feeling like my 23 year old self recently, not sure if i like her very much

i feel everything so deeply but the words get so stuck and fucked up in my throat i just end up acting out and im so tired of the cycle and its so embarrassing all the time to be someone who needs constant regulation in the form of like silence or literally being coached out of a feeling. i feel like im robbing my loved ones of an equally yoked emotional pull in a relationship. its making me hate myself why cant i just always be regulated all the time and move and act from a level headed place like why does my entire body shut down its so fucking frustrating.

i’m trying to return to reality but i don’t think reality wanna return to me

everything really is overly romantic on this side

i love when my (core) friends and i are living kind of separately because then we have soooooo much shit to catch up on and i love a catch up it’s actually my favorite part of being a friend

why would i ever wanna live within parameters you have set for me lmfao i literally fought like hell for this mental freedom

my job is me facing the reality that just because i’ve wanted something so bad for so long does not mean it is going to come easy to me. i haven’t felt as clueless and unprepared as i feel now in a long time and im appreciating the level of humility and zeal for understanding its teaching me but fuck i feel like a deer in the headlights

lovely week of grandiose delusions coming to a close, i’m running back to reality

it’s actually quite fresh being a late bloomer like all the newness and wonder but at least i’m maybe 10% less stupid than i would have been