glowing & growing

a little consideration, a little thought of others, makes a world of a difference

this is really hard to talk about. but I just really need to get it off my chest. as of lately, I feel like I haven’t really been the same. i’m not gonna blame you because it’s not your fault, and i’m really trying not to be the person I was before. but lately, it’s just been really hard to see us together. I think of all these scenarios in my head, but I don’t see you anymore. i’m just not sure if we’re the right fit for each other anymore. I still pray that we are.

amazed by how You continue to reach me even in the tiniest window that my heart allows 

I’ve reached another low point. Tbh, I don’t really know how to get out. I thought that telling dylan would help but I think that made it worse. Is it wrong to have expected him to react a different way. Is it wrong that I wanted him to come with a little more compassion. I think all I wanted was him to hold me and remind me that everything I’m feeling is a lie. But I think I just made him upset. Upset that whatever I am feeling is so foolish.

I feel like Dylan has anger management issues. Either that or I really am just a terrible person who can’t see it. Why does Dylan always have to be angry with me. Why am I always making him upset. He’s always slamming doors and sounds so stressed. And no matter what i’m feeling, I always have to address whatever he’s feeling first. Even when I try to put me first, and protect my feelings, he still gets upset. Do I really deserve to be in a relationship like this? He doesn’t even know what i’m going through. But that’s my fault because I don’t think he would react well. He wouldn’t be able to help me. I have dealt with so much that it has come to point that I’m so convinced i’m the one that’s messing everything up. My patience has just gotten so low because I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I don’t want to be with someone who gets so angry. I don’t want to be with someone that gets so stressed over me. I don’t want to be with someone that has to lie around me. I don’t want to be with someone that I always have to tiptoe around feelings for. I don’t want to be with someone that keeps me away from pleasing God. I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t ever want to tell me how I make them feel. I don’t want to be someone that makes it hard to be open about my feelings. I don’t want to be with someone that gets physical around walls when they’re upset. I don’t want to be with someone that has the slightest bit of patience for the world.

There’s a lot that people don’t know about me. I know I give off this personality that everything in my life is great. When i’m out & about, sometimes it really does feel that way. But just like everyone else, I have my own battles. It scares me sometimes how capable I feel like I am of just making all this go away.

It’s been rough. Trying to fight through the lies that i’m not good enough. That people won’t be bothered if I was ever gone. That the reason why I can’t keep friendships is because i’m not worth keeping around. It’s been so rough. I try to take a step and remember that I was created so beautiful in so many ways from the One who loves me most. But then i’m reminded that i’m too sensitive. I make Dylan upset. I make Dylan angry at himself for hurting my feelings. I give Dylan stress. I’m the reason why Dylan has to smoke. I don’t want this in my head anymore.