i'mkhaotic...

My own perspective: I am watching America's Got Talent "The Champions Three" and Simon Cowell has totally shot down Tom Cotter. Granted his presence was not high energy, but he was naturally funny. Plus he was extremely confident in what he says, whether on the spot or rehearsed! What I noticed though on this episode was how Simon passed judgment on Tom's act. To fully explain I have to rewind, back to the season just before this. Simon said he had a bit of a crush on a comic named Vicki Barbolak and she lost in the episode just before this. Also let's think about how in love with Vicki Barbolak he had been to actually begin. Now...Mr. Cowell has also stated previously his dislike for stand-up comedy in general, so an act like this being inefficient compared to Vicki's, for example, was just unworthy of going through to the next round. I fully believe, in my opinion, that he could not support this comic when Vicki did not move forward and was better/and/or more worthy to make it through in his eyes. Thus causing his emotions to be so strong he buzzes an X.

Too far. Too much distance. How can I keep the trust after knowing what I know. How do I know you aren't going through with it. Such a good liar I will never know.

It's simply too much. Too consuming. Too distracting. The type of passing everyone craves. Work becomes impossible. Doing any leisure activity becomes difficult. The emotions I contain for you consume me to the point I can't remember myself. Instead you are my only thought. I can't have that. So what can I do. Living without you is manageable but will always be miserable. Yet unless I can trust you 100%...bring with you will always just be too much.

Broken heart number 1.

In pictures or videos...why? Nobody wants the actual thing. Things I long to express but not so publicly. Things people would rather not hear. The tears that keep falling from my eyes...the way I can barely look at myself in the mirror. The confusion in my mind for the way I feel...and the stupidity I feel trying to understand it. An angel sleeps in my arms. Someone so precious and fragile. I fear my negativity is seeping through slowly destroying the innocence I long to preserve. Loneliness I can't explain. Trying so hard to disagree and fight with my mind. The doubt and fears I try to say they aren't real. But it feels so right and I want to believe its wrong. Wanting to feel complete, content. Always struggling instead. Doing my best. No I'm not anymore. I'm growing weak again and the angel needs me strong. Maybe stronger than I can ever be. Is it selfish to keep this angel in my arms? Sometimes I just fear I'll do more harm. So far I've begun failing and isolation is tempting. But how do I know what is right at this moment? Would I simply be blocking it out to be stronger or actually become stronger? My emotions just seem to unravel me. So far I remain clueless and so very sad...