🕳

Definitely feel like the weird girl/thing at the family cottage week, it’s astounding how much my experience of womanhood diverges from my grandmother’s, my great aunt’s. They told a story of my great uncles cousin who at one point had SEVEN CHILDREN under 5 yo. Bc she had : one, twins, one, triplets —- in Ireland in the early 20th century. Kill me now I went : oh my god, how do you even feed them all, and my great aunt just laughed and laughed

Basically every event or social plan I’ve been excited and planned ahead to clear time for in the last month has been interrupted by either getting sick or needing to prioritize family and I’m soooooooooo mentally depleted, and feel so behind, while my body is still yelling at me to rest. Plus an unexpected side effect of going through it has been that spending time with people I’m not super close with has become so unappealing given that not being able to share or exchange in this state just leads to feelings of greater loneliness ... I was curious about the idea of empty pleasure, what it could mean, if it was possible; I understand it better now. Lessons in acceptance

probably something good for the brain about emphatically greeting the cat with “good morning I love you!!!!” every single day

I spent the winter reading lots—- most impactfully about the land I live on in greater depth than I ever had, in isolation and enjoying it; I spent the spring ecstatic with others re-learning how desire can attach itself to its own tail, seemingly endless energy against the laws of physics; now the summer is here and i’ve been mourning, but the suffering feels in the right direction [with the grain], finished a creative project after two months, feel my emotions sifting, watching swallows on the dock, am getting somewhere but a place I don’t understand just yet

Lousy couple weeks but there are fruit trees in my neighbourhood and I’m picking cherries on my way home that are so ripe they’re splitting

We wait all year for this time of year is what he said and it’s kind of true. There were a handful of moments recently where I thought it really doesn’t get better… stretching on the carpet unselfconsciously as the gang worked through the grant app together, the sunlit garden on the roof with its huge bees - treading lightly in place in the air before whirring off together in rapid complex loops. Catching up on the clock with the sun in our faces. Relax your eyes and you’ll see everything is moving in the breeze all the time, if you focus you see it where you look, if you don’t you see it all at once