announce them to you." - Isaiah 42:9

And of course, 43:18-19. Time and time again I look back on this verse, in times where I feel forgotten, even in church, where I feel misunderstood, where I feel invisible -- and even as these negative feelings have clouded the months before, there have been seeds of promise. 

I thank God for the blessings in my life, even if not everything is sunny in the moment. I thank God for revealing Himself to me in such a personal and intimate way about a year back that has set my feet on a certain path and direction. 

Yes, there are things to be thankful for:

- For awakening: God revealing to me his heart and direction toward some form of ministry in the future, and following up that desire he has placed within me with an opportunity to share on Good Friday, and an affirmation from Rv Y;

- For D, who has the same yearning for a spiritual friend;

- For newly deepened friendships like M and DF;

- The experience I’m gaining from the current job I’m working, even if it’s not something I want to do long-term, it’s truly a big learning opportunity, and for a boss who is understanding;

- For constants like JC, JC2, W, A, Kb and my family whom I don’t appreciate often enough;

- For my lovely DG kids, who have grown so much and I have grown to really love;

- For Isaiah 60:22, and the promise that my future relationship is in God’s hands and His timing - He alone! Father, prepare us. 

- For friends that I don’t see often, but are always faithful and trustworthy and godly: YL, P.

In all this I have to trust in the promise of future grace - of hope in the God of the future. And not just that - the God of details, of order, not or arbitrary-ness in my life, is working for me something good - something beautiful, something praiseworthy, something ultimately joyful and glorifying to Himself, because He is the God of durable joy and glory, to whom nothing is unseen, nothing is random, and who works everything together for good, for His purpose for His children to bring Him glory!

I pray that I will root myself in the timeless, even in seasons of feeling overlooked, because if there’s one thing that I remember vividly from His intimate encounter with me - it’s that He sees me when I am alone, and I can bring Him joy.