i put any nd ramblings and fandom shlop i dont want on my other account(s) here
->]] carrd ; twt
NOTE: I CAN NOT FOLLOW YOU BACK ON MAIN HERE IF YOU'RE UNDER 20!!!!! this is a sideblog and the main is a 20+ acc >_<;; you can ask for my all ages main if we've talked a few times
also as of the time i made the account i developed functional movement issues (neck twitches/arm freeze ups) that tend to get worse with mood swings like mania/psychosis so i might periodically just type REALLY fucking bad because i dont have the mental capacity to type slow enough its coherent, i can still try to Be Normal when talking about fandom stuff/important stuff but i wont be putting too much effort into personal rambling/blatant delusion posting
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TAGS:
#choppediiver.plate ; personal txt posts
#iiversalad.plate ; art/doodles/etc
#hyprgb.plate ; nd/chronic illness/etc posting
#lowdkdk.plate ; some combination of the above (usually art + nd posting) thats Particularly Eccentric that i dont wanna blast in there
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-childhood reveal (kinda necessary i really doubt ymnk wouldnt put them in atp:???)
-lots of imagery of mikoto "hiding" from his stress and come back to them resolved
-emotional/mental neglect from his mother/mother starts getting notably colder towards him as he feels pressured to work more to support her and his sister but reminding his mother of why she divorced (im still calling it i think the phone call had less to do with it being a tell that he was tired and more that even his mother made him feel like he had no one but himself to rely on because he would have to support her)
-probably multikoto imagery that ends with him in the same hide and seek place looking around desperately for someone but finding no one, either he stumbles into a corpse during this or he runs off to "hide" from the dead body but no longer can find anyone and ends up breaking down
-if we dont get the repeated "nande"'s its not a mikoto song
-honestly im betting on a scene where mikoto first goes to hide from stress and gets hugged/comforted by one of the manykotos if not john
every day it gets so tempting for me to post about how i think each of the prisoners parents failed them (with varying scenarios) but im like mm. maybe i shouldnt . because im kinda acutely aware i do laser vision on my faves too much (mikoto yuno and mahiru) that i might say smth out of line/not true and get killed for it immediately
legit the only person i could not feasibly think of bc his crime was "wrong place wrong time sanity slippage" more than anything
im. not retyping out what i just found out because it confirmed a fear i had regarding the writing except it turned out to be worst case scenario for me so now this and just tapping out mentally is genuinely the only thing keeping me from breaking apart right here right now
t3 is a mass causality event because the victims just continuously keep becoming causalities.
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ignoring t3 and projecting my mother issues onto him . okay?
orange john, green kodomo, pink misato, i only have my ramble post about who green/pink are because i did not draw them out yet its Okay this is just a quick doodle comic i wanted out of my system maybe one day ill flesh properly line this LOL
you know what i deserve to blast this out there after everything because seeing the upteenth person accidentally invalidate my trauma i might as well have a little fun
john's image color is more orange to me than red and i do not think i can see john as anything but orange. exiting stage left
not pictured is also the socks in his double outfit being Neon Orange for some ungodly reason and even in argument about it just being a contrast decision i think i could argue that about MeMe too
only argument i will accept is if talking about how a pale red can look orange when remembering mikoto's image color is a pale blue because the moment you get into "is pale red pink or still red" discourse im tapping out that is Way Too Subjective for me but i will always see john as orange
you know what i deserve to blast this out there after everything because seeing the upteenth person accidentally invalidate my trauma i might as well have a little fun
john's image color is more orange to me than red and i do not think i can see john as anything but orange. exiting stage left
anyway i went to bed last night genuinely believing maybe mikoto could be trying to reassure me from somewhere bc of the smirnoff stuff and then i woke up and went well im a little more normal now
and then i did that pantone "horoscope colors" thing and my entire palette was mikosys just all around and you can imagine this set that back so comically bad i genuinely can only really laugh because what are we doing .
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waking up and seeing 24 notes when this is the first time i have directly engaged in larger fandom tags in literal years was the scariest moment of my life im crying :sob:
anyway i do wanna say i think systems have the right to get snippy at singlets going "he was ALWAYS gonna end up like this", some of y'all do have genuinely good intentions but the intention is lost when its used to talk down on the very people you're trying to validate/sympathize with
i was very VERY vocal about believing mikoto's writing was never going to be as good as everyone wanted it to be and it felt really uncomfortable seeing people get accused of being singlets for being critical about it by some more particularly extreme randos, but even i didn't think it would be this bad 😭 just please have sympathy
also yes you can still have a "normal" appearing home and school life and develop DID. i constantly underplay what i went through because i was not being beat or anything like that + was in a talented kids class so i should be grateful for my childhood but if it was not evident by the several disorders i have It Absolutely Was Not The Case.
this isn't even talking about how things like ADHD and autism can cause already pretty upsetting/distressing things to genuinely behave as trauma, being neglected/forgotten about in favor of another child during a stressful transitionary period (divorce of parents) for a long enough time CAN absolutely feel traumatic/upsetting to 1. a child, 2. a child with RSD/bad emotional regulation caused by neurodivergencies.
again, be upset that the lack of childhood mention is literally pointing that ymnk might 100% be trying to pull a "mikoto developed it as an adult" thing, but you also need to be careful you don't accidentally say something that invalidates trauma/abuse/neglect someone else might've faced
i think im gonan wake up tomorrow and high chance either im wildly depressed or in a psychotic episode because i genuinely tweaked out a little bit convinced that me getting smirnoff as a replacement for smth that was out of stock was a sign mikotos trying to look out for me/make sure im doing okay from somewhere in the world (a little bit being an understatement) and part of me still believes that but Hey we ball as long as i can draw/type LOL
not very proud of the fact i broke down sobbing listening to requiem 3-4 hours before mv drop mid karaoke w ppl because singing the "hide and seek without you" part genuinely broke part of my heart realizing how fucking bleak it was (john was NOT present anywhere, all the leaks were pointing to some REAAAL insane shit and the actual kill count ended up 4 higher than the initial guess from the previews, and everything cumulatively was NOOOOOT looking good for mikoto whos literally the one guy keeping me going rn) and amidst the distress of what was going on all i could focus on was how we both drink smirnoff ice malts before it all started settling in and i think it forced a switch because i am most definitely Not The Me I Was When I Woke Up but i genuinely cant tell because im supposed to be the same guy based off behavior/feeling but i also dont feel that way so Okay!
requiems last part is like a special blend of the two songs that make me the most mentally ill (AKAA + life) with the ending bit breaking my psyche almost instantly so to say its been doing damage to me is an understatement . but then you look at everything else brought in by it and its just so okay .
not very proud of the fact i broke down sobbing listening to requiem 3-4 hours before mv drop mid karaoke w ppl because singing the "hide and seek without you" part genuinely broke part of my heart realizing how fucking bleak it was (john was NOT present anywhere, all the leaks were pointing to some REAAAL insane shit and the actual kill count ended up 4 higher than the initial guess from the previews, and everything cumulatively was NOOOOOT looking good for mikoto whos literally the one guy keeping me going rn) and amidst the distress of what was going on all i could focus on was how we both drink smirnoff ice malts before it all started settling in and i think it forced a switch because i am most definitely Not The Me I Was When I Woke Up but i genuinely cant tell because im supposed to be the same guy based off behavior/feeling but i also dont feel that way so Okay!
i have apparently found out (and i did suspect smth like this could cause issues) region locking applies to psychology studies/research and so there is a genuine nonzero chance yamanaka was flat out told DID can very "rarely" develop in adulthood and not just childhood and he went with that due to a misunderstanding in DID /showing/ in adulthood.
tbh unless he himself says it because he certainly had A Lot to say during yunos interros (cough) im just opting to believe hes doing some absolute fuckery in the kitchen bc even if thats true i still feel like. you know its 2026 Now and he has access to papers that are NAEU focused regarding DID studies so he can ensure shit like this didnt happen but i digress .
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my final thoughts on the matter if anyones looking at my blog cuz im not putting this in the tag:
if yamanaka genuinely just does not even SELECT any questions about his childhood/past and actually has merit to it, either he genuinely believes locking in on the work related stuff is the best angle for whatever reason he may have (which at this point is just. really, REALLY bad.), or he genuinely did not intend on writing mikotos character to have symptoms of trauma/abuse in any capacity and is confused why so many people keep pushing for it.
i didnt even think abt it until i saw someone point it out but. wow he really did decide the system of all characters and not the character whos entire thing is hunting down canonically shitty people/criminals who get away with it have the highest kill count was good. im sorry but ignorant psychologists genuinely do not get my good grace. whether or not he shouldve known better means nothing to me at what point do you not think "this alter whos clearly taking his stress out on randoms and conveniently manages to kill over 10 people brutally over 2 days" is a Little Fucking Absurd.
not even stopping at just john alters i think any system who has any form of mikosys in them whether thats their own take on random mikoto alters, 4 mikoto (like Just Mikoto) subvarients, whatever, should be allowed to hit people with laser beams
i will be very blunt if youre forgiving mikoto but voting amane not forgiven i do not want you interacting with this blog i already believed this prior but with everything revealed there is no kind way for me to say if you tell me you think amane deserves to be forgiven less than mikoto i just will not respect your opinions anymore in any capacity
okay im a liar heres another for the tag bc i saw some stuff on twt and while i see where it comes from i also dont rly agree with them
mikotos report =/= "he grew up without trauma". tldr above but ill put more details on my own opinions under the cut, the main focal point is many people have also pointed out reports are often inconsistent/seem to either over exaggerate certain things or just pull shit out of their ass. whether this is an intentional thing on milgrams writing team (i.e. jackalope attempting to sway votes/clearly being biased against them as he was in the intro.) or REALLY bad consistency writing is up in the air but its been said
"his home life was normal" everyone and their dogs are posting the "i grew up without a dad because he chose work over family apparently" screenshot
2. "he excelled/was talented in school" so was i! i have DID with like four subsystems because the abuse did not magically stop just because i was getting good grades. i like. genuinely do not understand why this is a point people are trying to argue about. the first one yeah but when people are frequently abused into performing good "or else" it feels weird seeing a handful of ppl view this as the definitive "he wasnt traumatized" thing ??
3. 'he had a lot of friends" are we talking elementary school friends or college friends because it literally does not matter how many friends he had as an adult if he still had no support system as a child. even IF he had a lot of friends as a child it doesnt change much because a 7 yr old is not going to magically save their friend from abusive houses as much as they'd want to. nuance under cut i havve a LOOOT to say about this
i also wanna point out with the above point of him saying his life was constantly having to manage peoples moods/only finding out he was getting pranked after it was spoiled/etc and his VD having "my body was already broken before" in response to es questioning about his company definitely is a red flag.
cut for size/yapping
regarding him getting along w ppl, i know it was just a stray/very VERY misguided given her narrow vision, but i also think mahiru saying he seemed shallow had merit. i dont think its that mikoto doesnt care about the people hes trying to get along with, rather "even though hes nice, his attempts to appease people largely stem from self preservation/avoiding scary bad moods rather then steming from wanting to genuinely get closer to them." this doesnt mean i think mikoto is manipulating ppl or anything it is quite literally "well yeah i want to be nice and people deserve to be happy but also im scared if i leave them in a bad mood they'll take it out on me or someone nearby so its better if i help manage it." i think its fair to say someone whos knee jerk reaction to someone in a bad mood is to either avoid or "fix it' as fast as possible to avoid being hurt can probably be labeled a trauma response
also with point 3, going onto what i meant by the reports wordage being weird, "friends" here is bugging me because. do you mean FRIENDS friends, like people who would actively ask mikoto to hang out with them, or "friends" as in people who mikoto got along with, but would only hang out with him if he happened to be there/friends out of convenience (i.e. "well i got no one else to talk to Hey hows it going guy"). there is a massive difference here. mikoto still trying to be on good terms w kotoko even in t3 has merit in proving the use of the word friends here might be Very Very Deceptive
being autistic in highschool while struggling with mental illness is my personal hands on experience with understanding the use of 'friends' esp in regards to school is very, very fickle.
theres more evidence of mikoto having early trauma from his fawning behavior than evidence debunking it and i REAAALLY dont like people using all the above stuff as "evidence" when you can seemingly grow up totally normal and fine just as i did only for you to find out that kid was actually being put in the torture nexus every thursday/friday when their parents were in a bad mood and it severely damaged them as a person.
i reiterate i do not like the lack of mikoto childhood in t3. i think its fine to hate that we dont even get like, tidbits about how growing up without a dad mightve affected him or whether there was an actual reason that wasnt work that pushed that (or how if its true then how would mikoto have handled having to tell his mom he wouldnt be coming home because of clocking into work for the 100th day in a row consecutively. thats what im most pissed off about)
but i also equally do not like some of y'all taking the report not only 100% literal/at face value, but indirectly saying some of the things mikoto was supposedly blessed with means he couldnt have been traumatized because i need yall to understand how that would feel to someone like me who is very much unpacking that Wow i was actually HEAVILY abused and i just brushed it off as minor neglect until literally last month. same way i feel like a lot of ppl ignore signs of neglect in yunos family based off how her family canonically avoided talking about what had happened + yunos aptitude for 'reading the room' and very clear mental health issues regarding depression/impulsive behavior/etc while a big part of her character is wanting someone to scold her for being bad on top of that, i really truly think its not a stretch to say stuff like that is an indication smth isnt going right and thats yunos form of trying to beg someone to notice what shes going through/could be a sign of abuse
i dont. really have high hopes the interros are gonna reveal Anything to be honest the report not even mentioning his mom or sister and overfocusing on work genuinely just drove any hope i had away but at the very least i want people to Consider some of these things before saying things willy nilly. i am just one person and while some others who have gone through similar to me might not be that offended/hurt by ppl implying we're too "lucky" to have been abused, i think theres also others who would use that to further downplay their trauma and i think its fair to at the Very Least ask for consideration for those people
it can also stand to say i think mikoto resonating with so many survivors of trauma of some kind with his specific trauma responses definitely infers the writing had lended to that and the main reason so many people are disappointed is because all that was built up (and STILL was being built up if you look at the T3 lyrics/VD things i bring up) dont really seem like theyre gonna go anywhere. like at all.
so No i dont think his report means he doesnt have trauma. if we wanna get really copey with it maybe his report being so work focused is a direct result of his memory issues being so bad he genuinely can only think of work and thats why its like that (shidous massive guilt complex leading him to genuinely believe he killed dozens of people when he literally just told ppl "hey this patient is in brain death theyre fundamentally never coming back" and only killed the one guy as the biggest stretch example) but ultimately i think it really is just between intentional misdirection by the writers (the person writing the reports is biased/wants to push bias) or just genuinely really bad writing
