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I’m sure you’re all so over hearing about this book from me. I feel like I’ve brought it up in each blog posts this semester but I can’t get over it. So Sad Todayis a book of essays by the very talented Melissa Broder. She struggles with anxiety and depression and is one of the only writers I know that is so real about the illnesses. She’s very raw in her writing. I’ve said before, reading these essays were like reading a journal. I’ve never felt so connected to a person that I didn’t know before. As a person who suffers with the same mental illnesses Melissa does, it was so reassuring and comforting to see someone write so beautifully about something that is so destructive and sad. In a way, she made me proud to accept my challenges because she showed me I can still be successful while dealing with this huge burden.

Depression is the world’s leading mental illness. 75% of those people who suffer from depression go untreated. I believe some of the reason that people go untreated is because they don’t want to admit that they are depressed, or they let depression hide behind other things. As someone who is currently completing cognitive behavior therapy, and suffers from depression myself, the signs are obvious to me, but may be overlooked by others. Here are some ways to tell that someone you love is suffering from depression. This is not a diagnosis, just something to watch out for in family and friends.

·     If they’re sleeping too much or too little My favorite. When I’m in a major depressive episode, there’s nowhere else you could find me other than my bed. Sleeping is the closest thing to death you can get, without actually dying. Depressed people love it. Also, insomnia is a symptom of depression as well. If someone is having trouble staying or falling asleep, or always awake in the middle of the night, check on them.

·     If they’re eating too much or too little Another favorite of mine. Binge eating is my go to when I’m depressed. Somehow, I think that if I constantly fill my mouth with really good food, I’ll be happy. Yes, I was significantly happier after eating 3 orders of cheesy bread from Domino’s than I would be if I hadn’t. But this is a major sign of depression. Same goes with eating too little.

·     Constantly questioning the world and life around them This was something that I didn’t realize was a sign of depression until I was told. I would always tell my friends “nothing matters” and “life is so pointless anyway”. THESE ARE SIGNS. Many people with depression express their thoughts in very surprising ways. You have to be alert and aware of things your family and friends say. If they’re constantly talking about how insignificant life is and how nothing is real, check on them.

·     Using dark humor People with depression tend to be the funniest people. They mask their true emotions and feelings through humor because it seems to be putting a light on a very dark topic. And yes, it’s great to accept your illness in that way, but depression isn’t something to joke about. If it’s getting them by, great, but always check in on them if you see they’re posting on social media or saying things that is a bit questionable or worrisome.

Q: What was your first memory with anxiety?

A:I’ve unfortunately been filled with anxiety since I was a child. Of course, at the time I didn’t realize this feeling was anxiety, but I’ve made that conclusion recently. When I was young, my mom would work directly across the street from our house. She would get home at 3:30 every day, and being that we lived right across the street, she would normally always be home right away. Except sometimes, she would run errands after work or go shopping, whatever. If she wasn’t home 10 minutes past 3:30, I would start assuming that she died on the way home from work, working myself up and getting extremely emotional until she would come home.

Q: What does a panic attack look like?

A:My panic attacks are thankfully very brief, if at all. Usually, I would have about 5 minutes of heavy breathing and not being able to catch my breath after something overwhelming happens. But, I’ve also had three panic attacks in my life where I felt like I was going to faint, started seeing white, loss of hearing, and excessive sweating. These all have come on during unexpected times, such as a concert or on the train. The unexpected panic attacks are scary because it can happen at any time and I never fully understand that “this is a panic attack” while it’s happening. Although, every panic/anxiety attack is different for each person. Some don’t experience attacks at all.

Q: How did you accept the fact that you have anxiety?

This is a letter to my favorite author, Melissa Broder.

Melissa,

Hi. My name is Taylor Gallagher and I’ve been a fan of your twitter feed for years, until I realized the person behind it was an author, too! I was so excited to buy all of your books before I even knew if I liked them. The day I bought “So Sad Today” I couldn’t put it down. It felt like reading my journal. I’ve never been so wrapped up in text before. I never related to anyone’s experiences the way I related to the way yours. I know that everyone suffers anxiety and depression is different ways, but the way you described yours was like you were taking all the words my brain couldn’t form and did it yourself. Your essays made me feel like I wasn’t alone. You’ve helped me accept my anxiety and accept myself for having anxiety. Because of you and your writing, I’ve taken the necessary steps in getting myself better and improving my mental health state because I’ve seen it’s worked for you. With every podcast, essay, poem, and tweet you help me feel more safe and comfortable in the world. A few months ago, I went to your book signing for “The Pisces” in Chicago. I was surrounded by fans of yours who felt the same way I did, and it was the best environment I’ve ever been in. You have such a strong voice and I know life can feel unbearable and hard sometimes, but you’re so strong and I admire that so much. Through your writing, you’ve helped me accept who I am and I can’t thank you enough for that. Your writing gets me by, so please don’t stop.

Love,

If you struggle with anxiety and would like to get out of the house (I know, a magic thought) maybe you’d be interested in some of these upcoming events/things to do that apparently relieve anxieties! Of course, you won’t be completely cured when you go, but you can surround yourself with similar people and hopefully meet new friends and find new things to do!

The Music Institute of Chicago holds semester long classes that helps relieve anxiety through drama classes, music classes, and other creative arts therapies. https://www.musicinst.org/anxiety-and-creative-arts-therapies

Support Groups Chicago holds many support groups for those struggling with anxiety or depression. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/groups/anxiety/il/chicago

While there aren’t a ton of events you can attend that are anxiety centered, I find a lot of things can help relieve me of my anxiety (see previous blog post).

I’ll be honest. I don’t know if I’m managing this blog the best I could be. I’m not sure if anyone is reading what I post, or if I’m interesting enough. I’m kind of just hoping I’m helping someone, even from afar. After this week’s class reading on determining whether or not someone can be an “expert” on a blog topic, I’ve started to realize that no one knows everything. You can be knowledgeable about a topic but there’s always more you can learn, and I’m here to learn. I’m trying to help other people learn about anxiety in a different way. I’m trying to lighten the mood a little bit when it comes to mental illness. It’s taken with a lot more sensitivity than I think it should. We all have our things, mine happen to be anxiety and depression. It took years for me to admit it out loud let alone write an entire blog about it. I hope this blog inspires others to beat themselves up over their anxiety anymore. It’s nothing we can help, because if we could, we would all be okay by now. I just want people to know that they’re not alone. I want people to know that yes, anxiety is very annoying to live with, but we live with it and there’s no changing it.

Even if you’re not clinically anxious, we’ve all experienced feelings of anxiety before, whether it be fearing you’re not going to make a deadline, social anxiety when being around certain people, or just feeling really lonely. I know how hard it is to calm yourself down during the scary times, so here’s a list of things I do when I’m feeling incredibly anxious or in an anxiety attack. *Anxiety is different for everyone, what works for me may not work for you. I’m not saying “Literally, do all of these things and you will never be anxious ever again.” This is just me  

1. Cry If I’m feeling anxious, the first thing I do, every single time, without fail, is cry. I love crying. It’s just like a good 30-minute break in between feeling anxious and completing whatever task is making you feel anxious at the time. You can just focus on crying and you can be dramatic as you possibly can. It works every time.

2. Workout If I’m feeling anxious and a little more ambitious I’ll go to the gym. Working out apparently sends endorphins throughout your body or something. You’re supposed to be happier when you leave the gym, so they say. I mean, you don’t leave the gym feeling completely free of anxiety but you at least feel good that you left the house and didn’t spend all day doing absolutely nothing, even if going to the gym was the only thing you did anyway.

3. Have the talk with myself If I feel an anxiety attack coming on, or woke up on a bad day, I try to convince myself that it’s just my anxiety. I try to reassure myself that nothing is as bad as my brain is trying to make me think it is. Honestly, this rarely works because my anxiety wins a lot of the time, but it’s good to remind yourself that it will eventually pass, even if it’s hard to believe the feeling will pass when you feel like you’re literally dying.

4. Listen to Music Putting on music is not the first thing I think to do during an attack, but I always wish I did. Putting together a playlist of whatever music helps you feel good and calm is key. Spotify has a meditation playlist that I’ve truly abused. Also, Boss A$$ Bitch – Nicki Minaj should be listened to once a day in the morning to reduce the likelihood an anxiety or panic attack. This is a fact.

5. Read @sosadtoday twitter Spending all day on Twitter is my favorite past time anyway, so once I started following accounts that are related to anxiety, my social life was over. It’s so reassuring to know that you’re not the only person who feels so confused by their own mind and that your crazy thoughts aren’t any less crazy than the next person’s.

6. Overreact Ahh, my favorite. When I’m in an attack, the only thing it seems that I manage to do every single time is overreact. The screaming cries, headaches and stress I’ve inflicted on myself for absolutely no reason, yesssss. Usually, it’s not that serious and you have to know this during an attack because otherwise you will freak yourself out more than you need to. But it’s really fun to overreact because you can just blame everything on everyone else for a few minutes.

7. Write everything down BUY A JOURNAL. Seriously, if you are an anxious individual, buy a journal. It’s so important to understand your feelings and why you feel anxious. If you start to consistently write down your triggers and more details about your attacks and feelings, you’ll start to see patterns and this could help you better understand yourself and your attacks.

I decided to do this assignment a bit off script. As I was thinking of who to interview, many people came to mind including the what feels like thousands of people I know that self- diagnosed themselves with anxiety, people who know me that experience firsthand the repercussions of my anxiety, one of my favorite authors who writes about her own anxiety, and even my therapist. Then I realized, well what if they don’t have time? What if they don’t want to talk to me? What if I’m bothering them by asking them to take time out of their day to answer a few questions? Anxiety be like.Each person’s anxiety is different, and since my blog is related to my own, I decided to interview myself. This will be just a glimpse of what it’s like to live inside my brain, and the conversations I have to have with myself most days to get myself ready to start the day, enjoy!

Q: How do you feel this morning? Why are you not out of bed yet? It’s 1 in the afternoon.

A: I thought I felt okay, then I thought about everything I need to do then started crying.

Q: Well, shouldn’t you, you know, get up and do them? You’ll feel better if you get everything done.

A: I’d rather stay in bed and just drive myself crazy thinking of all of the things I need to do, actually. Thanks though.

Q: Why does thinking about all the things you need to do stress you out so much?

A: Because I feel like my life is on a constant deadline and every time I think I’m finished my to do list, people keep adding more and more to it.

Q: You blame other people for things YOU need to do a lot, don’t you? That’s not really fair.

A: Yeah well, I’m perfect and the world is against me, so it must be their fault.

Q: How do you usually get over being anxious and stressed? Do you talk to friends?

A: Um, my friends hate me and only want me in their lives because I’m benefitting them in some way.

Q: Isn’t that what friendship is? You’re supposed to be there for each other in good and bad times. It’s not a bad thing that your friends like you because they benefit from having you in their lives, that’s actually a compliment.

A: Yeah but they still hate me.

Q: Do you think they hate you even if they tell you they don’t? Even if you hang out with them almost daily?

A: Yes.

Q: Why?

A: Because they don’t actually know me. They only know the mask I wear in front of them because I try to hide how I’m actually feeling. They like the fake version of me. If they knew the real me who I have to deal with every day, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. I wouldn’t, if I was them. Who would want to be friends with someone who constantly needs to know that they actually are my friends? That seems like a lot of work. It’s easier to just be by myself.

Q: Yeah, actually you’re right. Maybe you should just stay in bed then.

On June 5th, 2018 designer Kate Spade hung herself in her Park Avenue apartment. Spade was 55 years old, leaving behind her fashion empire, husband, and thirteen-year old daughter.

A housekeeper discovered her body in her bedroom. She had left a note to her husband and daughter. Andy Spade, Kate’s husband, said in a statement the day following his wife’s suicide that Kate had suffered from depression and anxiety for many years, but had been seeing a doctor regularly and was taking medication to treat her disease. The suicide came as a shock to her family, friends, and the public.

Andy Spade says the night before her death she “sounded happy” and Kate’s father said “The last time I talked with her, the night before last, she was happy planning a trip to California to look at colleges.” Kate’s father said he knew she was having troubles and that she’d been taking pills that he advised her not to take.

…

Depression and anxiety have no face. No one is immune from diseases of the brain, such as anxiety and depression. In this case, you can be getting treatment, and trying your best to bring yourself up from the lows, but sometimes the disease still wins. Kate Spade, Robin Williams, and today, Anthony Bourdain, are all just a few notable people that have recently lost their battle to depression. This shows you that depression doesn’t only belong to those who aren’t successful, or lonely, or loved. On the outside, you can be so seemingly happy, married with a family, but your brain convinces you otherwise. Depression is not laziness. Many people confuse the two. Kate Spade has a fashion empire and is one of the most well-known names in fashion history, as was Alexander McQueen. No one is safe from the disease, regardless of if you’re successful or not.

It’s so, so important to be in tune with your mental health. If you’re feeling off and unlike yourself, it’s okay to talk to someone or get professional help. We need to kill the stigma around psychology and psychotherapy. It’s okay to seek help when you need it. It’s hard to admit there might be something wrong, but honestly, we all get sad sometimes. We all get sick sometimes. We need to care for our brains the way we care for a common cold or flu.

I remember sitting on my front steps with my mom when I was about 11 years old when she explained to me that next week I’m going to go talk to a specialist. Me? Talk to someone? About…what? My life? My feelings? No thank you. I had the idea that therapy meant you were crazy and I didn’t want to be crazy. The first session was hard because I felt like I was forced into it. I didn’t see anything wrong with me and I was nervous that once I started talking, then she would find something wrong with me. So, if you don’t talk, no one can see what’s wrong.

           So, naturally, the first few minutes of my first session was me sitting with my arms folded resenting my mother for bringing me here, until my psychologist did one of those brain tricks and somehow got me into pouring my heart out all at once. I still don’t know how she did it or how I got so comfortable talking about my feelings. I still didn’t even know why I was there. My parents never showed concern about me,tome so I thought I was fine. I thought everyone worried as much as me, so I didn’t think that could be why. Maybe it was because if my schedule was thrown off, or if someone didn’t come directly home after work I would jump to conclusions that they were in a terrible car accident or died. Even if it was only 10 minutes late. That was probably why they sent me to therapy.

           I continued going to therapy for about a year and a half until my therapist moved locations. I still have anxiety over if she actually moved locations or just hated me and didn’t want me as a patient anymore but didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Therapy as a child was really helpful in letting me find how to express myself. Before I went, I was a very shy and to myself person. I had friends, but none of them actually knew anything about me. I didn’t share my childhood trauma with anyone because I thought I deserved it, sadly. I thought I deserved to be alone in my trauma and sadness. I always think about if I never went to therapy as a child, what I would be like now. Probably more fucked up than I already am, so shout out to my mom for being concerned that I thought she died on the way home from work every day.

           I went my entire high school years without therapy, and at the time I thought I was okay. I thought the reasons that I had to go when I was younger were behind me and I would be able to live a happy, fulfilling life. Happy ever after, the end. Long story short I was so incredibly wrong and high school was nothing more than a dark hole of depression that seemed never ending. I was cutting my skin, taking pain killers before bed in hopes that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning, and doing nothing at all to try to love myself. It was such a dark time that I pray to never go back to. Looking back, these were actually my lowest moments. I felt so alone, like I was the only person to ever feel these feelings and have these experiences. I had friends but I didn’t want to bother them with my issues because I felt like they were so small and I was overreacting.

           When I got to college, I occupied my time in new ways. I started using drugs, I started listening to new music, I made new friends, and most importantly I started writing more. I blame my handful of almost relationships for the start of my writing again. I had anxiety over telling my friends about when I was wronged in relationships because I didn’t want to seem imperfect. So, instead I just kept my thoughts in my notebooks. The first few years of doing this worked really well. I was seeing improvements in my writing skills as well as my coping skills. I was started to understand myself a little more. I felt like I found my own form of therapy, and the best part was I didn’t need to pay a $15 copay each week. This worked until it didn’t anymore, and when I started waking up with no interest in leaving my bed, or unable to cross the street because the fear of a bus crushing me takes over my body, I decided that going back to therapy was the only viable option.

           Voluntarily putting myself back in therapy was the best decision I’ve ever made for myself. For the past few weeks I’ve been accepting that anxiety is something that I will have to live with forever. There is a no cure, and I will never “get better”. I will just have a better understanding of my triggers and how to handle myself in an attack. Although it’s really fucking hard accepting that I’m going to have to deal with this forever, I try to use it to my advantage. Sure, I have this mental illness that stands in the way of a lot of possibilities and opportunities for me, but I can also make my own opportunities because of it.