Also my relationship with my mom’s side of the family has always been a bit strained just due to her alcoholism and then her death. I love my family a lot and they love me too, but nobody knew how to handle any of those things. I feel extremely grateful to say I have a good family, but sad to admit that the circumstances haven’t been all too great. Thinking about everything makes me miss my mom a lot. It’s sad that people just die lol. My abusive ex would give me shit when I’d say that because,,, well no duh it’s sad, you dumbass!!! But sometimes you don’t need all those fancy flourishy words. What difference would it make anyways?

I’m reminiscing childhood memories at my grandparents house and I really miss my grandpa a lot. I’m glad I got to see my grandma over the weekend, I had a lot of fun hanging out with her. Thankfully she’s handling it well. She’s been cleaning out the house which made me think about “Nothing Important” by Richard Dawson. Quite a mistake on my end to be listening to a song like that right now. Wow my grandpa was so awesome. I know the word whimsical is overused nowadays but he truly was whimsical. And extremely worried all the time. And very sentimental. He loved and cared about us all so much. He would show my art to his family in Sweden. He always supported my art in the same way that my mom did. I miss him a lot but he was really old and in a lot of agony it seemed so I’m glad he isnt suffering anymore, but even saying that feels like a cop out to justify death instead of just accepting it as some natural thing. Does justifying natural deaths actually help you mourn healthily? who knows. I miss him a lot