Magnolia

Journal -

DMs are open -

Hello tumblr I’m back. Here’s an update on what’s been happening the last few months -

I decided to hide my scale somewhere sometime in May, thinking that checking my weight was what was causing me suffering. I instead just wanted to feel how my clothes fit and not monitor numbers so closely. After all, no one knows what number I am so why did I obsess over gaining 1-3lb?

Well it was going fine, I ended up getting rid of clothes that took too much effort to fit into. I didn’t want my clothes to be the reason I’m uncomfortable. That helped temporarily, but now I have very little options and my wardrobe seems so boring and sad.

A few weeks ago, I went on a cruise and I actually felt okay. I was not bloated and I was very anxious so I had trouble eating large meals. I felt okay in one of my bathing suits and no problems came up. I bought several bathing suits and most of them made me look like a sausage but I tried to forget about it.

A few days ago, I finally saw a (second) psychiatrist, I haven’t seen one in 5 years. She was very nice but looking back there was some issues. First of all she had me weigh myself in front of her AFTER telling her I had disordered eating issues and I hid my scale. That number was shocking (I’m so good at hiding my reaction) and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. This is also the second psychiatrist that has suggested I might have bipolar disorder or bpd but idk man I just don’t believe them. Why do these psychs think this after a single session? I come in for anxiety, ocd, and attention issues and they think I’m emotionally unstable, and my many long-term relationships disagree as well. I feel like I need to see another one. I’m frustrated.

Anyways I’m seeing my therapist today to try to work it out. I don’t need mood stabilizers, I just need to address my anxiety pleaseeee I’m tired of feeling impending doom!

I love being a fashion girlie but it feels like a prison sometimes. It’s so hard to love clothes and styling and self expression but hate the body you have. I want so badly to be more experimental with my style, but what I wear that day highly depends on how I feel about my stomach. I’m so sick of it and I wish I could erase my brain or hypnotize myself out of it or something.

I hate that I logically know that it’s not that deep, that I can be stylish and love my outfits despite how my body looks. I’m so jealous of the girls who have such cool style without having a model body.

What’s worse is it’s true that I can’t fit into all my clothes once I reach a certain weight. So I feel like I have to stay a certain size or I REALLY can’t participate in fashion simply because none of my clothes will fit.

It feels impossible to erase the ideal image I have of myself in my head. As soon as I forget or convince myself of recovery, I’m reminded again some way somehow that it really is easier to try to be small than it is to accept myself at my natural weight.

I think what’s truly frustrating me is my clashing values which puts me in this cycle. I love delicious foods and snacks and I think to myself, life isn’t worth living if I deny myself simple joys like good food. But I also think to myself, I need to be small to be worthy enough to move through this world.

Welp…I took a “break” for a few weeks (fell back into my old habits and convinced myself I’m recovering) and gained 5 pounds soooo I’m back.

I have a wedding to go to in a few weeks, a concert in a month, and a cruise this summer. I can’t be slacking!!

This weekend was great, I went out two nights and had soo much fun. I looked cute (didn’t take any pics though bc that usually ruins it for me) and it felt good to have some fun without feelings of impending doom.

Buuut it’s monday now and I feel so incredibly bloated. I’ve been eating way too much and I’m so disappointed in myself. I told myself I would restrict today and essentially ate normal meals and it all went way over my cal limit. My pants feel so tight and I feel like I ruined everything honestly.

I’ve been eating like this for over 2 weeks now. It’s highly possible I’m back at the weight I worked so hard to get away from. I’m scared I wont be able to restrict the way I did again. I was so good I don’t know what happened or how I will get that back.

Woke up feeling super guilty for what I’ve eaten for the last week /: idk what’s up with me but I’ve been around a lot of sweets and I’m not using any self control. It’s like I saw my safe w8 and decided to give up.

I just checked the scale and…it’s bad. I’m sure it’s extra bad bc of the excess carbs I had yesterday. Why couldn’t I just say no? I’m giving into my cravings because I think it’s making me happy, but in the end it’s not.

I’m happier feeling in control. I don’t want to hate myself more than I already do. It doesn’t help that my hair looks SO bad rn and I need to get it redone (my dye faded so quickly and I’m blonde now)