snork mimimi

Sometimes it's you, sometimes it's others, but you think you're the only one who's allowed to linger, to watch shitty romcoms in his room and greet his brothers like the family of a friend. Of a lover. Satan lends you the book you've been dying to read, Mammon helps you pick outfits for your dates. You think you're special. You know you're special.

You're not enough.

He calls you less. When he does, it's with all his usual anecdotes of life in the House of Lamentation, but now, they all center the same person. Beelzebub breaking down the kitchen wall becomes a story about the human not being able to use their room until the wall is fixed, so maybe I should ask them to stay with me, what do you think, could I do it? After all, no one can resist me! Leviathan locking them in a time loop becomes the tale of the human granting all their desires and isn't it funny? I thought demons were the ones granting human desires!

(He tells you the story the very day of and asks you if you think it’s ridiculous. You remind him of that book you saw in the library the other day about time curses and don’t answer.)

He's happy like you've never seen him be. But you thought you were special. You were special. So why couldn't he be this happy with you?

Asmodeus doesn't ask you to come over anymore. He doesn't take you on dates. He doesn't tell you when he's out in town hunting for Devilgrammable pictures and wants a second opinion before he hits post.

He doesn't call you.

(Because there's someone else to spend time with, someone else to try Madame Devine's new parfait with, someone else to tell him how pretty his new outfit looks on him. There's someone else next to him. Someone better.)

But you're still at all the same parties, hearing all the same stories. He smiles and greets you like nothing's changed, he disappears with other demons. The succubus you meet at Lucifugus' rave tells you they had the night of their life with the Avatar of Lust yesterday and suddenly you can't hear anything else they say, because all you're thinking is wasn't I special?

Asmodeus found someone he wants to be better for. But... the only thing that's changed is you.

He's better without you?

You stumble home from the party alone. Someone might have tried to stop you. The succubus you were talking to. You don't remember what you did, but they don't try a second time.

It's Lucifugus who tells you Asmodeus left alone, too, whining about you ruining the party. He said the same thing when a demon confused you as Solomon's lover and tried to kill you the other day, so you ignore it.

Instead, you open your chats with Asmodeus. The message history scrolls endlessly; years and years and years of small talk and shared pictures. You liked his voice, you liked listening to him talk, and he was always happy to oblige. All your texts ended with Are you free to call? and the answer was always your D.D.D. ringing with his name on your screen.

It makes the last few months feel so unreal, seeing the easy way you used to talk, seeing the way he hasn't called since New Year's Eve.

It's lonely.

You spend ages wondering what to type. You can't remember the last time you felt so anxious just thinking of him; it's usually so much easier. I saw you in this month's Majolish or I can't believe you didn't tell me you met Rubezahl! or Oh, my god, someone asked me for Mammon's autograph, do you think he'll let me keep half if I get them to pay for it? Little things like that, just to let him know you're thinking of him, let him know you're missing him, let him know you want to talk.

And he was always there.

You didn't think you were his first priority. Sometimes, he would be gone for days and come back with the most ridiculous stories about his newest adventure. Sometimes, he would meet someone who caught his attention, who made him come alive with curiosity and interest.

He forgot them just as quickly. (You always thought you were the exception.)

The text you end up sending says, How are you?

It aches.

He doesn't read it until the next day. That's fine. You don't demand each other's every minute, that was never your relationship. And yet you find yourself looking back again and again at the chat icon, opening every notification you get immediately so there's no way for you to miss his reply.

Which brings you here, jumping at your D.D.D. in the middle of potions. Solomon laughs at you. “Looking forward to hearing from someone, huh?”

You don't answer. You're staring at your screen.

I'm feeling great! Ooh, I had just the best night! ♡

He sounds the same as always. You should be relieved, but your heart disagrees.

(He doesn't ask how you are. He's not always direct about it, more a nudge or a hint that you don't always have to be the one listening, a I saw that movie you were talking about the other day or a Is the weather this terrible at your place too? He loves hearing himself talk and he loves talking about himself, but he listens, too.

This feels dismissive, somehow. Somehow, it feels like he's saying you're not needed anymore.)

“Y/N?”

“It's Asmodeus,” you say, and you look at Solomon just in time to see his smile fall. Solomon looks at you with something so alike pity it makes your blood boil.

If it weren't for the pact, you think, I could kill him for that.

You put your D.D.D. away before you can lose the rest of the class to typing a response and try to pay attention. It doesn't keep thoughts of him away.

“Take care of yourself,” Solomon says when you part ways after class.

“Why?” you ask, despite yourself, despite all your common sense telling you what a fool you are. "Why, was it like this for you, too?”

Did you think you were special? And then, did you find out you weren't special enough?

Did he find you wanting, too?

Solomon doesn't answer you. He just shakes his head and walks away, leaving you alone with a burning sensation where his pact mark sits. It rings of anger, you know from experience. Solomon is your master and one of the most powerful sorcerers alive; you should be grateful he let your comment go.

It just makes you feel worse.

You don't see Asmodeus for a long time. You're running away, like you always are.

You can't run forever.

You ring the doorbell at the House of Lamentation with dread coiling in your stomach. Leviathan is the one who opens the door. (It's always Asmodeus. It's always Asmodeus waiting by the door to meet you, to pull you inside with his excited chatter as he says Oh, you're not going to believe this! It's always Asmodeus.) His brothers know this, too; Leviathan asks if Asmodeus knows you're here. You tell him he called you over. He looks unconvinced, but lets you in anyway.

You meet the human in the hallway. You're more afraid of Diavolo than you are of your own heartbreak, and besides this isn't about them (it's about you not being enough and Asmodeus not needing you, it's about you, it's always been about you), so you greet them politely and ask, “Is Asmodeus in his room?” like you would to any of his brothers.

The human looks at you with an emotion you can't place and nods. They walk right past you. Asmodeus' pactmark peeks out from under their collar.

This isn't jealousy, you think. This is something worse.

Asmodeus... is normal. He smiles when he sees you, gushes over your new haircut and shows you his newly-painted nails and offers to do yours. You can't find a reason to decline. You know this is ending today, but it can't hurt to have something to keep. Just for a while.

He holds your hands gently. He picks your favourite colours. You wonder why you expected him to forget.

He tells you a long, rambling story about the House of Lamentation's last two weeks. It fascinates you, as it always does, how so much can happen so quick when the Devildom's strongest demons are stuck in a house together. But more than that, it's his voice that captures you, that keeps you smiling and asking And then? and exclaiming Oh, he didn't! and saying You look happy.

And Asmodeus freezes then, hands around the lid of nail polish he just finished applying. Oh, that's too bad, you think, he only got through one hand.

You can feel it coming. The inevitable end.

“Yeah,” he says, the lid still not screwed on. “I feel happy. You know I feel really happy, lately, and you're...”

I'm happy, and you're not there.

He doesn't say that. It's too cruel, even for him. Instead, he says, “I want to be better for them.” You bite your tongue on the urge to ask who, your brothers? and play it all off as a joke, but that would be cruel. You don't want to be cruel, do you? Not to him. Never to him.

(You always smile when you see him, always laugh at his antics, always listen attentively to his stories of the time he spends with others and you never, never ask if you can join him. You never invite him to your plans, never ask him out on dates. Because he's busy and so much better than you and you need to be careful of where you stand even if you are special. You're considerate like that.

You're a coward like that.)

“What about you?” he asks. “Are you happy?”

Do you want me to be? Do you want me to be fine without you? Don't you want me to need you?

Don't you need me?

“Of course I am,” you lie. “Why,” you add on a laugh, desperate to fill the space between you and him, “do you think I can't be happy without you?”

Asmodeus smiles. (You wonder if it reaches his eyes, and carefully avert yours to the bottle of nail polish still held in his hands. He puts it down.) “I would never think that,” he promises.

You don't want to be left behind. To be unneeded.

So, you leave.

(You still can't look him in the eye. As always, you miss the way he watches you.

You miss the way he waits, waits, waits for you to look up, to look at him just once, to turn around even for a second.

You don't. Despite everything, despite all the time you've shared, despite it ending, you never look him in the eye.

You never stop being afraid of him.)

:: whoo, first fic for obey me! the original idea was reader having one-sided feelings in a kind of fwb situation and asmo not needing reader anymore when mc provides all the affection he needs and more, but i'm a sucker for miscommunication and i loved the idea of a flawed reader, so this happened instead.

here, reader is terrified of asmo from the beginning of their relationship all the way to the end, even as he proves himself again and again to be trustworthy. maybe its not ur fault; asmo is one of the lords of hell and close to the demon prince too, for the average demon there has to be some fear. but u are friends and u could have been lovers and meeting mc makes asmo realise he doesnt need to cling to someone who cant trust him, who will always be above all else, afraid of him. so he lets u go, and u dont try to fight it, bc uve never been able to deny him.