17 February, 1936 Letters to Véra by Vladimir Nabokov

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17 February, 1936 Letters to Véra by Vladimir Nabokov

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This is my goodbye. To our memories and our bad decisions, to our inside jokes and the ones we never quite got and all the what ifs we had and all the plans we made.
"Sometimes it's all about surviving. If the house is on fire, you don't start to decorate the living room. You have to get out of the house first."
-my therapist
Sometimes I still want to km. And I can't stop thinking about it
You know it's bad again when you took too much mdma and still don't feel happy at all.

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Being a passenger princess for ever, cause everytime I drive I want too off myself lol
The need to write letters instead of messages to you, because my thoughts are eating me alive and I just want to scream at your face that you destroyed me.
I used to hate my father for being an addict. For mistreating my younger self because of his addiction.
And now here I am.
Don't now when I was sober the last time and thinking about the next substance to numb my pain.
Used to taste your lips, feel your touch.
Felt the warmth from you're kisses and words.
Now I'm down to the taste of liquor and the substances in my throat.
He preferred red wine, so I threw out the white wine.
He liked red nails, so I never wore blue again.
His favorite color was green, so I swapped the red sweaters out.
He listened to rap, so I didn't went to the indie concerts.
Even tho I wasn't good enough and don't know who I am now.

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The urge to sh right now is crazy.
But for that reason I tattooed myself in my usual places.
I went to therapy for him.
No I will have to go because of him.
Innocent looking men with mental health issues got my heart somehow
Baby if u r reading this, I love you
Please don't be in love with someone else.

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Albert Camus