1 Way Ticket

Being good at mothering is allowing grace. Grace for your child and grace for yourself. It does not mean never messing up or feeling bad. It means God‘s grace is huge. I’ve never learned more about God‘s love for us than I have through the parenting journey. S broke all of my expectations, but I am learning. Every day, I grow as he grows and I mature at 34 as he does at 3, in our own respects. It does not mean you don’t dislike your kid sometimes. See how what you are struggling with relates to God’s relationship with us. Then ask for more of His holy character in you. It’s a path we can walk chaotically or calmly in; our choice. Parenting is the only relationship you can’t escape. Any other person, even our spouse, we have control in the situation with. You can walk away, or be mean back, or try to manipulate. But in mothering you can’t get away, and you can’t make them change how they are treating you right then and there. You have to step outside of every comfort you had to be the stronger, wiser, caregiver. It makes us feel like we can’t do anything with the emotions of sadness or anger. And that makes us feel trapped and powerless and then guilty for feeling the previous two. But it also forces us to learn how to cope with our emotions in new ways. That, in turn, equips us with how to show our kids how to do the same. It’s OK to be learning as you go. I don’t honestly think there’s any other way to do this.

“Anger toward small children almost always relates to how we, as parents are being inconvenienced.” (SP) God will guide you on how to wield the proper emotions at the proper time. “Know you will sin, but God will forgive that sin and use it to refine your character and help you grow.” (SP) It’s a divine calling, being a mother, showing kids how to be human, and then later how to fight the flesh-driven tendencies of humanity to be more Christ-like, so they are closer to God and even more prepared then we were that age. But as we develop kids, God, should we allow Him, is developing us. I could go on about this. Just re-read chapter 7 in the Sacred Parenting book (SP), and you’ll get most of my heart on the matter.

Remember that your child belongs to God, not you. God chose you specifically to parent His child. He knew every time you would have to walk away instead of being patient. He saw the days when the TV was on more than you feel comfortable with. He heard you yell at your kid. He saw every regret you would play through your mind even before E was conceived, yet God still chose you as his mother. You are the perfect parent for this child, intentionally selected. Even if you do everything right to the Pinterest standard, it does not mean everything right is going to happen. Tantrums are a part of it. He is figuring out emotions and you’re figuring out what it means to cultivate that. Allow him to feel things out and allow yourself to feel things out, and allow him to see what that means to you. Be human, but a human seeking God. Mistakes happen. We ask forgiveness and try again tomorrow. Allow God‘s mercies to be new every morning. Accept Lamentations 3:22-23 as truth that doesn’t exclude you. This is an amazing time of growth for your heart. Let hard times be hard just like happy. The signs of love are given to us in 1 Corinthians 13. Just keep checking yourself. Am I lining up to that? Yes? High five! No? Try again tomorrow. God will be there. He wants you to feel successful.

Do you not let the standard of what you think an ideal mom is hold your journey to scrutiny. There’s no comparison to anyone else’s path. You love your child. No one outside of you and D can say what should or shouldn’t be done for him. There’s going to be really awful- “Didn’t get a thing done that I wanted to for three days now/What fluid did I just step in with socks on/You messed up something I just put effort into/Got too little sleep making mental challenges hurt physically too/Daddy is the favorite and you yelled at me all day/Now someone else is stressing me out at the same time”.....days. You hold on, ask God for His grace, wisdom, mercy, patience, stability, and you bear through them. You will not look back and think, “That broke me.” But rather, “Look at us, we made it!” You won’t look back and regret that you learned through hardship, but you are encouraged because... damn that was effing hard but I see more now than I did before and I am better for my kid, better for myself, better for the world.

The crying in the minivan or bathroom by yourself nights are a part of it, but they do not define it. Two and three are really hard. Really hard. I imagine every age has the messy parts, but you just persevere. Dwelling on how it’s rough is not what gets you through. Find the time to be calm and reflect. I recommend journaling if you can. Alone time is very important. Find ways to enjoy your kid without expectation of his behavior. Make a spaghetti mess together in the bathtub if that’s what gets you laughing with each other. The most important thing is to pause and seek God‘s wisdom. He doesn’t drop the kid off and leave us. He’s wanting to assist us, if we give Him the space. If we set aside our emotions to let Him in. If we trust Him.

I am in no place to give professional parenting advice, but with S, I just let him feel what he needed to feel and I gave him proper choices on how he should act. I talked him through everything, even before he could really understand what I was saying to him, (it was good practice for us both.)  I showed him forgiveness when he messed up and I asked him for forgiveness when I did. It’s not my job to model perfect love, I can’t. It is however my job to show my child who God is, the one who does love him, and me, perfectly. The one who doesn’t lose his temper or is ever lazy or selfish with me. Oh Lord, let me be more like you- I pray every day. There is no parenting blog better than the Holy Spirit’s direction. Ask for wisdom, earnestly, and peace in your heart. Do not let shame or guilt define motherhood for you. That’s the enemy trying to bring you down. Roll with the hard times. It’s part of the job description. Anticipate the joyful times- they are in there too. You’ll never regret giving your child too much understanding, patience, or affection.

Sensory processing disorder, anxiety, speech delays, sleep disturbances, obsessive compulsive disorder, tics, autism. These are the labels he would have received if we had not tuned in to that news story on October 8th 2017. We had returned from a long vacation only a few hours before hand and fought the usual hour and a half battle to get our 2 year old son to sleep. My husband had paused the news to have me hear what they were reporting on. The following morning was PANDAS/PANS awareness day. There was going to be speakers and a gathering at the state capital to bring attention to this very unknown condition that is suspected to effect 1 in 200 children. The 2 minute story on the news barley touched on what this really entailed, but it was enough to get our laptops opened.

“PANS (Pediatric Acute-onset Neuropsychiatric Syndrome) or PANDAS (Pediatric autoimmune neuropsychiatric disorders associated with streptococcus.) is when an infectious trigger, (like Strep), environmental factors, and other possible triggers create a misdirected immune response.” -PANDAS Network

“It is an autoimmune condition which disrupts a child’s normal neurologic activity. PANDAS occurs when the immune system produces antibodies, intended to fight an infection, instead mistakenly attacks healthy tissue in the child’s brain, resulting in inflammation of the brain (basal ganglia section) and inducing a sudden onset of movement disorders, neuropsychiatric symptoms and abnormal neurologic behaviors. PANDAS/PANS is characterized by an abrupt onset of obsessive-compulsive behaviors (OCD) and/or motor or vocal tics in pre-pubescent children immediately following an infection. These symptoms are extreme and interfere with a child’s daily life. Additionally, children experience concurrent psychiatric and neurologic symptoms. Patients can have recurrent symptom exacerbations (flares) later in the disease when exposed to other (non-strep) infections.” -Moleculeralabs

Vocal or motor tics of any type, sensory abnormalities, drastic personality changes, anxiety or unusual fears, fits of rage, depression, behavioral or developmental regression, OCD, inability to concentrate, impulsivity/distractibility, signs of autism; these are not things that have sudden onsets. Though our child never had a happy demeanor, the signs of obsessive compulsive disorder, auditory processing sensitivity, and motor tics starting showing immediately after a major cold last Fall, right before that vacation.

October 9th is PANDAS/PANS awareness day. If any part of this story has you wanting to run to google because it sounds a little too familiar, I implore you to remain calm and find a doctor who is literate in this condition. You will not get to the end of the research for this. I spent countless hours trying to get just one answer. What are the causes of this? What are all of my treatment options? The list goes on.. Find out as much as you can, but go to sleep on time at night and love your child the same. In the transparency of our story, I hope to help spread the word as this is still so very unknown. And unknown leaves it unaddressed, undiagnosed, or even misdiagnosed, and untreated. If not for the awareness day news report a year ago, I would not have known the actual cause for my son’s behavior. I want it to be seen for what it is. I won’t go in to all of the details of our journey but I do want to give my God all of the glory.

Our son is no where near the extreme case that the majority of the Panda-kids you would find. Some of the worst cases I hear are of 5 year olds wanting to end their lives. This condition can be extreme and horrific. Most days you wouldn’t see much different about our child aside from a little speech delay and frequent tantrums. Even those could be hidden in common toddlerhood behaviors. The tricky part for us is that he has been this way from birth. Whereas most children have symptoms onset when they are around 7 so the overnight change is very obvious. He seemed to be an unhappy person from the day we brought him home. The more he developed, the more he had to occupy himself, but he just never seemed ‘normal.’ I don’t like looking for something to be wrong to justify difficulty. I just chalked it up to him being strong-willed and settled in to the hardships of seeing my expectations of motherhood be catapulted away from me. I wanted to cover him in kisses and play with him in joyful laughter. It all made him cry. God grew me a lot in this perceived rejection, but that’s a whole other story.

I used to struggle with OCD, so when I saw the signs manifesting in my child, I knew what it was, and I knew the turmoil that was churning in that little mind. This is what raised the flag to an issue being more than a bit of delay, a dislike of loud sounds, and a cranky attitude. After we found out what PANDAS was, we elected to get him tested. God worked this process out so efficiently. There is only one laboratory in the entire world that tests for this, and it is in our city. I was having problems getting the orders to go through. A friend gave me her mother’s phone number, who happened to be the administrator for this very small office and she got me the help I needed. These types of things kept happening. I knew His hand was in it. The tests came back positive for PANS and we started on the grueling process to then find his “trigger.” This would be what causes his immune system to mis-react. Once discovered, you have a few treatment plan options to pursue. This is treatable! We have yet to find it/them, but in the interim we take the steps to boost his natural immunity with organic anti-virals, probiotics, a healthy diet, and detoxing. The flares come every so often, typically after a cold or increase in environmental allergies. They are awful. He regresses in his developments, he wakes all through the night, he screams at everything we do or don’t do, and sometimes he will self harm to get his aggression out. After about a week, he comes back to us.

For the ones who have open hearts to see the other side, I want to tell you why I voted the way I did, because you asked. If you don’t care to know then don’t care to read. It won’t do anything for you. I don’t really like putting myself out there about it because I truly don’t want to loose friendship over my Presidential Candidate vote. I have a genuine concern for verbal attack and shaming attempts and it hurts my feelings. I know that I have been a source of encouragement and affection to every one of my friends and I work hard to love hard. And if you would disown me for not seeing things the exact same way you do, then that is very sad. Sad for you mostly, but I would morn the loss. Now I can only speak for the Evangelical Christian (what I am) voting reasoning, not all people. One of my mentors worded it perfectly:

Feel free to vote your conscious ... As long as it lines up with His Word... "Tuesday I will VOTE for the most pro-life candidate, because God hates the shedding of innocent blood (Proverbs 6:17). I will vote for the most pro-Isreal candidate, because God blesses those who bless Isreal and curses those who don't (Genesis 12:3) I will vote for the most pro-marriage candidate, because God is for marriage as defined in Genesis 2:24. I will vote for the candidate who most closely believes government's purpose is to reward the good and punish the evil (Romans 13). I will vote based as closely as I can on God's Word (2 Timothy 3:16), Knowing that whoever gets elected, God is the one who puts all men in authority (Daniel 2:21). Who can argue with the Bible? Not me!!"

The #1 thing you need to understand is that the bible is our source for truth. It’s pages are life to us. It is our living and breathing love letter from God. And we align our lives to it. You don’t have to agree, it’s your free will. But we desperately want you to. Because we believe that the only way to eternal life in heaven is by accepting the truth of Jesus. And if you refuse Him, you burn in a lake of fire forever. We want you saved from that awful image. I’m not trying to ‘fire and brimstone’ you. You are reading because you waned to know why. The why is because of the belief.

Other things we believe- That the nation who takes care of Israel (God’s chosen land) will be blessed. And those who curse it will be cursed. So if our nation’s leader does not support the country of Israel then our nation will fall. That babies are alive with a soul at conception, and in killing them you are killing an innocent child. That the institution of marriage was created for  a man and a woman. I’m not detracting from ‘modern civilian rights,’ I just want the ceremony and title of the word ‘marriage’ to stay with us. I wrote another blog on that topic and it’s 100% hate-free, I promise. That the nation is not “forward thinking” by putting away the foundations it was built on but that by keeping them will bring America to a better place, strong and happy.

I hope the letter you received along with our cards this year lived up to the humor you’ve come to except and love from us. I’m hearing many didn’t get it. We sent you all a little letter.... Yeah? ;D We actually didn’t have a whole lot happen this year. Most of it was spent trying to figure out toddlerhood. (The quest continues!) Samson, who is very strong-willed and also tall for his age, will be two in a couple of weeks. He loves books more than anything. A few close seconds include ‘driving’ cars, eating, and the PBS show Daniel Tiger. (Those are the things that his big day will include!) Sam enjoys his job with Compact Power. It allows him much freedom in his schedule. I am constantly in search of things to do with Little Mister. Oklahoma is pretty accommodating in that area. Lots of fun family things to do! We’re not sure where we’ll go next but we don’t think it will be too long before our next move.

  I joined an amazing women’s group at our church who challenge me to grow spiritually every day. These 40+ women have been life changing. Sam and I have been seeing God answer many prayers for us this year, including the selling of our house in Las Vegas. We were able to make a few trips to Vegas this year and a couple of trips around the country in the Ultra Van. We attended (and won) several car shows for “best in class” or “audience choice.” Sam doesn’t feel these were fair wins though because it was the only one in it’s class. lol  Our trips to Tulsa, OK, Grandburry, TX, Tombstone, AZ, and Black Hills, SD were filled with fun and broken RV parts. It currently sits un-functional....again... but that’s a whole other story! We enjoyed having friends and family come to visit us and so look forward to more visits from any and all of you!! Next year we plan to a visit to Maui and hopefully have another little one.

My words are the property of Jesus. So I can’t go throwing them to the pigs. I am to guard my heart. I’m not about putting my whole mind on social media in a tantrum. Only once I have a clear and calm grasp on who I am and what I want to say will I share. God has entrusted me with a message that I need to protect and use wisely. I am just as human as the angry folk about this election. And I have the same human feelings. But what I also have is an understanding in how to control my feelings and not let them control me. When we are flooded by our anger, we act out in defense against more uncomfortable feelings. The fighting going on right now is a crazy cycle. 

People are hurt at the threat of injustice, so they themselves demand their wants above the wants of others. We have a democracy to vote in who the majority so chooses. It works. Stop pleading for a change because it was not the outcome you voted for. America voted him in. That’s it. You get to choose how long you dwell in negativity. Understand though that it hurts you and those around you. All that energy could be used to try to change things the right way and not the hateful way. People are concerned for the idea of persecution yet they put their conservative counterparts on blast, they threaten to disown them, and they are so filled with rage that some are acting out in violence. People are so utterly blinded by their emotions that they don’t see they are perpetuating the bad.

This was shared by a friend this evening. And it changed the view of things for me. Instead of throwing mud, or helping pack bags, or being snide and proud - let us love. Because - “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”1 Peter 4:8 And let us live in peace. Because - “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.” Hebrews 12:14

I don’t really get to watch the news so I wasn’t even aware of the emotional crisis occurring in our country right now. Perhaps we should all take a break and watch some Peg+Cat for a bit. They solve math problems and sing. It’s fun. I’m so sick of the political talk, as I’m sure we all are. There’s no way we can all agree on social issues. You know it too. And the friends who I don’t agree with on those issues on my Facebook, and in real life, they are people with hearts. Humans can be upset because the outcome is not that they wanted. The other party was 8 years ago. People can feel their feelings. I trust that they voted how they did because in their eyes it was the best option for the future of the nation. No person is the enemy. We need to stop treating each other like we are.

I have always been a peacemaker. I don’t like to see hurting. I want so badly for all people to feel valued and appreciated and know that they matter. The angry and sad ones in my newsfeed think that America has voted in someone who doesn’t care about them or the ones they care about. I am praying for restoration in our land, in our finances, in our relations with other countries, and in the hearts of all men. I am choosing love over strife.

Last Thursday morning my husband was hit by a deer while riding his motorcycle. He was going about 60 mph exploring the winding roads South Dakota is famous for. He said he saw a doe and a buck running beside him looking like they would potentially cross his path. The doe did just that. It seems  human nature to swerve or break, trying to avoid hitting the threat, but not my husband. He kept on the throttle and stayed true to motorcycle ridding’s most important rule: Look where you want to go. He looked ahead as the impact came, causing him to swerve a little. But he didn’t go down. He regained control of the bike and just kept going. He thought for a while his foot may have been broken as he couldn’t feel his toes for about 30 minutes, but even that returned to normal and he drove the remaining 20 minutes back to me and our son just as he had left. There is no evidence of the collision expect huge patches of deer hair stuck to the side of the bike and his pant leg.

Now if you know anything about my husband you have probably heard of some of his larger than life experiences and how he’s avoided catastrophes on multiple occasions. This wasn’t even the first motorcycle accident he has walked away from. That’s a whole other story just as astounding.

The difference in this one was the one thing that had impacted him. The lesson that it eluded to. There are scary things in life that will jump out at you. They could do serious damage if you focus on them and you may not get past potential pain if you try in your own human strength to avoid them. Keep pushing through and keep your eyes on the road ahead. Look where you want to go - look to your Lord and He will not let you fall.

I don’t have a problem pursuing friends. I can be bold and reach out. But finding other mom friends? It’s as awkward as dating.  Where do you meet other mom friends? Being a stay at home mom makes it even harder. I can only really connect with other SAH moms. And, our kids need to be in the same age group so they can play while mom’s hang out. Plus, their homes being equipped with age-appropriate toys and safety measures makes it not only easy to go between houses, but the kids enjoy the fresh environment too. I have one such friend -one. And though she be great, I’d like to have more. Because I like having a lot of friends, and sometimes she’s busy. Make sure you like the other mom’s living environment. You can’t mom-date someone who isn’t in the same place in life as you are. And you’re not going to want to ‘Netflix and chill’ (mom edition: chat and drink wine in between finding out why your kid is crying,) with someone who doesn’t have a nice clean home.

Last week I went to the OKC Mom’s blog play date. It gives moms the opportunity to connect with other moms. HA! This is a ridiculous concept. Play date? More like mommy-speed dating. What they mean to say is that if you already have established friends, you can chat in the corner with each other while the new comers chase their kids around aimlessly and try so hard to find any excuse to strike up conversation with another mom. Some attempts included were, “She is so cute!” “Do you go to the library class on Tuesdays? Yes, you looked familiar. Are you going to go to the new time or stick with the 10:00?” And other superficial outreaches... The most amusing is trying to actually use your child to initiate conversation. Like a dude with a puppy trying to get girls to talk to him. “Oh, can you share that ball with him?” “Sorry, he’s in to everything- does yours do that too?” Come on! Let’s find something we have in common in 40 minutes in-between screaming and songs with clapping. Are you on Facebook? We can be much more informal there.

I also feel that I should put my mom-ing techniques out there. You know, like on a first date you make sure the person knows what you want out of a relationship, where you stand on politics, what you do for a living, and remember how much skin you show will send a clear message. Well, I probably should have put the baby’s amber teething necklace on, even though he isn’t teething right now. But then it would flag the crunchy moms to let them know I’m down with the natural cures. In calling out Samson’s name they would hear that I am original in my name selection and that I have a creative side. I dressed him in loose, comfortable play clothes since we were at a baby gym but perhaps I should have opted for a hipster ensemble to notify the other moms of my sense of style. Ugh! Samson why won’t you wear your cabbie hat?! I’ll never make friends if you don’t keep your toms shoes on!

Here comes the awkward. Say you cross paths with a mom when your kid runs to the row-boat where her kid is playing. You think she looks like a suitable friend so you start the small-talk. But you can’t just jump in with, “Hey you want to hang out later?” That really would be as uncomfortable as getting approached by a guy in a park and being asked out on a date then and there. This other mom doesn’t know me. She sees I have a child with me but I could have borrowed him from my sister to get an ‘in’ with other moms. She doesn’t know my background or how many other moms I have hung out with in the past. What if I am a play-date player?

As if the social restraints weren’t difficult enough, my child is the go-go-go type so I have to makes these assessments quick and get to connecting. He doesn’t give me much chance to find my new BFF because one second he’s running to the climbing walls, the next he’s about to fall out of the ball pit. I have not seen another mom struggle in this. They sit their child down with some stack cups and they happliy entertain themselves for 20 minutes. Whaa...what?!? What is this world of self-entertaining? My kid is throwing a wrench in my mommy ‘date’ life. Like, you know it’s not going to go well but you still feel obligated to get out there and be social, yet you’re not going to bother shaving your legs.

I don’t enjoy this. It gets my hopes up for finding deep connection; people to share life with. I know it has to start somewhere so I keep trying, but so far it just seems like all of the mom-fish out there just aren't biting. These play-dates are a joke. I’d much rather put all that awkwardness out there and come in with a T-shirt on that reads all of my intentions. Then I don’t have to try so hard. If you’d like to get to know each other, I’m a pretty awesome friend to have in your life.

We all get stagnant in our faith walks from time to time. Then one day you reach warrior status. You become a spiritual giant. When doubt has no place because your faith takes up too much room. When you release wanting control and actually let God take over. I have always wanted that and was also always afraid of how that journey would change me and my comfortable little life. But I know, and state, that what God has for me is better than I could get on my own, and better than what I would give up to get there. Changing your mind changes your brain. It is not just choosing an opposite course, but it changes what you want. God does that for you. He changes your wants. When Psalm 27 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart,” it isn’t saying that if you find your joy in God then you will get that dream house. It means that when you find your joy in God, You will get things you didn’t know you could be that happy for. That may or may not include the dream house. You get things you may not have known you wanted. You get Him. He will bless you more than you could have imagined and more than with what you thought you wanted. He. Has. Better. Me, I have a bad habit of giving God flawed human tendencies. Growing up I wasn’t supposed to ask for too much at one time. And if I had recently received a gift, I was not to ask for another soon after. I had to ‘earn’ things. But not in the sense of a kid working though chores. I paid an emotional price of what perhaps was meant to come across as a balance in humility, but really was a little shaming on my young girl heart. Sometimes I felt guilty for asking for things. My dad had a game when he took me to a store. (To be fair, I was pretty spoiled and did perhaps have an attitude of expectancy at times. This might have been this part-time attempt in breaking that.) If I saw something I wanted, and more than likely I would, I dare not ask for it. If I asked for it then he would not get it for me. If I didn’t ask for it then he might. I couldn't figure out how he would know I wanted it if I didn’t ask.  It’s funny how those little things in our rearing stick with us 30 years later. So asking God for things is hard for me. I feel that I ask Him for too much and that I’m almost bothering Him by asking. But this is not what His word says. James 4:2b “You do not have because you do not ask God.”

Recently I’ve found a mature group of Christian women to be around. With them I have shared that I wanted to expand my faith and believe God for the good things I ask. I want to truly grip His love for me. So we have been praying and talking and praying. My current hardship is a toddler who has yet to sleep through the night. It had been well over a year of me not getting more than 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep at a time. So with prayer and petition in thanksgiving I have presented my specific request to God. I have declared victory, quoted scripture, anointed the nursery, rebuked the enemy, and begged God for this child to sleep. All but a few nights of 6 or 7 hours this has not (yet) succeeded. At first I was let down in thinking I did everything I needed to but still no win for me. I have such a demand for instant gratification and the enemy would love for me to believe that God doesn’t hear me. But no more! Because every night I now say, “Tonight could be the night!”

I decided to stop living with tiny faith. I am ready to move up the spiritual giant ladder. I am approaching the throne of God boldly and expectantly waiting for bountiful blessings. I am being transformed by the renewing of my mind and by my daily choice to keep it that way, finally. I tell you it is not easy, but I know it is right. One of the strong spiritual women told me that faith is believing that God has granted your request. That this has already happened in the spiritual realm and that the physical realm is catching up to it. I am thanking God because He has already given me this. I’m not going to sulk in the corner because I’m not getting the birthday party I asked for when God is planning that very party better than I even thought possible. I’m going to tell Him how excited I am for the party He is going to throw me with all the details that I can’t wait to see! What parent wouldn’t like to hear how their child is anxiously anticipating something they are doing for them?

Then he slept 9 hours straight. It was the longest he had ever gone in his 15 months of life here. Of course, I was scared it was just a fluke. Because, babies. For so long the idea of hoping this was going to change became a bitter taste to me. Every time I thought I did the right thing, or changed the right aspect, every time it looked like he might, and then didn’t, it hurt bad. I didn’t even want to feel hopeful anymore because of the sting in my heart from the disappointment when I would hear the cry from the baby monitor. I still have to work at keeping my heartbeat steady when he sirs, because all of last week was 8 or 9 hours. I had to not so much ask God to do this thing for me, but had to give Him the authority to do it for me. It was not working by my means!  He has the power of course, but He is also a respecter of free will. I wasn’t letting Him really have the situation. I was trying to plan my own party I guess. And faith is a choice to believe actively. So I am, because He does love me so, and He promised. Now, my perfect sleep schedule for the baby would be to nap 2 hours in the day and sleep 8:30pm-8:30am. And I’m asking for it! A good friend, in not wanting me to be hurt, tried to tone me back on this pursuit. But why not?!?! I feel that I should expect bigger blessings. Because God has gold and I need not settle for silver. I am so grateful for where we are now. I am also grateful for when my son sleeps a solid 12 hours. I want it and I’ve told my father what I want. He knows and he’s getting it for me. Because He loves to give me good gifts without any expectation.

I know that soon the other side of this hardship, like every other one I have gone through, will produce fruit in me. I will add it to my testimony to help encourage others going through similar situations, and even more- I will be closer to God because I was finally ready to trade those ashes for beauty. He will give me even more than I thought I wanted. I’m one step closer to warrior status! Tonight COULD be the night! Purple and pink balloons God! I can’t wait to see the elephant piñata and eat the cotton candy! You are the best birthday party thrower ever!